Ghosts of Relationships Past

[Ματθιας]

I've been so busy lately that I've not had a chance to wind down. I finally got a week where things are going back to normal.

This past week I've had a few weird things happen to me. But first let me give the background.

Back in the 1990s I met the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen at a dealership. I'd seen the reaction and the attention of all the guys that were there and I knew that I had no chance. I'm not the most handsome guy, either.
I was a lot attendant and she was hired as a sales rep durning one of the big tent sales. She was put in the delivery area with one of the more experienced sales lady for OJT. I was also in the delivery area, for, well, delivering cars. Instead of trying to hit on her and doing/saying dumb things to impress her, I treated her like one of the guys - and we became friends. Over the 7 or 8 months she worked there, we became close and would often find ourselves together - a lot. I saw her so much during work that I didn't think to ask her out or even ask for her number.

I don't remember why she left, but when she left, she left her business card with her phone number under my windshield wiper! I jumped on the phone and called!

We went from friends, to really good friends and more if you know what I mean It was the best time of my life! I hadn't been happier before or since! She's the love of my life! She's EVERYTHING I wanted!

Over time, because of work schedules, we saw less and less of each other and grew apart. We still talked on the phone regularly, but after a while, became clear to me that I was in the friend zone. UGH, In my inexperience and desperation, I became the very thing that she told me in the beginning she hated - needy and clingy.

I lost her. I hated myself for killing the relationship. It took me years to get over her. I thought I did.

I've had girlfriends before and since, but never anybody like her! I realize that what I remember is probably a distortion of what really happened, but...the relationship probably wan't meant to be.

Fast forward to this past week. I had some time off and I had a dream about her. From what remember it was about riding in a car together. I hadn't thought about her for years. Then, I was going though some old boxes and I find a Bible she gave me for my birthday. She'd written beautiful dedication to me. I'm not going to lie, I got teary eyed and nostalgic when I read it.

Then the strangest thing if all, I was watching a rerun of an old TV series, and I see her name in the credits. She has a somewhat common first and last name, and the series was made when she'd have been a young teen, so it's not her, but what a strange coincidence!

I don't know what any of that means, but why now? I find myself reliving those old memories and thinking about her. I've been thinking about her a lot. I realize that the person I knew so long ago no longer exists as she's changed and Ive changed. I thought I'd gotten over her but it seems I'm still in love with a ghost from my past.

There's a reason why she was in my life then, and there's a reason why the memory of her resurfaced now. What it is I don't know.

I'm debating contacting her through social media... I think the best thing for me to do is leave things be.

 

[walnutred]

I'd reach out to her. In High School I dated a girl for two years. When she graduated she went to college and I went other paths. We both married other people and lost contact. My wife of 35 years died and one day my mom asked "What ever happened to that girl you dated in HS?" Out of curiosity I looked her up and she was also recently widowed after being married for 37 years. I sent her a letter, yes letter. We exchanged letters, email and phone calls and decided we were both different in many ways but also the same people, in many ways. We dated for a year and have been married for two years now.

 

[Ivan the Butcher]

Water flows downstream, leave it there.

Ivan

 

[Onomea]

Perhaps through an internet search or social media you can determine if she is currently married or not. If she is currently married, stay away. If not — and if you are not married, of course — sure, contact her.

What's the downside?

Well, I suppose the downside is disappointment and/or rejection, but that does not seem a particularly high price to pay to me for the possibility of rekindling a relationship that meant a lot to you.

 

[sigp220.45]

Don’t be a weirdo. Move on.

 

[Ματθιας]

Don’t be a weirdo. Move on.

Dude, that was harsh! I hear what you're saying.

 

[Bekeart]

Learn From the Past - Look Forward

know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away, And know when to run

"No man ever steps in the same river twice for it's not the same river and he's not the same man." -Heraclitus

Bekeart

Do not tell me I am wrong - that was my Ex's job.

 

[ColbyBruce]

Life is short, do your best to enjoy what you have left of it.

 

[cherrypointmarine]

My birthday was earlier in the month . My wife usually gets the mail , and one day she came in and gave me an envelope . I opened it up and it was a birthday card , the writing was definitely female . It was signed a secret admirer . Now we've been married 40 years and I've never even looked at another woman . The only female I can think of was an old high school girlfriend . We stayed together while I was in the Corps and for a while afterwards . We drifted apart and then I met my wife , and I knew that was it . But a couple of days after the card I too had a dream about an old flame . I could look her up , but I'm happy with my wife and my life . But it does make a 66 year old feel good to have a secret admirer .

 

[arjay]

I contacted one I hadn’t seen in 25 years a few years after she was widowed and I was divorced.There’s no chemistry anymore,but we are friends again with busy lives 1000 miles apart.Works for me.

 

[MelvinWalker]

i know exactly what you are saying and I have similar stories, but I can tell you three things for sure:

1) You are asking on here, so you are going to do what you want to do anyway...However, consider this:

2) People tend not to change their core personalities from 20 years old to 80 years old. They may change likes, interests and many other things, but there core personalities will remain the same. That applies to you and her and me and everyone else.

3) Don't build a fantasy in your mind that was never there on her part...Again refer to number two. If it didn't work out then, there were reasons why and the same problems will creep in again.

I have been married to a fine gal for over thirty years, but if I let unreality settle in, I can make myself believe things were different than they actually were with prior girlfriends....They weren't and they would end up the same now that they ended then.

 

[Rustyt1953]

Knock on the door. Whether Yea or Nay you will have an answer.

 

[ladder13]

Perhaps through an internet search or social media you can determine if she is currently married or not. If she is currently married, stay away. If not — and if you are not married, of course — sure, contact her.

What's the downside?

Well, I suppose the downside is disappointment and/or rejection, but that does not seem a particularly high price to pay to me for the possibility of rekindling a relationship that meant a lot to you.

This ^^^^^^^^ scratch the itch.

 

[LVSteve]

My memory tells me that there were good reasons I'm not still with girls/women I knew 30-40 years ago. My reality chip tells me that it's 95% or more certain that those reasons still exist.

 

[Bald1]

Ya got nothing to loose. If she is single, have at it. If she is spoken for, DO NOT !

 

[swsig]

It's pretty much a crapshoot. If you parted on friendly or non-antagonistic terms, and if you're certain you've outgrown your needy/clingy self, and you're willing to start out slow and easy as just a friend, it might be worth a shot.

But you never know. I had one female friend throughout high school who clearly liked me because she was always teasing me. I didn't pursue her because she was going steady with one of my best friends. But she broke up with him just before we graduated, and wrote me a nice romantic note in my yearbook. Then she disappeared. Eight years later and 500 miles away, I ran into her at a theater. I thought she'd be pleased to see me. Wrong! She refused to acknowledge that she'd ever known me, although we'd been good friends throughout high school. I reeled off all of the things we'd done together over those years. No response. Even today, that was the strangest conversation I've ever had.

On the other hand, two other girls I'd known in high school just as friends, were all over me at our 20-year reunion. If I hadn't already been married to the lovely Mrs. swsig by then, I probably could have acquired a wife. So you never know....

 

[Ματθιας]

Writing out my story and reading the comments from you all helped me with a bit of insight and a bit of therapy. Thanks!

Thinking about it, the memories bubbled up for a reason. Maybe, something is missing from my life and I'm chasing the good feelings, the high, if you will, from from that relationship. Maybe reliving those memories is a way to escape what's in my current life. I think that's what it is.

I need to figure out what's going with me on before I attempt to make contact. For now, I'm content with the memories, probably distorted, but happy memories. The last thing I want to do is disrupt her life. It wouldn't be fair to her.

 

[326MOD10]

I look at old relationships the way I look at old jobs.

Once you have been out a while you only remember the good times. You forget the reasons why it didn't work out in the first place.

 

[bigmtnman]

At 54 I married my "dream girl" since we were 14. We had grown up together but she didn't return my feelings then. I had regular "sweet dreams" about her for decades no matter what else was going on for me. Finally, at age 54, the stars aligned for me and we were married. I pretty quickly found out why her first husband left her at age 40 and she had been single with a number of failed relationships since then. I had never misjudged anyone so badly. Her covert narcissism "gaslighting" turned my brain into scrambled eggs ! After 7 years (mercifully for me) she called it quits I wrote her a song of thankfulness !!

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bncfo_ivdpM&t=30s&ab_channel=bigmtngreybeard[/ame]

Also, I have been mostly disappointed in reconnecting with gals I used to know.
So I have two things for you to consider ----
Do NOT forget when chasing the "girl of your dreams" that NIGHTMARES are also dreams !
The odds are not in your favor of the gals you used to like still being as likeable now.

 

[MelvinWalker]

I look at old relationships the way I look at old jobs.

Once you have been out a while you only remember the good times. You forget the reasons why it didn't work out in the first place.

So true....If I think back objectively, do I really want that kindof drama again no matter how great the good times seemed 40 years later? Also, do I want to willingly do selective memory about how great things were 100% of the time, when in reality, it was only great part of the time?