More Clean Jokes

A very rich NY investor had a huge cattle ranch in South Texas.

This guy always had to have the best and bought a $300,000 breeding bull to improve the quality of his herd. The bull arrived at the ranch and the investor anxiously called his foreman the next day to learn of the bull's success with his "duties".

The foreman said, "I hate to tell you but your bull shows zero interest in 'the girls'".

The shocked investor immediately located the top bovine fertility veterinarian and had him flown by private jet to the ranch.

The next afternoon he called the foreman to learn the results of the vet's visit.

The foreman said, "It's amazing... the vet gave him a single spoon full of the syrup and your bull has serviced 25 cows this morning and 22 so far this afternoon... and it's only 3 o'clock!"

The investor said, "That is amazing... what in the world was in that syrup?"

The foreman said, "I'm not certain but it sorta tastes like peppermint."

(drum roll... cymbal crash!)
 
In Ireland, two men walk into a pub, and got to talking. One of them said "Did you go to school around here?" The other replies, "Sure, and it was the parochial school up the street, and later, I went to the University of Dublin."

The first guy says "That's amazing. Would you believe I went to those same two schools? How old are you, now?"

The other replies, "I'll be 32 on the 5th of this next month." To which the first guy says "I'm not believin' this! That happens to be my birthday, too!"

Another couple of guys was sitting near them and overheard the conversation. One says to the other, "Those are amazing coincidences." The other says "Ah, pay no attention to them, now. That's the O'Reilly twins. They're drunk again."

John
 
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in
the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager.
"The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of his life."
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.
"G'dye, myte!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than 'G'dye myte.')
On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting
in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
"How," said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the Chief.
 
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Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Ole replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
"Can you spell that for me?" the operator asked.

There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"
 
Ole and Lena was at the kitchen table for the usual morning cup of coffee and listening to a weather report coming from the radio.

"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. All vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of the streets today to facilitate snowplows," the radio voice declared.

"Oh, gosh, OK," said Ole, getting up, bundling up and heading outside to dutifully put his car on the odd-numbered side of the street.

Two days later, Ole and Lena were at morning coffee when the radio voice said:

"There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your vehicles on the even-numbered side of the streets."
Ole got up from his coffee as before. He bundled up, shuffled off, and put his car on the even-numbered side of the street.

A few days later, the couple was at the table when the radio voice declared:

"There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..." Just then, the power went out.

"Park it where?" Ole asked in the dark, "What should I do?"
"Aw, to heck with them, Ole," Lena said, "Don't worry about it today. Yust leave the car in the garage."
 
Texas

Sven and Ole are visiting a relative in Texas. Walking along the street, they see a sign on a store front which reads:

* Suits $5.00 each
* Shirts $2.00 each
* Trousers $2.50 per pair.

Sven says to his pal, "Hey Ole! LOOK! We could buy a whole lot of dem, and ven ve get back to Minnesota, ve could make a fortune. Now ven ve go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Yust let me do all da talkin' cause if dey hear our Minnesota accent dey might tink ve are dumb Norwegians and try to raise da price. But, I can speak with a perfect Texas drawl."

They go in and Sven drawls out an order for 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each.

The owner of the shop says, "You're Norwegians from Minnesota, aren't you?"

"Uff da!" says a surprised Sven. "How'd you know dat?"

The owner says, "Cause this is a dry-cleaners."
 
Ice Fishing

Ole and his buddy Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There's no fish under the ice."

Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, "There's no fish under the ice."

They both looked around and then looked up.

Ole said, "Tis tat you God?"

The voice spoke back, "No, the ice rink attendant."
 
A doctor goes into a bar and orders a walnut daquiri. Bartender asks what that is and is told it's just a regular daquiri with a walnut dropped in it. Well, the doctor becomes a regular there and the barkeep always says, "Walnut daquiri comin' up, Doc." Then one day the doctor goes to the bar and the bartender starts to make the drink and realizes he's out of walnuts. So, he just drops a hickory nut in it instead thinking ,what's the difference. He gives the drink to the doctor who looks at it and says, "What's this? I ordered a walnut daquiri!" The bartender says, "We're out of walnuts. That's a
hickory daquiri, Doc."
 
Three squaws gave birth. The first gave birth to a healthy baby boy on a wolf hide. The second gave birth to a healthy baby boy on a buffalo hide. The third gave birth to twin boys on a hippopotamus hide.

So the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.
 
A tourist stopped off at a small railroad station where, sitting by the side of the tracks, there were Indians selling their wares.
The tourist saw a blanket he liked very much, and was told that the price was a hundred dollars. The tourist offered fifty.
The Indian said, "Price is one hundred. Bargains like Manhattan
you no get anymore!"
 
At the State zoo the keeper at the dolphin tank was getting complaints the dolphins were molesting the women during the dolphin swims so he looked it up on the internet and found out by feeding them seagulls it would stop it.

So he goes to the beach and traps some seagulls and heads back to the zoo.

During his absence a lion escaped from the lion pen and was shot with a tranquilizer gun and it fell across the steps up to the dolphin tank.

The dolphin keeper carrying the bag of seagulls steps over the lion and proceeds up to the tank and was immediately arrested for..........

Transporting gulls across the State lion for immoral porpoises.
 
A newlywed couple chose to tour an Indian reservation on their honeymoon.  An old chief stood by one of the shops.  Every time the couple walked by him, he said, "Chance."  The wife asked her husband, "Did you hear that?  He keeps saying 'Chance.'  Shouldn't he greet us with 'How?'" The husband said, "If he says that again, just stop and ask him about his choice of greetings." 
 
As they walked by again, they heard "Chance."  The wife said, "Excuse me, but I have to ask you something.  Isn't 'How' the greeting of your people?  Why do you always say 'Chance?'"  

The old chief smiled and said, "Me know how, me want chance." 
 
Best Use of a Pumpkin Patch

John, a city slicker from Boston, bought a pumpkin patch. He thought that he could make more money from chickens than the previous owner made from pumpkins, so he went to a poultry farm and bought 50 chickens.

'50 is a lot of chickens for that little pumpkin patch,' commented the proprietor. 'I am used to big business' John replied.'

A week later John was back at the farm. 'I need another 50 chickens,' he said. 'Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,' the poultry farmer told him.

'Oh yes,' John replied. 'It' will be Ok if I can just iron out a few problems.' 'Problems?', asked the farmer. 'Yeah,' replied the John, 'I think I planted that first batch too close together.'




How to Grow

Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer. Alex a little boy of nine was playing ball in his yard; he saw the farmer and asked:

'What've you got in your trailer?'
'Manure,' farmer Smith replied.

'What are you going to do with it?' asked Alex.
'Put it on my pumpkins,' answered the farmer.

Alex replied, 'You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice-cream on our pumpkin pie.'
 
(This is a variation of a joke someone posted here once. Maybe it was already posted in this thread.)

A S&W Forum member was working in a liquor store one night when a customer pulls out a S&W and demands, "Alright, gimme all the cash or I'll plug ya'!!"
The store clerk says excitingly, "Hey, is that a pre-lock?!"
 
Three vampires walk into their favorite blood bar. The first vampire orders a blood. The second says, "I'll have a blood, too". The third orders a plasma. The waitress confirms the order...
"OK... so it's two bloods and a blood light."
Blood_LIght_4.jpg
 
Wyatt Burp said:
(This is a variation of a joke someone posted here once. Maybe it was already posted in this thread.)

A S&W Forum member was working in a liquor store one night when a customer pulls out a S&W and demands, "Alright, gimme all the cash or I'll plug ya'!!"
The store clerk says excitingly, "Hey, is that a pre-lock?!"
Click to expand...

Don't forget to ask if it has any MIM parts. :D

I'm going to have to remember this one.
 
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