Ever have to do something you don't want to?

[LVSteve]

I'm also in the BTDT club.

I had to put my first wife into a skilled nursing center for the last six months of her life (cancer). She had all her marbles but the care she needed, especially the pain meds, was beyond me. The look on her face as the ambulance crew took her out of the house is something I shall never forget.

Maybe home health could have worked for a while, but then there are the nights. The OP put it very well. When somebody else in the house is that sick, you never really relax, and your own health takes a beating.

It's the tenth anniversary of Connie's death this coming weekend.

 

[Ματθιας]

The thing is, in your mind, you know what has to be done, your heart says otherwise. It sucks.

 

[lihpster]

It's the tenth anniversary of Connie's death this coming weekend.

Steve, my condolences. I know how hard the anniversaries can be. I wish you peace, my friend.

 

[Cdog]

My Mother had Lewy Body Dementia. It's a horrible disease that attacks both mental faculties and physically with Parkinson's.

My wife and I looked after her as long as possible. The hallucinations and fear she had were real to her. She became a danger to herself and others. Even with the Parkinson's symptoms worsening she became so scared that she once ran away. I caught up with her before she had gotten very far. It was a struggle to get her home. She was afraid of me. That was a hard pill to swallow!

I had to accept that the disease had reached the point that we could no longer manage her care ourselves.

Reaching the point in life when we're forced to make decisions we don't want to make is something many of us have been through.

Please don't feel guilty about doing what's necessary.

A quality facility can see after your Dad's needs and safety. That's something that can become impossible to do yourself at anyone's home.

 

[lihpster]

Just wanted to say thank you to all who replied to this post. It helps to know you're not alone.

 

[steelslaver]

Sorry that you and your Dad have been dealt such a bad hand. I believe you finding a facility for him is the right thing to do.

Think about this. Knowing what you know, what would you want your son to do. Would you want your kid to go through what you have been going through for you? I doubt it. Don't feel to guilty about your sense of relief. You should feel that way.

I have taken care of 2 great women near the end of their days. My dear wife, I was with for almost 30 years passed from a brain tumor. She pretty much kept her head till she suddenly just went. But, before that the strain was considerable. Finding some one to watch her while I was at work, taking her to her appointments. Fighting the insurance company to get the meds she needed. etc etc. I regret her passing, I wish she would have had more time. I grief for sure. But I also FELT RELIEF when she did pass. Felt guilty for it, but I also know she would understand. It was over, for her and for me. Don't beat yourself up. Then 3 years later after I had taken up with another lady, she had a stroke. She made a fair amount of recovery, but between taking care of her and her diabetes with her problems with her stroke beat me up mentally. A year after the stroke she passed from a heart attack. I was sad and then relieved. I did the very best I could. It would not have done either of those great ladies any good if things would have got to the point that I broke down mentally. If if would have got bad enough the right thing to do would have been for them to go to a care facility. Jim

 

[Frank46]

My dad passed away when he was 78 from congestive heart failure. Got the call from my brother. Next 3 days were a blur making funeral arrangements and finding the deed for the cemetery plot. In the meantime soldiered on and was doing well. Then my brother and I noticed she was slowing down. I had moved to Louisiana so I told mom, come live with me. She would have her own bedroom, bathroom and kitchen and dining area. She didn't want to leave her friends in the neighborhood. One by one as her friends aged they passed away. Told her to come down, my younger brother would get a moving van to take her stuff so she would have familiar things around her. No she still didn't want to move. I was/am retired so no problem driving her to the doctors and we have two large hospitals in town. I'm at worst 35 minutes away from them. Then mu brother calls and he tells me he's putting mom in an assisted living facility. Gave mom one more chance. She was about 95 at the time and still adamant about staying in NYC. She wouldn't have to pay for anything,food,gas, elec, phone well you get the picture. Two years later she ends up in the hospital and passes away.So attended her funeral. To this day I still feel that if she had moved in with us maybe she would have had a better quality of life at the end. The kids were still in school,my wife and I are both disabled so someone would always be home for company and to keep an eye on her. All I can say is do your due dilligence in picking out a good home and visit often. Frank

 

[sousana]

Contact your local Agency on Aging, they are a well of knowledge. They can see if your eligible for part time to full time in home health care, plus, they know of resources you'd never think about.

If your considering a Skilled Nursing Facility, don't be afraid to go to each one and check them out, ask to walk the floors, ask questions of the staff.

1. What's the patient to staff ratio
2. Do they get all patients up every day?
3. Where are meals taken and what type of meals?
4. Are the floors properly stocked with towels, wash cloths, briefs, pads, etc?

Before I obtained my NP license I worked as a Travel Nurse going from doctors offices to nursing facility's and some are great, but the majority are short staffed, or too many patients per staff member, one facility the staff had to use pillow cases as wash cloths and blankets as pads.

Visit your states Department of Nursing and Health and check the facility's records of citations as each facility is required to be inspected by the state yearly.

My father, after being hospitalized in October for a Kidney stone, which ironically accelerated his dementia, which I was suspecting but wasn't sure of. It progressively got worse but I was able to watch him at home or have in home health care, sadly however, 5 months later, on his birthday, he fell into a coma, we ended up placing him in a hospice care facility where he passed away 1 day later.

Don't be afraid to ask for help from family and local agency's. If he's a Vet, the VA has programs where they help pay for in home care, but your going to do no one any good if you " run yourself down ".

 

[Rustyt1953]

Ruthie didn't forget about you. She has been burning the candle at both ends and has been busy.

She said to tell you to look for cleanliness in both the facility and how the residents look, are they clean, is their hair clean and done. Fancy furniture and the like do not matter. Watch for how the staff interacts with the residents and how the residents react to them. See what types of activities they have for the residents to participate in. Ask about quality of food as people with alzheimers/dementia typically have poor appetites.

 

[lihpster]

Ruthie didn't forget about you. She has been burning the candle at both ends and has been busy.

She said to tell you to look for cleanliness in both the facility and how the residents look, are they clean, is their hair clean and done. Fancy furniture and the like do not matter. Watch for how the staff interacts with the residents and how the residents react to them. See what types of activities they have for the residents to participate in. Ask about quality of food as people with alzheimers/dementia typically have poor appetites.

Didn't for one second think she had. I know you all have alot on your plate right now. I'm in no hurry as I first have to work through the legal system. That should go quick. I thank you both for taking the time. It means the world to me.

 

[lihpster]

As if I didn't have enough to stress about. Just talked to a lawyer. Got told that "it'll be a stretch" to get me appointed as guardian/conservator. Reason? The court requires a bond to insure you don't steal all the money. For this you need good credit. I have no credit score. I pay cash and live within my means. So, because of that, I most likely will not be granted guardian/conservatorship of my own father. Somehow, the fact that I didn't borrow money I don't have makes me a bad person and not acceptable as a caregiver. Also, even if I do get the guardianship, the lawyer tells me I'll have to move out of the house and sell it. So, if I do the right thing for my dad, I get rewarded by being forced into homelessness. I think I need a new lawyer.