Ever have to do something you don't want to?

[lihpster]

As I have stated before, my father has dementia. I am his sole caregiver. Well, he has reached the stage where he needs 24/7 care and monitoring. Last night I found him laying on the concrete patio. He had fallen. Since his pants were down around his knees, I assume he was urinating in the yard and lost his balance. So, EMTs, ambulance, hospital. Luckily only a couple of abrasions and a sprained wrist. I can't do it alone anymore. I'm afraid to go to the store and leave him alone or even go to sleep. My health and mental state are suffering nearly as much, or more, than his. I said I'd never do this, but I have to put him in a home. We cannot afford 24/7 home health care. So the one thing I said I'd never do is the one thing I have to do. I'm not sure which will kill me faster, but I know which will kill him faster. I haven't eaten in days except for some chips. The stress is causing my hair and teeth to fall out of my head. I can't go on like this and neither can he. That said, I feel like the most worthless piece of **** right now.

 

[arjay]

That's a tough spot youre in,but placing him in a facility is the rational thing to do.With my dad,when it reached that point,he passed away. I've been my moms caretaker for 3 yrs now and it's exhausting,but you can't help them once your health fails too.Hang in there!

 

[Bronco89]

It is likely that his quality of life / happiness may improve quite a bit. Especially if you are coming by to see him frequently.

 

[ameridaddy]

I'm almost there, but not quite just yet. Try a book called "The 36 Hour Day." It may help give you some perspective on what you must do as a caretaker.
Don't be too hard on yourself, because the person you knew and loved is pretty much gone away. God be with you on this terribly difficult journey.

 

[Muss Muggins]

He needs to be in a senior assisted living housing situation . . .

As I have stated before, my father has dementia. I am his sole caregiver. Well, he has reached the stage where he needs 24/7 care and monitoring. Last night I found him laying on the concrete patio. He had fallen. Since his pants were down around his knees, I assume he was urinating in the yard and lost his balance. So, EMTs, ambulance, hospital. Luckily only a couple of abrasions and a sprained wrist. I can't do it alone anymore. I'm afraid to go to the store and leave him alone or even go to sleep. My health and mental state are suffering nearly as much, or more, than his. I said I'd never do this, but I have to put him in a home. We cannot afford 24/7 home health care. So the one thing I said I'd never do is the one thing I have to do. I'm not sure which will kill me faster, but I know which will kill him faster. I haven't eaten in days except for some chips. The stress is causing my hair and teeth to fall out of my head. I can't go on like this and neither can he. That said, I feel like the most worthless piece of **** right now.

 

[eb07]

As I have stated before, my father has dementia. I am his sole caregiver. Well, he has reached the stage where he needs 24/7 care and monitoring. Last night I found him laying on the concrete patio. He had fallen. Since his pants were down around his knees, I assume he was urinating in the yard and lost his balance. So, EMTs, ambulance, hospital. Luckily only a couple of abrasions and a sprained wrist. I can't do it alone anymore. I'm afraid to go to the store and leave him alone or even go to sleep. My health and mental state are suffering nearly as much, or more, than his. I said I'd never do this, but I have to put him in a home. We cannot afford 24/7 home health care. So the one thing I said I'd never do is the one thing I have to do. I'm not sure which will kill me faster, but I know which will kill him faster. I haven't eaten in days except for some chips. The stress is causing my hair and teeth to fall out of my head. I can't go on like this and neither can he. That said, I feel like the most worthless piece of **** right now.

I went through this with my Dad. We tried the 24-7 home health care until he started beating on the nurse when I went to work. With no backup, it became a chore. This is not an easy decision but one that has to be made for his safety. When I say I feel for you, I FEEL FOR YOU. God bless you and may the suffering end peacefully for everyones sake.

Damn that disease all to hell.

 

[jscheck]

Don't delay

Bro please please listen to me on this-the BEST thing you can do is get your dad in a home that can take care of him full time. It's best for BOTH of you. I can't tell you the number of times I've been called out to search for someone's missing loved one who had dementia/alzheimers/etc. Most of the time we found them (sometimes miles away), but on occasion we found the person deceased. On one occasion I had to insist a son take Dad's car keys away after he had a wreck and drove away with his granddaughter in the vehicle. He had no idea he'd been in an accident. On top of the danger to him is the danger to the public and your own health. No one wants to go to a home and no one wants to send their loved one to a home but sometimes we have to. Praying for you both!

 

[Greyman50]

Mother had alzheimer's for 14 years. She became violent and combative, her Md said she can not live with anyone, has to be in a secure facility. Carefully choose the home by talking to others that have been or are in the same situation. Go easy on yourself as you are doing whats best for your Dad and yourself. My Mothers shrink called me in and had a long talk about doing the right thing, guess I was fortunate. Regardless, our parents raised
us and put up with much so just look at it and remember your youth. There was nothing different I would have done.

 

[Onomea]

I think it likely that your father, pre dementia, when he had his mind, would not have wanted his son to care for him when he was that far gone.

I think this for two reasons. The first is a normal father's love for his son would make him recoil at the thought of imposing such a horrific burden — haven't eaten in days and the stress is causing teeth and hair to fall out — on his child.

The second is, in his prime, I am sure your father had his self respect, carried himself as best he could, and he is now, due to his dementia, reduced to the humiliating inability to care for himself. His former self would hate for his son to see him 24/7 in that condition.

So I think your father, his true self, would welcome you helping him enter an assisted living facility.

A father's duty to a son is to give him the tools of character to be happy and succeed in his own life. A son's duty to his father is to try to be as happy and as successful in his own life as possible.

You are your father's achievement, so live your independent life as he would want you to. You owe him that.

As a son, and as a father of sons, I believe this.

 

[grover99]

I spend 4 years being a care giver to an older person. no dementia involved but the problems a 90 year old would have trying to do very day things like cooking, keeps track of meds and getting to places. A series of mild strokes kept making things harder. The Dr said it was time to go into senior care and she was much happier because she had people to interact with. When your contemporaries are all gone and family is scattered all over seniors get lonely. Plus professionals have the training and equipment to deal with the every day care needed. The family made sure that someone came by at least three times a week. I saw too many old people abandoned with no one.

 

[hittman77]

I went through this with my mother in 2006 - 2008.

Everybody handles these things differently so, the only thing wrong answer is to ignore his needs …. Or yours.

Two harsh realities are:

1. You deserve better. If he were in his right mind I believe he would be MORTIFIED that his condition is causing you so many problems.

2. He deserves the care of a healthcare professional.

God bless you and yours.

 

[Rustyt1953]

Ruthie's mom and dad suffered from dementia and it was heart crushing for family and friends to watch their downward spiral.

As most here know, Ruthie has worked for 21 years in nursing homes that cater to Alzheimer's/Dementia. They provide the 24/7 long-term care and attention that families who have reached the point that you have can not.

She sees the anguish in people who agonize at having to admit a parent and feel guilt and failure at doing so. After a while, when the families see for themselves the round the clock care their loved ones are getting, the feeling of abandonment starts to ebb.

Biased, though I may be, I hold Hospice and Nursing Home nurses in the utmost regard.

I will pray for a measure of peace and acceptance for both you and your dad during this painful transition.

 

[lihpster]

Thank you for the replies. it helps to know others think I am doing the right thing. Even if it doesn't FEEL that way.

 

[lihpster]

Ruthie's mom and dad suffered from dementia and it was heart crushing for family and friends to watch their downward spiral.

As most here know, Ruthie has worked for 21 years in nursing homes that cater to Alzheimer's/Dementia. They provide the 24/7 long-term care and attention that families who have reached the point that you have can not.

She sees the anguish in people who agonize at having to admit a parent and feel guilt and failure at doing so. After a while, when the families see for themselves the round the clock care their loved ones are getting, the feeling of abandonment starts to ebb.

Biased, though I may be, I hold Hospice and Nursing Home nurses in the utmost regard.

I will pray for a measure of peace and acceptance for both you and your dad during this painful transition.

I too hold hospice and Nursing Home nurses in the utmost regard. Once again, please convey my respect for Ruthie and the others and what they do. As a personal favor, would you ask Ruthie if she wouldn't mind giving me some tips on what to watch for and what questions to ask when searching for a facility? I'm kinda lost at sea without a compass here and would dearly love some educated information. If it's not too much trouble. And thank you, Rusty, for being the good man you are.

 

[GypsmJim]

Been there, done that, but with my mother.

When Dad was on his deathbed some of his last words were "take care of your mother". At the time we didn't realize she was so bad because he basically hid it from us.

The next 2 years were horrible. Brother and Sister taking care of her as needed. When she finally fell and couldn't walk any more, and couldn't live at home, she had to go to a home. Her house and minimal savings were enough to get a home to accept her. When the money ran out Medicare kicked in.

Looking back when Mom was in charge of Grandma & Grandpa, she often lamented on "how could God let this happen". Their life savings were gone.

When it was Mom's time we knew what her wishes would have been if she were still cognizant.

 

[Rustyt1953]

lihipster, Ruthie is soon off to bed as she has to get up at 0430. She said that she will compile a list of things to watch for and questions to ask the prospective nursing homes in a day or two and we will get it to you.

She read your OP and cried as she has seen that played out many times.

 

[lihpster]

lihipster, Ruthie is soon off to bed as she has to get up at 0430. She said that she will compile a list of things to watch for and questions to ask the prospective nursing homes in a day or two and we will get it to you.

She read your OP and cried as she has seen that played out many times.

Please tell her to rest well and thank her for me. Profusely.

 

[Chukar60]

Mrs. chukar and I just went through this a short time ago.
Her dad, who is our only serving parent is 90 years old.
We promised to do everything in our power to keep him out of a retirement center. And we did.
OP you have to realize that comes a time when all of your love and good intentions will not properly provide for a loved one's needs.
A little over a year ago, the Mrs had got a call from the local police. Her dad was in the parking lot of a local mall. He was disoriented and confused. HE had hit a parked car. After looking at his vehicle we determined he had several "incidents" prior to this one. We had to revoke his driving privileges. He was mad as could be, but relented. Nobody can withstand the "the look" that the Mrs. brandishes when she is laying down the law.
Six months later she arrived at his home to take him to a Dr appointment.
Three rings of the bell and no answer. She used her key to enter and found him on the floor unable to get up. Broken shoulder, twisted knee and bruising.
He ended up in a rehab center and found out he liked it. Lots of interaction with people and plenty of activity.
Today his mind is Harper than I have seen it in almost a year and he is happy. He has friends and is not just sitting watching ME TV all day long.
In the end it was the best thing for him.
All we dread is not necessarily poison.

 

[Doug627]

I gave you a like because of your honesty in describing your situation. You are not alone. I got stuck with making the decision to place my father in an Alzheimer's facility. I lived over a hundred miles from my mother and father so I could not help on a daily basis. My mother could no longer handle him. While in the facility, he asperated his stomach contents after throwing up. He told me he did not want on a machine or have "heroic" measures to sustain him. It fell on me again to withhold care and place him in hospice. After he died I was okay because I knew he had release and went to a much better place. However, after a month or so, at night, these little voices would tell me I did not love my father and I did what I did because he was a burden. This was untrue but we are our own worse enemies and I struggled for months with this every night. It went away eventually. Remember, you are doing what is best for your father. You can't do it anymore. His illness has advanced beyond your ability to deal with it. God Bless.

 

[Golddollar]

My mother contracted ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) and probably had it between 1985 and 1991. While she was still alive and for years after her death, I attended a support group for ALS patients, their families, the survivors, medical providers and clergy. With ALS, there are no issues with dementia, but still there were issues of long term care for a person who increasingly becomes unable to care for themselves. One of the lessons I learned with the support group is the amount of stress that can be placed upon the caregivers, and that the caregiver can't take care of the patient if the health of the caregiver becomes compromised.

We were fortunate that the family had the wherewithal to hire a Certified Nurse's Assistant (CNA) who could take care of Mom on workdays so that my dad could still work until he decided to retire and preserve his good health. My mom passed on 30 years ago and my dad remarried and was alive and mostly well functioning for another 24 years. I credit the CNA for preserving my Dad's good health and life.

I am certainly not discounting how hard it is to make the decision to put your dad in a nursing facility. Hopefully Ruthie's advice will make it easier for you. When you've had a chance to take care of yourself again, hopefully you will be the son your dad can remember when you go to visit him.