Shooting Padre
US Veteran
Is there any reason that we don't have a clean humor section in our forums? I enjoy a good laugh once in a while. Or daily. 
More Clean Jokes
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DOUG'S FUNERAL
Doug works hard at the Cement Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Doug! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this before. "Oh no," says Doug. "He's in my bowling league ."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Doug if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Doug, starts to rub herself all over him and says... "Hi Doug. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Doug's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Doug follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Doug tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it she is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Doug, you picked up a real witch this time.'
DOUG'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD
Saturday, OCTOBER 30 AT 3:00 P.M.
Doug works hard at the Cement Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Doug! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this before. "Oh no," says Doug. "He's in my bowling league ."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Doug if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Doug, starts to rub herself all over him and says... "Hi Doug. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Doug's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Doug follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Doug tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it she is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Doug, you picked up a real witch this time.'
DOUG'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD
Saturday, OCTOBER 30 AT 3:00 P.M.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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Blind man walked into a department store and started to wave his cane all around sending items from the shelves crashing to the floor.
A nearby clerk rushed to the man pleading "Sir, sir please, may I help you?".
"No thanks, just looking!".
A nearby clerk rushed to the man pleading "Sir, sir please, may I help you?".
"No thanks, just looking!".
DaGOOSExyz
Member
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The teacher was asking each child what their Father did for a living.
When she got to little Johnny he said my Dad don't do nothing, he's
dead. I'm sorry Johnny said the teacher, what did he do before he died?
Little Johnny grabbed his stomach and said "he went, OOOOOOwwwwooo"
( Old George Burns joke )
When she got to little Johnny he said my Dad don't do nothing, he's
dead. I'm sorry Johnny said the teacher, what did he do before he died?
Little Johnny grabbed his stomach and said "he went, OOOOOOwwwwooo"
( Old George Burns joke )
+1 to numbers.....
+1 to posts two and three. I heard the one with the blind man, but he brought in his seeing eye dog and started whirling him around by his tail. Same answer.
+1 to posts two and three. I heard the one with the blind man, but he brought in his seeing eye dog and started whirling him around by his tail. Same answer.
WhitleyStu
Member
An elderly woman was in court on shop lifting charges. The judge looked at the arrest documents and saw she had stolen a jar of peaches. The judge asked her how many peaches were in the jar. She said, "I think there were five."
The judge said, "Well, I'm giving you five days in jail, one for each peach."
The judge noticed a little old man, the woman's husband, standing up in the back of the court room. The judge said, "Sir, do you have something to say?"
The little old man replied, "Ask her about the can of peas she stole, too."
The judge said, "Well, I'm giving you five days in jail, one for each peach."
The judge noticed a little old man, the woman's husband, standing up in the back of the court room. The judge said, "Sir, do you have something to say?"
The little old man replied, "Ask her about the can of peas she stole, too."
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i dont know any clean jokes and if i thought i did it would turn out not to good for me but i am enjoying these thanks
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
vigil617
US Veteran
DISCLAIMER: The following joke is fat tom's, and many of you saw it a couple of weeks ago and "liked" the post. I don't see Shooting Padre on there, though, so this is for him and anyone else who missed it the first time. I have enjoyed telling this joke several times since fat tom shared it with us. Thanks, f.t.!
After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
The wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on, she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her, long and passionately, as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday I fish."
After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
The wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on, she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her, long and passionately, as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday I fish."
vito
US Veteran
This last one had me laughing so loud my wife came running into the room and asked me what was going on! Thanks for a good laugh first thing in the morning.
Wyatt Burp
Member
A mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here! Get out!!"
Mushroom says, "But I'm a funghi!"
Mushroom says, "But I'm a funghi!"
Hillbilly77
Member
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An oldie:
A priest, a lawyer, and a politician all walk into a bar.
The barkeep says, "What is this, a joke?"
A priest, a lawyer, and a politician all walk into a bar.
The barkeep says, "What is this, a joke?"
SC_Mike
Member
Old country man ran an advertisement that he had the best bird dog in the county and probably the State for sale. Rich fellow from the city drove out and wanted to see the dog hunt, so the old guy took him quail hunting. On the drive out to the fields the dog jumped up in the bed of the truck and pointed at a man on the corner waiting on a bus. The city man said, " look that dog's no good he's point out that business man". The old man pulled over and walked up to the guy in the suit and asked him if he had any birds on him to which he replied"no I haven't even been around birds". The old country man apologized and said "by the way, whats your name?" The city man said "Bob White".
Hillbilly77
Member
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2012
- Messages
- 6,183
- Reaction score
- 18,481
A stranger walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables slung around his neck.
The bartender eyes him suspiciously and tells him, "You can stay, but don't start anything."
The bartender eyes him suspiciously and tells him, "You can stay, but don't start anything."
Odinkar
US Veteran
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A duck walks into a bar. He asks the bartender "You got any grapes?" The bartender says "This is a bar! We serve alcohol! Now get out of here!" The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday! This is a bar. We serve alcohol! Come in here again and ask for a grape, I'll nail you beak the the bar! Now get out of here!" The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any nails?" The bartender says, "Nope" The duck says. "Got any grapes!"
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday! This is a bar. We serve alcohol! Come in here again and ask for a grape, I'll nail you beak the the bar! Now get out of here!" The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any nails?" The bartender says, "Nope" The duck says. "Got any grapes!"
The Newspaper
Ole died. Lena goes to the newspaper office to print the death notice.
The clerk asks her, "What do you want it to say?"
"Ole died."
The clerk looks up. "What else?"
"Nothing else."
"But Lena, you were married to Ole all those years. Don't you want to say anything else about him?"
"Nope."
The clerk thinks a minute. "You know, Lena, it won't cost you any more if you add a little. The first ten words are the same price."
"Ten words, and it won't cost extra?" she asks.
The clerk nods.
Lena thinks hard, then says, "Ole died. Boat for sale."
Ole died. Lena goes to the newspaper office to print the death notice.
The clerk asks her, "What do you want it to say?"
"Ole died."
The clerk looks up. "What else?"
"Nothing else."
"But Lena, you were married to Ole all those years. Don't you want to say anything else about him?"
"Nope."
The clerk thinks a minute. "You know, Lena, it won't cost you any more if you add a little. The first ten words are the same price."
"Ten words, and it won't cost extra?" she asks.
The clerk nods.
Lena thinks hard, then says, "Ole died. Boat for sale."
Bad News
The doctor tells Ole he only has a few days left to live. Ole thinks a little, looks hard at Lena, and says, "Lena, promise me. Swear to me that when I'm gone, you'll marry Sven Svenson."
"SVEN SVENSON???" she shrieks. "You've hated him all your life!"
Ole answers, "Yaa, I still do."
The doctor tells Ole he only has a few days left to live. Ole thinks a little, looks hard at Lena, and says, "Lena, promise me. Swear to me that when I'm gone, you'll marry Sven Svenson."
"SVEN SVENSON???" she shrieks. "You've hated him all your life!"
Ole answers, "Yaa, I still do."
Workers
Ole and Lars were working for the city public works department in Wisconsin. Ole would dig a hole and Lars would follow behind and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked Ole, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
Ole, the hole digger, wiped his brow and sighed, 'Vell, I suppose it probably looks odd because ve're normally a three-person team. But today Sven, who plants da trees called in sick.'
Ole and Lars were working for the city public works department in Wisconsin. Ole would dig a hole and Lars would follow behind and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked Ole, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
Ole, the hole digger, wiped his brow and sighed, 'Vell, I suppose it probably looks odd because ve're normally a three-person team. But today Sven, who plants da trees called in sick.'
One Sunday morning
One Sunday morning, the Lutheran pastor noticed Ole standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Norwegian had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ole, and said quietly, 'Good morning Ole.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, vat is dis?' The pastor said, 'Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, Ole's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear
asked, 'Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?
One Sunday morning, the Lutheran pastor noticed Ole standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Norwegian had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ole, and said quietly, 'Good morning Ole.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, vat is dis?' The pastor said, 'Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, Ole's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear
asked, 'Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?
