She blindsided me!

[feralmerril]

I wrote a bad post here earlier and deleted it after about 15 minutes. To start with, this is like who gets to the cops first with their story. Truth is few of us know each other here. Human nature is to "believe" the story of someone telling it without hearing the others position. You might have been the best husband in the world, or she might have been the best wife in the world. I have been through the worlds second worst divorce. The worlds first worse is everyone else`s.
Mine started a few days before Christmas of 1985. Until the last few days I didnt know I had a problem. Ex ran off with another married man, our daughter and later, my most precious guns. That was my worst christmas, presents under the tree. This christmas was a close secound. My daughter insulted my wife 15 months ago and this christmas it boiled over to a real split. It is a indirect result from my divorce 28 years ago!!
Try to make it as agreeable as possible. Very, very few ever are. It will haunt all partys for life. Good luck to you BOTH.

 

[walter o]

Like it may have already been said .Talk to someone you know that has had a divorce and were taken to the cleaners ,Then talk to his WIFE'S lawyer .

 

[4011]

We'll finally a subject I know something about !!!! First get your firearms to your best friends safe! Next get you a bank account with a sibling are a good friend as a co owner! Next get a lawyer. You will be under a protection order unless the too of you are sensible enough to settle this mess without a bunch of junk. Remember their are grandparents to this child. Please don't forget us!!!!!! Watch your mouth and watch who your seen with.first emotion is to look for another lady!! This is the horse talking here, don't do it!!! I said don't do it! Did you hear me? Now get your wits together tell your mama the truth and get on with your life. You have some of the best emotional help and people who will pray for you right here. If you ask these folks will help you. I've asked and gotten the help. As I said this is the horse talking. Good luck my friend. Time will heal the Hurt and you'll feel better before you know it. Don't talk trash about the babies mother as it will come back and bite you. Wait till the child turns eighteen. They will know the truth by then.

 

[wildenout]

Thanks Gents,
Guns are hidden away and locked down. I don't carry around her or the wee one anymore. I have a bulldog lawyer, don't worry! And I record and document each conversation (she is aware). I also ask for everything she wishes to discuss in writing, and send my reply back in writing. I'm feeling good about this. I don't want to speak much more just in case, but things will be ok in April.

 

[SW_shooter]

Wildenout. sorry to hear about the forthcoming divorce, but been there done that.

My ex and I are better friends now than we were during the final 8 years of a 26 year marriage. All good advice being put up here for you.

I will say this though, my ex and I ended up hammering out the last details to the divorce over dinner after the lawyers just kept stirring things up. Everytime one of them made changes to the papers it got worse, it felt as if they were trying to pit us against each other to prolong the process and charge more for each call, rework of papers, filing, etc.. So we went to dinner and talked it out. Probably won't work for a lot of people but it did for us.

Good luck and watch what you say and do.

 

[BC38]

Kinda off topic, but I didn't know a process server can legally serve you through a door. I always thought that they have to see you face to face and hand you the papers, don't they? Otherwise how do they know its really you on the other side of the door? Your saying its you doesn't make it so....

 

[Doug M.]

It appears from reading the description that he was just getting home and had not yet gotten in.

 

[Sebago Son]

My divorce was brutal and the process took 4 years to complete.

Looking back on it, I can tell you a couple of things that I know for sure.

- The only thing worth fighting for is your relationship with your child. For that you should take off the kid gloves and go bare knuckles on the mat.

- Whatever it looks like today, it will be entirely different in a few years.

- Never give up your dignity. Tell the truth or say nothing at all.

Good Luck Brother. You'll need it. For sure this is the "E" ticket ride and very bumpy.

 

[radar1972]

Dang, what a thread! I now more fully comprehend why I've remained married for 42 years.... I got lucky!

 

[adwjc]

My divorce was brutal and the process took 4 years to complete.

Looking back on it, I can tell you a couple of things that I know for sure.

- The only thing worth fighting for is your relationship with your child. For that you should take off the kid gloves and go bare knuckles on the mat.

- Whatever it looks like today, it will be entirely different in a few years.

- Never give up your dignity. Tell the truth or say nothing at all.

Good Luck Brother. You'll need it. For sure this is the "E" ticket ride and very bumpy.

Been there, done that - have the scars to prove it.

1.Listen to your attorney, he/she is on your side.

2.Never believe anything she (the ex) ever told you or tells you in the future.

 

[BC38]

It appears from reading the description that he was just getting home and had not yet gotten in.

OK, I get that now. For some reason when I first read it I pictured him at home and answering the door - with the process server outside the door.

Dunno where I got that idea - maybe from the fact that I've been cooped up at home so much for the last 3 months...

 

[HOUSTON RICK]

There are days, only days, when I am jealous of those guys getting divorced! This too shall pass, even uncontested divorces have messy moments, and I had "uncontested" clients ( I did not specialize in divorce and do not ever touch it anymore) spend hundreds of dollars fighting over a stack of Playboy magazines that she did not want, but just would not let him have. Have a separate bank account and access to separate living accommodations. Do what you have to do, fight to be in your kid's lives and plan on replacing what you have to. Above all, book that vacation to Phuket and Angel City!

 

[Model 19 6"]

Get a good lawyer let him/her do the talking. Sounds like your son is young unlike my 2 were 13 and 15 had to be careful not to bad mouth mom. Let your attorney do the talking.

 

[J. R. WEEMS]

SHE????? Wants you in your sons life??? Very big of her. Don't count on it. I have always failed to see where this decision should be the womans alone-- this is BS unless you are a real bas----. I see too many boys raised just by women with way too many problems-- too many to even think about.

 

[williamlayton]

The most telling part of this whole rag is that I have not read a single post by any attorney on this board------does that tell you anything ?
Get an attorney---do what the hell he/she says and shut up.
She can't argue if you don't talk.
Blessings

 

[dcxplant]

Keep emotions out of the procedure, and it is a procedure, the best you can.

Listen to your lawyer but keep control of the message, iow, don't let the lawyers get bogged down and drag it out, they cost a lot of money.

Lawyers charge not only by the hour, but many charge min fees for calls and emails. Mine charges .2 for each email unless they have a big response then by the hour, also .25 for every phone cal that is less than that, so four 5 minute calls can cost an hour, same with emails!

Take notes, save questions until you have enough to use up at least .25 or better yet save them for a regular meeting (unless it's an urgent question). Stay organized and keep track of your thoughts ,notes, questions, so you don't waste time and money.

Keep civil and don't let either party use the kid as a weapon. If you see this happening put a stop to it immediately.

 

[Beemerguy53]

I learned far more about women during my divorce and the years following than I did in the 50 years prior to it.Watch your back.

Johnny Carson once said that you never really know a girl until you've sat across the table from her in a divorce negotiation.

My ex also wanted to be civil and cooperative...until her girlfriends and her lawyer pumped her up, and filled her head full of stories about what she was "entitled to"....

 

[Sebago Son]

SHE????? Wants you in your sons life??? Very big of her. Don't count on it. I have always failed to see where this decision should be the womans alone-- this is BS unless you are a real bas----. I see too many boys raised just by women with way too many problems-- too many to even think about.

No truer words were ever spoken....

 

[Mydogmax]

First... There IS life after divorce.
Then...
1. Get a good lawyer. They know the in's and outs of the system.
2. Try to stay calm. Your emotions are running at super-sonic pace right now.
3. Realize that this will cost some money and your lifestyle will change for a while. Please note that I said "for a while".
4. The pain WILL go away.
Last......The IS life after divorce.
I know, because I've been there. Very happy now. New wife & better life.

 

[Doug M.]

The most telling part of this whole rag is that I have not read a single post by any attorney on this board------does that tell you anything ?
Get an attorney---do what the hell he/she says and shut up.
She can't argue if you don't talk.
Blessings

*
Actually, I am, but I don't do family law for a lot of good reasons. That's why I gave the answer I did - practical, not legal advice.

 

[Dominus_Lex]

The first advise is by far the best; Get a better lawyer then you think you need and follow their advise, it's what you are paying for. Finally make your goals clear, no matter how solid the counsel, they cannot help you if you are not clear on what you hope to get out of the situation.

 

[Brian41]

One thing I did when going through a divorce was I sold all my guns to my boss who was an FFL. He gave me a receipt for the sale and took all my guns. I did stupid stuff later but my guns were never a part of that either.
I was asked about my guns in the settlement and explained they were sold, had receipts and paid bills with the proceeds as I was left with house and bills.
Guns were a nonissue and bought them back later when the divorce was settled.

 

[feralmerril]

If you can belive this, my ex got a restraining order from attending gunshows! She met her new boyfriend at a gunshow. He was the gofer who helped set up shows in california for a then well known promoter. My lawyer called me in and said I cant understand this but I think we should not protest it and just go along with it and get it lifted later. At that time I didnt know that my finest guns were missing out of my safe. It was so they could go ahead and sell them without me seeing them on the table. I had got married late in life to a chick a dozen years younger than me. The plan was to sell off part of my collection to get the down payment on a new house. I had a job where I could work endless OT on weekends for time and a half on saturdays and double time on sundays. Soon she was running our tables around california by herself. This was back in 1984 and 1985. When she ran off I took all the loose guns to a friends house but couldnt get into a seperate locked compartment in my antique floor safe. Couldnt find the key. That wasnt unusual for me so I didnt worry about those guns. Later it was apparent that she had took the key. I finaly busted open that compartment after about 8 months and the 7 or 8 guns that I wanted to keep forever were gone! Several I had inherited from a uncle that was highly decorated. One was the colt new frontier serial # 5355 NF that audie murphy had bough new. I owned all before I met her. I dont have pictures of all them but here are most of the missing guns. I can give serial #s if interested PM me. I do this once or twice a year hopeing to get some back some day. I couldnt even list them hot at the time as our divorce wasnt final yet and I had to get it wrote in later in the settelment that any found was to be considered mine. I also had a colt SAA 4 3/4" .38 wcf also taken with them serial # 273274 Thanks!
Remington Derringer # 414

S&W DA .44 Russian # 15856

Colt lightning #49038

Colt 1878 DA .45 colt #29872

Colt new frontier 45 colt #5355 NF

Luger # 2401

 

[Jeff423]

As good as possible experience

My ex and I went through a mediated divorce about 12 years ago. There was one child, no "issues" and was very cordial. The mediator/lawyer was great and because he believed in mediation discounted his hourly rate by about 70%. He had each of us hire a lawyer to review the custody and settlement agreements. We ended up with both joint physical and legal custody. The whole cost for mediation and our lawyers was about $2500. We both remarried, are still friendly, and probably speak about twice a month about our daughter. We've managed to divide up the expenses without any trauma. Daughter started college this fall and made the Deans List her first semester.
Our mediator said at the time that in his experience people either kept the custody agreements on the refrigerator door and referred to them daily or threw them in a desk and never looked at them again. Ours was the latter. My lawyer said it was fair and I never read it, because I knew what we had negotiated.
I realize this is not the norm but it is/was my experience.

Jeff

 

[bgrone]

Divorce

As others have said, stay calm , don't say or do anything you may regret. Her lawyer may have pushed her to file earlier for whatever reason, my ex and I had most everything worked out till her lawyer stirred the pot. All in all it went well, I was newly sober which made it easier to deal with and my AA and treatment center friends provided a great support group. We both agreed not to put the 2 children in the middle, we never bad-mouthed each other. We had a very flexible custody schedule; they primarily lived with her in the home they had grown up in, kept all their friends and stayed in the same schools. Until I remarried well after both girls had graduated high school we celebrated Christmas together. Our girls did well once they realized they did not have to choose between us.
Both are married now and doing well . I have remarried and have 4 (step)sons who consider my daughters their blood sisters . My ex and my wife are good friends now
we have many overlapping family events and everyone gets along.(yes they both gang up on me but I probably deserve it)

The main thing is to keep things peaceful for your son's sake,years from now you will be glad you did.

 

[blujax01]

She may have filed before January 1 so she can claim the house or Student loans or whatever on her taxes. If you got talked into sharing a lawyer to save expenses, screw that and get your own. If you haven't already, let him/her know today that you have been served. Do not wait for Thursday.

A summons is an act of war. React accordingly.

 

[Odinkar]

In addition to what has been said keep a spread sheet of your expenses for everything to include what you spend on your son. If you buy your son a coke at Sonic at happy hour write it down and keep a receipt, gifts, medical etc. as well. I got that advise when I went through my divorce and it saved me about $500.00 a month in child support. Know what you want and what you are willing to live with. Tell your lawyer and let him deal with it. No one will win no matter what. Try and do what's best for your son. Prayers are with you.

 

[JBUS]

Some things that helped me. Good luck OP.

Always be civil in front of your child when dealing with your ex.

Never talk bad about your ex in front of you child. That goes for others as well.

If you go to court and change your custody agreement make sure you keep that agreement handy. I do not know you or your wife but it always seems as if one parent has a differant agreement and when we show up to talk to the other parent, they have a modified agreement but do not have it with them so the coniving parent tries to pass the old agreement off as current.

Do not let your ex have tax write off for your child. I F'd up and let my ex do that. I did it thinking she wouldn't try for retirement. Which she did but she soon realized her retirement was waaaaay better than mine so we agreed to no retirement taking from eachother.

Do not accept no specified days for visitions. I made sure my paperwork stated it was flexible due to my days off as I work patrol and sometimes am changing days due to gang details.

Make sure it's documented who gets the child on major holidays.

Not only have I had to go to calls for service and deal with parents fighting over their kids on holiday weekends and kid(s) birthdays but I had to deal with my ex wanting to fight over holidays as well.

I'm probably the lucky one. She pulled her head out and we now have a great working relationship. I treat it like a business relationship and keep emotions out. It isn't easy but I work hard at it.

It's going so well that my wife is becoming good friends with my ex. Which is nice since they hated each other for a long time.

Apologies for the long post but this is just some of what I encounter out on the streets as well as in personal life.

 

[bobcat]

Take care of yourself, that's the main thing, and I mean physically and emotionally. Get counseling, don't fall into the bottle, and just realize it's going to be a time of emotional turmoil and listen to your lawyer.

Mine is 17 years in the past, and the most miserable experience of my life. I have no relation ship with my 3 children, my ex took care of that, and I've had to move on. I have a wonderful wife and a good life now, but I sure miss my kids!

Take care...