My answer is better. Wait until Monday night. Everyone know the Lions never win on Monday nights.
joke of the day
- Thread starter old bear
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My answer is better. Wait until Monday night. Everyone know the Lions never win on Monday nights.
A nun and a novice were driving through the Irish countryside when a devil suddenly materialized on the hood of their car.
Novice: Oh My! What shall we do?
Nun: Quick! Show him your cross.
Novice: [Sticking her head out the window and screaming] Get your ugly self off of our car, you despicable creature!
Novice: Oh My! What shall we do?
Nun: Quick! Show him your cross.
Novice: [Sticking her head out the window and screaming] Get your ugly self off of our car, you despicable creature!
An Irish man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says we're having a special, $5.00 for an endless mug, you drink it, I fill it up as many times as you want. The guy puts $10 on the bar and says gimme two.
Regards,
turnerriver
Regards,
turnerriver
Not a joke, but saw a sign a while back. It was at a local community center, and said "Woman sale!"
I thought that was now illegal?
I thought that was now illegal?
flip flappy
Member
Two antennas get married. The ceremony wasn't out of the ordinary but the reception was great!
Sorry folks! That is the cleanest joke I know! I had typed out a long joke that is my all time favorite but deleted it before posting because it might have been a little vulgar.
Sorry folks! That is the cleanest joke I know! I had typed out a long joke that is my all time favorite but deleted it before posting because it might have been a little vulgar.
Jim1392
US Veteran
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.' The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.' The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Jim1392
US Veteran
Two blondes came into a bar, sat down, and ordered drinks. They were making merry in a serious way and it was obvious to the bartender that they were celebrating something big. His curiosity finally got the better of him and he says "I hate to be nosey, but it's obvious that you two are celebrating something big. What's the occasion?"
One blonde replies, "Well, we are just sooo proud of ourselves, because we just finished - just the two of us alone - a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle in only 3 days."
Confused, the bartender asks "What's so special about that?"
To which the other blonde says, "Are you kidding? On the box it says 3 - 5 years."
One blonde replies, "Well, we are just sooo proud of ourselves, because we just finished - just the two of us alone - a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle in only 3 days."
Confused, the bartender asks "What's so special about that?"
To which the other blonde says, "Are you kidding? On the box it says 3 - 5 years."
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One day a Rabbi was walking and came upon the Town of Tridd,It was at the Base of a large Mountain.The Rabbi asked if Anyone ever climbed to the Top and One Tridd said They did once but a mean Giant kicked Them off,The Rabbi said that He would be happy to go up with Them and talk to the Giant so off They went up to the Top of the Mountain. As soon as They got there the Angry Giant ran up and Kicked all the Tridds off the Mountain.The Rabbi was concerned about what Happened and Asked the Giant why He did such a thing and the Giant replied, Silly Rabbi Kicks are for Tridds. (Sorry for the bad joke but its the only clean one I could think of).
Ole ran into Sven on the street and Sven says "Ole you need better shades on your windows in your house. I could see you and Lena kissing throught them last nite." Ole says " the jokes on you Sven, I wasn't even home last nite."
Stu1205
Member
Two friends were sitting and talking.
One asked the other, "What is the one thing you want to do most
before you die?
"Attend my ex wife's funeral," he replied.
One asked the other, "What is the one thing you want to do most
before you die?
"Attend my ex wife's funeral," he replied.
Tex1001
Member
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we're not even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?"
"O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans'. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "Oh really, how much have you got so far."
"So far....10 gallons."
_______________________
I don't have Alzheimer's- My wife had me tested.
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?"
"O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans'. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "Oh really, how much have you got so far."
"So far....10 gallons."
_______________________
I don't have Alzheimer's- My wife had me tested.
Tex1001
Member
Almost forgot about this one:
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
_______________________
I don't have Alzheimer's- My wife had me tested.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
_______________________
I don't have Alzheimer's- My wife had me tested.
OLDSTER
Member
A priest returning from a wedding late on a rainy night failed to negotiate a corner and went into the ditch and rolled his car. He lay in the grass all beat up and bloodied. A well "oiled" driver coming from the other direction, returning home from a late night at the Moose Club noticed the overturned car in the ditch, and pulled over to see if he could help. When he saw the battered priest laying there, he asked " father are you all right?" The priest responded " yes son, I have the lord with me". Where upon the inebriated fellow replied " well father, you better let him ride with me; your gonna kill him". 
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Jim1392
US Veteran
Bob walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was just coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building about to jump.
The blonde looks at Bob and says, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair is fair," she says. "Here's your money."
Bob replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I saw that too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
The blonde looks at Bob and says, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair is fair," she says. "Here's your money."
Bob replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I saw that too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
The older I get, the funnier this gets.
A rich old man goes golfing with his friends and he brings along a gorgeous young lady.
"Well guys, meet my new fiancée" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty.
After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his friends accompanies him and quietly asks: "how did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least forty years younger than you!"
"I lied about my age"
"And she believed you!? How old did you say you were?"
"I told her I was ninety"
Regards,
turnerriver
A rich old man goes golfing with his friends and he brings along a gorgeous young lady.
"Well guys, meet my new fiancée" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty.
After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his friends accompanies him and quietly asks: "how did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least forty years younger than you!"
"I lied about my age"
"And she believed you!? How old did you say you were?"
"I told her I was ninety"
Regards,
turnerriver
Here's one my 13 year old daughter told me this morning:
Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
A: With an itheburg.
Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
A: With an itheburg.
dave holl
Absent Comrade
Back when John Cooper coached the Ohio State Buckeyes, this made the airwaves during a particular bad season............
What do Billy Graham and John Cooper have in common?
They both can make 70,000 people jump up and yell "JESUS CHRIST".
Dave
What do Billy Graham and John Cooper have in common?
They both can make 70,000 people jump up and yell "JESUS CHRIST".
Dave
Comrad
Member
Jim1392
US Veteran
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabu, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime,the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and with a smile, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime,the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and with a smile, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
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My 7 year old grandsons favorite.
A convict is paroled and out of jail. He is ecstatic jumping around and screaming "I'm Free, I'm Free".
A young girl watching turns to her mother and says " That's nothin, I'm four". [said with a slight lisp]
A convict is paroled and out of jail. He is ecstatic jumping around and screaming "I'm Free, I'm Free".
A young girl watching turns to her mother and says " That's nothin, I'm four". [said with a slight lisp]
The traveling salesman's car broke down and he asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer said, "Yes, but you'll have to share a bed with my teenage son."
The salesman said, "I gotta get out of here, I'm in the wrong joke!"
===================
Two fellows who had just met were getting acquainted over a round of golf. Playing ahead of them was a pair of women who were playing very slowly taking extra time at the tee, searching for errant balls, and so forth. The men were becoming increasingly frustrated at being held up.
Finally one of the men said, "I'm going to ask those two ladies if we can play through." He started walking towards them but partway there, he stopped, turned around and came hustling back. "I can't go speak to those women - one is my wife and the other is my mistress!"
His partner laughed and said, "Alright, I'll go ask them if we can play through." He also went partway there, stopped and then hustled back.
"Small world," he said.
The salesman said, "I gotta get out of here, I'm in the wrong joke!"
===================
Two fellows who had just met were getting acquainted over a round of golf. Playing ahead of them was a pair of women who were playing very slowly taking extra time at the tee, searching for errant balls, and so forth. The men were becoming increasingly frustrated at being held up.
Finally one of the men said, "I'm going to ask those two ladies if we can play through." He started walking towards them but partway there, he stopped, turned around and came hustling back. "I can't go speak to those women - one is my wife and the other is my mistress!"
His partner laughed and said, "Alright, I'll go ask them if we can play through." He also went partway there, stopped and then hustled back.
"Small world," he said.
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
cussedemgun
Member
another golf story
Three elderly gentlemen were on the 5th green. It was a pleasant morning & all seemed to be having a good time.
One commented "I would like to play more often if it wasn't so expensive."
"Why expensive?" asked another.
"I had to promise my wife that new car she's been wanting to get her to let me play today." he answered.
The third said "you got off easy, I had to commit to remodeling the kitchen, heaven only knows how much that's gonna cost me."
The second said "you guys just don't know how to handle a woman. No need for such promises, I got up this morning, stretched & groaned, I said 'gett'en a little stiff & think it's time for exercise, what do you think, golf course or intercourse ?'"
She said "better take a sweater, the weather is starting to cool."
Three elderly gentlemen were on the 5th green. It was a pleasant morning & all seemed to be having a good time.
One commented "I would like to play more often if it wasn't so expensive."
"Why expensive?" asked another.
"I had to promise my wife that new car she's been wanting to get her to let me play today." he answered.
The third said "you got off easy, I had to commit to remodeling the kitchen, heaven only knows how much that's gonna cost me."
The second said "you guys just don't know how to handle a woman. No need for such promises, I got up this morning, stretched & groaned, I said 'gett'en a little stiff & think it's time for exercise, what do you think, golf course or intercourse ?'"
She said "better take a sweater, the weather is starting to cool."
Jim1392
US Veteran
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son......
"Go get your Mother"
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son......
"Go get your Mother"
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Lee's Landing Billy
Member
Guy walks into a bar with his talking dog. Bets everybody in the bar $10 each his dog can talk. All bets taken he tells the dog to speak.....NOTHING. Guy pays up, grabs the dog by his leash and snatches him out the door. Out side the guy says "Why didn't you say something?" Dog says, "Think what the odds will be tomorrow night."
Jim1392
US Veteran
A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm... Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun...
He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened..
So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun...
He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened..
So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'
It was a hot, dry, dusty day in the little Texas town when a cowboy rode up and got off his horse in front of the only bar in town.
A group of the local residents idly watched him tie his horse to the rail and then were incredulous to see what happened next. The cowboy walks around behind his horse, lifts up the horse's tail and kisses him right square on the butt.
Well the townspeople were fit to be tied and one of them asks the cowboy, "What was the for?"
The cowboy replies, "Chapped lips."
Well, the townspeople think about this for a bit and then another one asks him, "That cures it?"
The cowboy replies, "Nope. But it sure keeps me from licking my lips."
A group of the local residents idly watched him tie his horse to the rail and then were incredulous to see what happened next. The cowboy walks around behind his horse, lifts up the horse's tail and kisses him right square on the butt.
Well the townspeople were fit to be tied and one of them asks the cowboy, "What was the for?"
The cowboy replies, "Chapped lips."
Well, the townspeople think about this for a bit and then another one asks him, "That cures it?"
The cowboy replies, "Nope. But it sure keeps me from licking my lips."
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oh how I wish I could make a comparison to a political party strategy....
But I dasn't.
