to9
Member
Hide your guns and ammo . Remember for better or worse . And keep on smileing It will get better .It ain't easy being us . but it a'int easy putting up with us at times either . Been through it . Good luck.
Surviving menopause
- Thread starter Stevie
- Start date
I agree that Women just want the guys in their lives to care. We want to solve the problem. Seems like the natural thing to do to me. Unfortunately, with menopause, there is nothing we can do (Other than "Care").
My Wife is 51, and has been exhibiting signs of menopause for the last few years. The monthly visitor has been on and off, she's had a few hot flashes, and her moods are, lets just say....interesting. One minute I am the sweetest, cutest, most thoughtful little feller in the world, and in a few moments I am Satan's Spawn. I never know which one I am from moment to moment. I have researched this on-line, and am not encouraged. I am interested in the hormone patch, and would appreciate comments on it.
If I live through this it will be a miracle. I'm hanging on to Psalm 34:19. "Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all".
Just hope she doesn't kill me first.
Jim
I don't know if I'm glad or sad to see I'm not the 'Lone Ranger'
Pilgrim
US Veteran
Never use the word 'hormones.' Never suggest that it might be menopause. For some reason they all think that the problem is you, and not them or the hormones.
I went thru it for nearly 20 years, and even now that she's nearly 65, I wonder if some of the 'residuals' might still be lucking around in her. I"m not sure menopause ever completely ends.
Always remember the man's prayer:
"I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess."
I went thru it for nearly 20 years, and even now that she's nearly 65, I wonder if some of the 'residuals' might still be lucking around in her. I"m not sure menopause ever completely ends.
Always remember the man's prayer:
"I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess."
rburg
Member
And now I get to tell one of my long-winded stories. But its true, and just about as happened except I wasn't there for all the drama and excitement.
I have a buddy we'll call Wes (because that's his name). Things were going pretty good around his household. He had 2 beautiful daughters (spectacular to some) and while there was some screaming and such, find me a family with a wife and 2 daughters without it. The youngest was in high school and the oldest in college when the "change" started. His wife was never calm and quiet, but suddenly over a short time she became a screaming banshee. For no apparent reason, and it had come unpredictable. Then one day something set her off.
She was a holy terror and the 3 others were trapped. She was directing her venom at poor old Wes when the oldest daughter just got up from the couch, in one smooth and quick stroke, picked up her keys and purse and was out the door. With mother yelling and screaming for the neighborhood after her. Didn't help, she had a head start, got in her car and drove off. Old Wes and younger daughter kind of enjoyed the momentary relief.
But of course she came back inside and had her full "say" about nearly everything. Soon, like an hour or so, it was over. The oldest came home happy as always and acted as if nothing at all had happened. The others didn't dare mention or comment for fear of it starting back up. So life was OK or back to nervous normal for a few days. Then with no apparent starter, it began all over. But this time the oldest was up and gone much earlier, only listening to a couple of minutes before departing. And big surprise, the younger daughter was right behind her. Leaving poor Wes to shoulder the brunt of his wifes anger.
And right on que, the fit of rage went away and a while later the girls came back, happy as ever. So it wasn't many days before the next incident. But this time all 3 of them headed out. Oldest got in the drivers seat, youngest in the passengers seat, and Wes in the back seat. As they were pulling out the youngest looked at her dad and asked why he was going too. His response was there was no way he was sitting there and taking all that abuse alone. And the screaming mother was out on the porch at full volume, screaming at them, but making little or no sense at all. The girls were too young to go to a bar, so he directed them to a beer drive thru for a 6 pack. They went to a nearby park and polished it off.
Then they went home. Mother wasn't completely calmed down and it had been over an hour. The oldest took the lead on the conversation. She was a nursing student, and calmly told her mother she either went to a doctor, or the 3 of them were moving out! And that's how she got her prescription for what became known as her "happy pills".
My own calm and meek wife started it a few years after the above drama. But then I knew how to handle it. Walk out. But my boys were both out of the house, so there was no one left to absorb the fury. But I'm thinking Wes or one of his daughters gave my wife a friendly phone call.
And the real problem is they don't know themselves what starts it, or even that its taking place when it is. What is important to the OP and his poor son is that they understand its a hormone imbalance that causes the problems. For those who have never been subjected to that kind of behavior, its kind of scary the first few times. Until you understand what causes it and there really seems to be a prescription that will temporarily resolve it. Over time it seems to go away. Oh, and just a hint here: You're not allowed to break up laughing at them as they're screaming at you. It makes it worse. Just like screaming back at them.
If you wonder why the husbands occasionally just pack a bag and go fishing or hunting (or drinking), wait until its your turn being the target. Kind and understanding plays no role and doesn't help an unprovoked rage directed at you. It just try's your patience.
I have a buddy we'll call Wes (because that's his name). Things were going pretty good around his household. He had 2 beautiful daughters (spectacular to some) and while there was some screaming and such, find me a family with a wife and 2 daughters without it. The youngest was in high school and the oldest in college when the "change" started. His wife was never calm and quiet, but suddenly over a short time she became a screaming banshee. For no apparent reason, and it had come unpredictable. Then one day something set her off.
She was a holy terror and the 3 others were trapped. She was directing her venom at poor old Wes when the oldest daughter just got up from the couch, in one smooth and quick stroke, picked up her keys and purse and was out the door. With mother yelling and screaming for the neighborhood after her. Didn't help, she had a head start, got in her car and drove off. Old Wes and younger daughter kind of enjoyed the momentary relief.
But of course she came back inside and had her full "say" about nearly everything. Soon, like an hour or so, it was over. The oldest came home happy as always and acted as if nothing at all had happened. The others didn't dare mention or comment for fear of it starting back up. So life was OK or back to nervous normal for a few days. Then with no apparent starter, it began all over. But this time the oldest was up and gone much earlier, only listening to a couple of minutes before departing. And big surprise, the younger daughter was right behind her. Leaving poor Wes to shoulder the brunt of his wifes anger.
And right on que, the fit of rage went away and a while later the girls came back, happy as ever. So it wasn't many days before the next incident. But this time all 3 of them headed out. Oldest got in the drivers seat, youngest in the passengers seat, and Wes in the back seat. As they were pulling out the youngest looked at her dad and asked why he was going too. His response was there was no way he was sitting there and taking all that abuse alone. And the screaming mother was out on the porch at full volume, screaming at them, but making little or no sense at all. The girls were too young to go to a bar, so he directed them to a beer drive thru for a 6 pack. They went to a nearby park and polished it off.
Then they went home. Mother wasn't completely calmed down and it had been over an hour. The oldest took the lead on the conversation. She was a nursing student, and calmly told her mother she either went to a doctor, or the 3 of them were moving out! And that's how she got her prescription for what became known as her "happy pills".
My own calm and meek wife started it a few years after the above drama. But then I knew how to handle it. Walk out. But my boys were both out of the house, so there was no one left to absorb the fury. But I'm thinking Wes or one of his daughters gave my wife a friendly phone call.
And the real problem is they don't know themselves what starts it, or even that its taking place when it is. What is important to the OP and his poor son is that they understand its a hormone imbalance that causes the problems. For those who have never been subjected to that kind of behavior, its kind of scary the first few times. Until you understand what causes it and there really seems to be a prescription that will temporarily resolve it. Over time it seems to go away. Oh, and just a hint here: You're not allowed to break up laughing at them as they're screaming at you. It makes it worse. Just like screaming back at them.
If you wonder why the husbands occasionally just pack a bag and go fishing or hunting (or drinking), wait until its your turn being the target. Kind and understanding plays no role and doesn't help an unprovoked rage directed at you. It just try's your patience.
Women have a couple of hormonal things going on, one of them as soon as they experience puberty. My wife had her first PMS explosion when we were newly married and I was in the Army. I was up to my ears in heavy responsibility then as a new butter bar in a top secret job, and I just didn't need that then. It was in the dead of winter at night and snow was falling, but I simply got in the car and took a long drive to escape it. It took me an hour to return, and when I did she had calmed down and apologized.
The second instance was a couple of years later; I was out of the Army and in my first civilian job. She absolutely drove me out of the house with that explosion; I went out to the carport, back against the wall, just trying to get away from her, and thought that I'd made the biggest mistake of my life in marrying her. It was that bad. She quickly came to her senses and came out to assuage my shock and grief. I think that she then became aware that she had pushed me to the limit, and further instances of such behavior would cause a trainwreck in our marriage.
There were further blowups as she reached menopause, and the hot flashes caused a few fights over the thermostat setting, but nothing as serious as the PMS episodes.
Best thing to remember is that such stuff is normal - there IS a difference between men and women. Once a guy gets past the "it's always the husband's fault" principle and learns to roll with the punches, the going gets smoother. Just understand what's going on and accept that it will happen now and again. It's good if she can accept that some behavior is NOT acceptable and needs to change. I was fortunate that my wife was intelligent enough to figure that one out, and our marriage has been in good shape since that dawning.
And yes, I've been wrong a few times. I admit that.
John
The second instance was a couple of years later; I was out of the Army and in my first civilian job. She absolutely drove me out of the house with that explosion; I went out to the carport, back against the wall, just trying to get away from her, and thought that I'd made the biggest mistake of my life in marrying her. It was that bad. She quickly came to her senses and came out to assuage my shock and grief. I think that she then became aware that she had pushed me to the limit, and further instances of such behavior would cause a trainwreck in our marriage.
There were further blowups as she reached menopause, and the hot flashes caused a few fights over the thermostat setting, but nothing as serious as the PMS episodes.
Best thing to remember is that such stuff is normal - there IS a difference between men and women. Once a guy gets past the "it's always the husband's fault" principle and learns to roll with the punches, the going gets smoother. Just understand what's going on and accept that it will happen now and again. It's good if she can accept that some behavior is NOT acceptable and needs to change. I was fortunate that my wife was intelligent enough to figure that one out, and our marriage has been in good shape since that dawning.
And yes, I've been wrong a few times. I admit that.
John
captorquewrench
Member
I hear that eating pineapple changes the taste
If I believed in reincarnation, I'd ask you to marry me in my next life
JcMack
Member
Record some of her tirades on your phone or a small digital recorder. They recordings will come in handy at the divorce. Women don't put up with "middle age crazy" from men anymore. I wouldn't put up with this menopause baloney. A friend of mine took to sleeping on the couch with a night stick when the wife "paused". He was afraid the ol lady was gonna stick a knife in him after he went to sleep. He told me he wanted to get a couple of licks in before bled out. True story.
Straightshooter2
US Veteran
Due to a hysterectomy, menopause hit my wife like a ton of bricks. The doctors were giving her the hormone patches but she kept having problems with them not staying on which in turn kept her hormones out of whack. One week after the surgery was Thanksgiving and I was a total monster because I would not drive her from Jacksonville to Atlanta (with her laying down in the back seat) so she could see her family. Doctors orders were no traveling for at least 4 weeks. I understood the term split personality then because one minute she was so sweet you could see the halo and 10 seconds later you could see the horns start growing. A couple of times I even had to grab her because I thought she was going to swing on me. But I just kept telling her I loved her, freely admitted that everything from the JFK assassination to Jimmy Hoffa disappearing was my fault and eventually we made it through all the rough stuff. It takes a lot of HARD work but it can be done.
CW
CW
jlrhiner
US Veteran
YOU have to stay involved with the Dr. The hormone patches (while I keep them on a small shrine in the basement) are not an instant fix. They MUST be balanced to her. This requires you to keep up and monitor her moods. Up 'em when you need to, and when she's sittin' in the corner like a grinnin' cat, walk VERY quietly and don't make eye contact.
Stay away from her take up fishing take your boy with ya. Take up drinking, get an MP3 and a good set of headphones, build a barn,take up gardening, hide all your firearms, Nothing you say or do will be right and to try to get into Satan's mind is a lose lose situation she'll snap out of it in a couple of years. And then and only then can you talk about it for a women to realize what is wrong and to come to terms with it while it is still full swing is unlikely.
I was asking my wife, 55, about this. I am surprised that there is so much drama, such temper tirades, associated with menopause. I think the onset has begun with my wife, based on her irregularity, but so far nothing like what is described here in this thread -- tantrums -- is happening.
My wife says that she thinks that women who are high strung tend to have these temper explosions and that those who are calmer by nature do not.
Anybody out there whose wife got through menopause without all this drama?
And I am glad to have read this thread so that I wil be prepared if my wife does have an adverse reaction, so to speak.
My wife says that she thinks that women who are high strung tend to have these temper explosions and that those who are calmer by nature do not.
Anybody out there whose wife got through menopause without all this drama?
And I am glad to have read this thread so that I wil be prepared if my wife does have an adverse reaction, so to speak.
venomballistics
Member
yup ... mine.
oh yeah you could sense the moody disturbance in the force but its her nature to keep herself in check.
Thanks, VB. That is good to hear.
Alcohol and a large house.
DeathGrip
US Veteran
I thought you were a little younger than most here. How old is your wife? .... If you don't mind me asking. I'm just trying to gain prospective.
Mine hasn't changed much in the 16 years we've been together. She's 51 and I'm 52.
geoff40
Member
It is different for every woman. Some get it bad, others not so much. It all about hormones really. And remember, hormones are incredibly powerful drugs of sorts, manufactured inside our own bodies.
When us guys were young teens, suddenly one day testosterone pretty much took over our lives. Embarrassing things happen to young teen boys when this happens, as we all probably can attest to. Things you have no control over. As the teen years go by, these events pass, not because the testosterone level in your body decreased, but because we adapted and learned how to cope with the levels of it in our bodies.
Now take the female of the species. She doesn't deal with a single hormone, like us males; she has to deal with several of them. First as a teen, like us. But then later on, when the change comes, she has to deal with decreasing levels of the same hormones-multiples again-in her body. And yeah, it can make them downright nutty. Its not fun to be in your shoes. Its not fun to be in her shoes either. No woman can learn how to deal with changing levels of these multiple hormones in a few months, and in fact the amounts of the hormones themselves might take a few years before they are finished changing, and thus going through the whole process. Its not a quick process.
Stevie, try to stay focused on, and remember who you married. You might not see her, but she is in there somewhere. Thats the person you must deal with. Wether she is raging at you, or happy, or somewhere in between, deal with the woman you married. Varying degrees of depression is also very common in women going through menopause. Treat her like the woman you married, even when she is at a bad moment, and raging. Try to make her feel good. Suggest going out. Bring home some flowers every week. Tell her that you love her.
What ever road she chooses, just support her as best you can. Her choice (denial stage right now, not an uncommon stage btw) will likely change as she transcends through this stage of her life. Remember, its not really her, its changing levels of multiple hormones in her body, and against such a foe a mortal man has little chance, if he uses some form of aggression against them. Watch your tongue!
Above all, the advice given about not doing or saying things that will be hard to cure is great advice. Remember who she is inside, the woman you said "I do" for. She will be back, in time.
Your son should understand all of this as well.
When us guys were young teens, suddenly one day testosterone pretty much took over our lives. Embarrassing things happen to young teen boys when this happens, as we all probably can attest to. Things you have no control over. As the teen years go by, these events pass, not because the testosterone level in your body decreased, but because we adapted and learned how to cope with the levels of it in our bodies.
Now take the female of the species. She doesn't deal with a single hormone, like us males; she has to deal with several of them. First as a teen, like us. But then later on, when the change comes, she has to deal with decreasing levels of the same hormones-multiples again-in her body. And yeah, it can make them downright nutty. Its not fun to be in your shoes. Its not fun to be in her shoes either. No woman can learn how to deal with changing levels of these multiple hormones in a few months, and in fact the amounts of the hormones themselves might take a few years before they are finished changing, and thus going through the whole process. Its not a quick process.
Stevie, try to stay focused on, and remember who you married. You might not see her, but she is in there somewhere. Thats the person you must deal with. Wether she is raging at you, or happy, or somewhere in between, deal with the woman you married. Varying degrees of depression is also very common in women going through menopause. Treat her like the woman you married, even when she is at a bad moment, and raging. Try to make her feel good. Suggest going out. Bring home some flowers every week. Tell her that you love her.
What ever road she chooses, just support her as best you can. Her choice (denial stage right now, not an uncommon stage btw) will likely change as she transcends through this stage of her life. Remember, its not really her, its changing levels of multiple hormones in her body, and against such a foe a mortal man has little chance, if he uses some form of aggression against them. Watch your tongue!
Above all, the advice given about not doing or saying things that will be hard to cure is great advice. Remember who she is inside, the woman you said "I do" for. She will be back, in time.
Your son should understand all of this as well.
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venomballistics
Member
no problem .. shes 50 and yeah Im a bit younger at the 40 mark ...
DeathGrip
US Veteran
So I guess neither of us are out of the woods yet. My wife is pretty levelheaded most of the time. 
I've noticed certain things are depressive to her and have to be careful to remember she's a long ways from Germany. Her Mom is all she has left. We both miss her Dad...Her Mom is crazy.
I've noticed certain things are depressive to her and have to be careful to remember she's a long ways from Germany. Her Mom is all she has left. We both miss her Dad...Her Mom is crazy.
I think that your wife is right. My wife had some physical manifestations that we believe were related to menopause, but basically no mental or emotional issues.
venomballistics
Member
So I guess neither of us are out of the woods yet. My wife is pretty levelheaded most of the time.
I've noticed certain things are depressive to her and have to be careful to remember she's a long ways from Germany. Her Mom is all she has left. We both miss her Dad...Her Mom is crazy.
she has neither left so I let her borrow mine
Her mother died of cancer last year, so Ive seen her under the influence of extraordinary stress. If I were to make an exception for blowing a gasket, that was it. Im quite proud of her for maintaining an exceptionally even keel.
Her mother was also nuts .. paranoid manic depressive. I believe that growing up with that issue forged her resolve not to become that what tormented her through youth.
Might be something to that. The girl is tougher than I'd ask of anyone
