More Clean Jokes

The Chinaman

A young man walks through New York Chinatown and notices a shop with the name Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. He thought it seemed out of place but curiosity got the best of him and he walked into the shop. He sees an old Chinese man sitting in the corner.
He asked the old man, How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?
Old Man - That's the name of the owner.
Young Man - Who's the owner?
Old Man - I am.
Young Man - How did you get a name like Hans Olaffsen?
Old Man - Many years ago when I came to this country from Hong Kong, I was standing in line at Immigration. A man in front of me was a big blond Norwegian. The lady from Immigration asked him, What is your name? He say "Hans Olaffsen". Lady ask me, What is your name? I say Sam Ting.
 
Ole Computer Terms

Log On: Making da wood stove hotter
Log Off: Don't add no more wood
Monitor: Keepin an eye on da wood
Download: Getting da wood off da truck
Megahertz: Ven yer not careful getting da firewood
Floppy Disk: Vat yew get from trying tew carry tew much wood
Ram: Dat ting dat splits da wood
Hard Drive: Getting home in da winter time in the snow
Prompt: Vat da mail ain't in da winter time
Windows: Vat yew shut when it's cold outside
Screen: Vat yew shut vens it's black fly season
Byte: Vat dem dang black flies do
Chip: Munchies fer da TV
Microchip:Vats in da bottom of da munchies bag
Modem: Vat yew did tew da hay fields
Keyboard: Where yew hang da keys
Software: Dem dang plastic forks and knives
Mouse: Vat eats da grain in da barn
Mainframe: Holds up da barn roof
Port: Fancy wine
Random Access Memory: Ven yew can't remember vat yew paid fer da rifle, ven yer wife asks.
 
Last edited:
A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually.'

I have a new pick up line that works every time! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away.' But since many doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best.
_______________________
I don't have Alzheimer's- My wife had me tested.
 
Divorce

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."
 
Can't remember where I came across this (hope it wasn't on here), but hope you enjoy. My wife thought it was funny and then told me she found me in the basement of that store.

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The First floor - has wives that love sex.

The Second floor - has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
This isn't a joke; it's true, and this one goes out especially to a man of the cloth like Shooting Padre.

One of my former pastors loved to tell the story of the Easter Sunday when he was serving the Methodist Church in a small Eastern North Carolina town.

As was his custom, the pastor had "Children's Time" down front during the 11 a.m. service, and all the kids from the church would come and gather around him to hear a Bible story or a short lesson.

All the kids were dressed in their best Easter clothes, including one tiny little girl who was a vision of loveliness in a frilly, lacy dress that made her look like a princess. She sat down right next to the pastor.

He could not help but remark, "My my, Susie, that is an absolutely beautiful dress you are wearing today!"

She leaned forward, spoke directly into his microphone, and told him and the packed crowd, "Thank you. My mama says it's a b***h to iron."
 
That story reminds me of another one of those "out of the mouths of babes" deals. Again, not a joke, but sure cracked up everyone there.

Another Easter Sunday morning service, and the youth pastor had the kids all around him. "What are we especially thankful for today?" he asked? The kids sort of looked at one another when suddenly one little boy jumped up and said, "I know...Jesus died on the cross." and beamed with pride for knowing the answer. The pastor waited a second, trying to coax the rest of the answer and finally hinted..."and rose..." The boys eyes got wide, and he questioned, "Rose died too?"
 
Ole and Sven went deer hunting in the far north woods. After walking a long distance from their pickup Ole bagged a huge buck. He asked Sven to help him drag it to the pickup. They were dragging it by the hind legs and were really struggling and not making a lot of progress. Pretty soon they met another hunter who told them the buck would be easier to drag if they drug it by the horns. They said they would give it a try.

After sometime Ole said, "you know, ve are really making goot time and dis ol buck is sure easier to drag."

Sven answered, "Ya, you betcha but vun ting worries me. Ve are gettin' farder and farder from da pickup."
 
A town received a new fire truck. They decided to ask a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, and a Jewish rabbi to come for the dedication. The Catholic priest put some holy water on it and blessed it. The Baptist minister laid hands on it and prayed for it. The Rabbi took his time and walked all around it, took out his pocket knife, and cut a quarter inch off the hose.
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. His eyes are rolled back in his head and he doesn't seem to be breathing. The other hunter takes out his cell phone and calls for help.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm voice, says: "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence on the phone, then a shot is heard and the hunter's voice comes back on the line. "OK," he says, "now what?"
 
Two old Englishmen set playing chess . In a pub, finaly one looks up and says "Terribly sorry old chap, but I hear you buruied your wife the other day."

After awhile the other takes a drink of stout and mumbles "Yes, we had too. She died you know".



Can't help it. I love Brit jokes.
 
A young sailor comes back from noon chow pissing and moaning about the "******' Navy chow." One of the lifers says to him, "What are you bitching about now, Billy Bootcamp? What, exactly, was wrong with the chow?"

Says the Seaman Recruit, "Everything. Especially the steak. No damned good. ******' Navy chow!"

"Well, maybe you just got a bad one," says the senior petty officer. "Did you ever think about that?"

"What do you mean, one?" says the boot. "I had seven, and not one of them was any damned good. ******' Navy chow!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

bigride
ICU for Chim Chim?
Replies
4
Views
266
6518John
6518John
Narragansett
The New Finishes and Solvents
Replies
9
Views
318
MyTurn
M
Dump1567
19-3 Show & Tell
2
Replies
39
Views
2K
w8lfter
W
bigride
Awww, flitter.
Replies
14
Views
751
Rustyt1953
Rustyt1953
Davwingman
About IGGY!
5 6 7
Replies
133
Views
7K
bulletslap
B

Latest posts

Back
Top