When somebody'd say "how" to my Dad he usta say, "I know how, I just need to know when."
More Clean Jokes
- Thread starter Shooting Padre
- Start date
A bit off the topic, but some of these stories remind me of a true one, the time my buddy got married at the old stomping grounds of his youth, at a little Presbyterian church at a bend in the road overlooking Enemy Swim Lake in eastern South Dakota. My wife and I had ridden our motorcycles out from the Cities, but took one bike from our cabin over to the church.
We rolled up just as the priest was arriving. (I guess that "priest" would be the correct term, if it is true that "presbyter is but priest writ large".) He was a very distinguished-looking Indian, about six-two, with long salt-and-pepper gray braids and white robes.
My wife was wearing some black knee-length tights with her motorcycle boots and a black tank top. She has some long legs, and I have to say she looked good. She was throwing a leg over the back of the bike to dismount, just as the priest got out of his Cadillac. As he turned, he caught sight of her and in a booming baritone uttered just one word: "WOW".
We rolled up just as the priest was arriving. (I guess that "priest" would be the correct term, if it is true that "presbyter is but priest writ large".) He was a very distinguished-looking Indian, about six-two, with long salt-and-pepper gray braids and white robes.
My wife was wearing some black knee-length tights with her motorcycle boots and a black tank top. She has some long legs, and I have to say she looked good. She was throwing a leg over the back of the bike to dismount, just as the priest got out of his Cadillac. As he turned, he caught sight of her and in a booming baritone uttered just one word: "WOW".
G.T. Smith
US Veteran
A detective wanted to hire an assistant so he ran an ad in the paper. The next day three blondes showed up to be interviewed. He called the first one in and showed her a mug shot of a guy and asked her what she could tell about the man in the picture. She said that he only had one eye. The detective told her it was a profile picture and that he would be in touch.
The next one told him that he only had one ear and he told her the same thing.
The next one that came in and stated that she believed the man in the picture wore contact lenses. The detective looked in the records and sure enough the guy in the picture did in fact wear contacts. He then asked the blonde how she knew that from looking at the picture and she said, "Duh, he can't wear glasses".
Peace,
gordon
The next one told him that he only had one ear and he told her the same thing.
The next one that came in and stated that she believed the man in the picture wore contact lenses. The detective looked in the records and sure enough the guy in the picture did in fact wear contacts. He then asked the blonde how she knew that from looking at the picture and she said, "Duh, he can't wear glasses".
Peace,
gordon
Double-O-Dave
US Veteran
A young substitute school teacher was facing her first assignment - a classroom of 3rd graders when she realized she didn't have a lesson plan, or any learning activity planned. Thinking quickly, she faced her students and said: "Okay children, here's what I want you each to do: one at a time, I want you to stand up, tell us what your Mom or Dad does for a living, spell that job, and then give an example of what they would do if they were in class today."
Beth stood up first and said: "My father is a banker. Banker, B-a-n-k-e-r, Banker. If my father was in class today, he would give each student a new state quarter.
Hey, this could work, thought the teacher.
Next up was John, and he said: "My father is a baker. Baker, B-a-k-e-r, Baker. If my father was in class today, he would give everybody a cookie, or a cupcake."
Excellent, thought the teacher. This is really going to work!
Bubba was up next, and he said: "My daddy is a lectrician (electrician). lectrician, l-e-c-k" (the children started laughing at him). "No, let me start over...lectrician, l-e-k-k..." (more children start laughing at him). "Okay, Bubba", the teacher said. "Why don't you sit down a moment and think, and we'll come back to you. Okay?"
Bubba sits down, and Tommy stands up. Tommy said: "My old man is a bookie. Bookie, B-double O-k-i-e, Bookie. If he was here in class today, he'd lay 10 to 1 odds that ol' Bubba can't spell electrician."
Regards,
Dave
Beth stood up first and said: "My father is a banker. Banker, B-a-n-k-e-r, Banker. If my father was in class today, he would give each student a new state quarter.
Hey, this could work, thought the teacher.
Next up was John, and he said: "My father is a baker. Baker, B-a-k-e-r, Baker. If my father was in class today, he would give everybody a cookie, or a cupcake."
Excellent, thought the teacher. This is really going to work!
Bubba was up next, and he said: "My daddy is a lectrician (electrician). lectrician, l-e-c-k" (the children started laughing at him). "No, let me start over...lectrician, l-e-k-k..." (more children start laughing at him). "Okay, Bubba", the teacher said. "Why don't you sit down a moment and think, and we'll come back to you. Okay?"
Bubba sits down, and Tommy stands up. Tommy said: "My old man is a bookie. Bookie, B-double O-k-i-e, Bookie. If he was here in class today, he'd lay 10 to 1 odds that ol' Bubba can't spell electrician."
Regards,
Dave
This one has been around the block a few times:
Ad in local newspaper: Retired man looking for female companion who likes the outdoors. Must enjoy fishing, be willing to bait her own hook, and have "boat and motor". Please send "picture" of boat and motor.
Ad in local newspaper: Retired man looking for female companion who likes the outdoors. Must enjoy fishing, be willing to bait her own hook, and have "boat and motor". Please send "picture" of boat and motor.
williamlayton
Member
A political dignitary--you pick the party--was attending a meeting of american Indians.
As a tribute to his coming to the meeting they honered him with an indian name, Walking Eagle.
He talked about his commitment to the causes of the American Indian, how he had always favored them with his vote--so on and so forth for thirty minutes and bowed out because of a commitment at a fund raiser.
After the meeting a reporter spoke to the Chief of the tribe and asked how they had come of with the name "Walking Eagle ?"
They said it was because a walking eagle was too full of dung to fly.
Blessings
As a tribute to his coming to the meeting they honered him with an indian name, Walking Eagle.
He talked about his commitment to the causes of the American Indian, how he had always favored them with his vote--so on and so forth for thirty minutes and bowed out because of a commitment at a fund raiser.
After the meeting a reporter spoke to the Chief of the tribe and asked how they had come of with the name "Walking Eagle ?"
They said it was because a walking eagle was too full of dung to fly.
Blessings
ACORN
Member
A priest and a rabbi are sitting in the park enjoying the day and the priest asks
"Rabbi, I know your religion forbids you from eating pork, and I was wondering if you were ever tempted to try it?"
The rabbi answers "Once, years ago I was out of town for a conference and stopped into a diner for a cup of coffee. The man sitting next to me ordered a BLT. When the waitress brought it out it smelled so good. I figured no one knows me here, what could it hurt? So I ordered one too.
The priest just smiles and nods.
Then the rabbi asks the priest
"Father, I know your religion requires you to be celibate. I was wondering if you ever enjoyed the "company" of a woman?"
The priest replies "I was out of town at a seminar and stopped in a bar for a drink before going back to my room. I met a gorgeous red head there and one thing lead to another and we wound up in bed."
The rabbi nods and smiles and after a few moments says "It sure beats the hell out of a bacon sandwich don't it?"
"Rabbi, I know your religion forbids you from eating pork, and I was wondering if you were ever tempted to try it?"
The rabbi answers "Once, years ago I was out of town for a conference and stopped into a diner for a cup of coffee. The man sitting next to me ordered a BLT. When the waitress brought it out it smelled so good. I figured no one knows me here, what could it hurt? So I ordered one too.
The priest just smiles and nods.
Then the rabbi asks the priest
"Father, I know your religion requires you to be celibate. I was wondering if you ever enjoyed the "company" of a woman?"
The priest replies "I was out of town at a seminar and stopped in a bar for a drink before going back to my room. I met a gorgeous red head there and one thing lead to another and we wound up in bed."
The rabbi nods and smiles and after a few moments says "It sure beats the hell out of a bacon sandwich don't it?"
I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
An American Indian came to New York for the first time and
checked into a hotel. Tired from a long bus ride, he went right to his room. On the bed was a blanket. The Indian picked it up and walked down to the lobby.
Putting the blanket on the check-in-counter, he told the clerk,
"Last man in room leave overcoat."
checked into a hotel. Tired from a long bus ride, he went right to his room. On the bed was a blanket. The Indian picked it up and walked down to the lobby.
Putting the blanket on the check-in-counter, he told the clerk,
"Last man in room leave overcoat."
cussedemgun
Member
The priest's bicycle
The priest of a small town in Ireland went to the chief of police to report his bicycle stolen.
The chief explained he was very busy & would like some help in solving the crime.
"Next Sunday, base your sermon on the ten commandments & when you get to 'thou shall not steal', pause to look for a guilty looking individual. Let me know who it is & I'll go recover your bicycle" suggested the chief.
The following Monday the chief saw the priest riding thru town on his bike so he stopped to talk to him. "Must of made the guilty party feel so bad, they brought you back your bike" he observed.
"Well not exactly, you see when I got to 'thou shall not steal' no one looked guilty, so I went on & when I got to 'thou shall not commit adultery' I remembered where I left it.
The priest of a small town in Ireland went to the chief of police to report his bicycle stolen.
The chief explained he was very busy & would like some help in solving the crime.
"Next Sunday, base your sermon on the ten commandments & when you get to 'thou shall not steal', pause to look for a guilty looking individual. Let me know who it is & I'll go recover your bicycle" suggested the chief.
The following Monday the chief saw the priest riding thru town on his bike so he stopped to talk to him. "Must of made the guilty party feel so bad, they brought you back your bike" he observed.
"Well not exactly, you see when I got to 'thou shall not steal' no one looked guilty, so I went on & when I got to 'thou shall not commit adultery' I remembered where I left it.
Four Indian chiefs went into a restaurant for a bite.
The maitre d' asked, "Do you have a reservation?"
One Indian chief answered, "Certainly, in Arizona!"
The maitre d' asked, "Do you have a reservation?"
One Indian chief answered, "Certainly, in Arizona!"
SWIM COMPETITION
A Swedish woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The Frenchwoman came in first, the Englishwoman second. The Swede reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other two girls used dere arms."
A Swedish woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The Frenchwoman came in first, the Englishwoman second. The Swede reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other two girls used dere arms."
Norwegian man wants a job.
A Norwegian man wants a job, but the foreman doesn't want to hire him and decides to make the Norwegian pass a "math" test. "Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Norwegian says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Norwegian
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Norwegian stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Norwegian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each of the three trees and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog tame along and did his big job by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a tuurd, dirty tree and a tuurd, and dirty tree and a tuurd, which makes one hundred... So, when I start?!"
A Norwegian man wants a job, but the foreman doesn't want to hire him and decides to make the Norwegian pass a "math" test. "Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Norwegian says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Norwegian
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Norwegian stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Norwegian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each of the three trees and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog tame along and did his big job by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a tuurd, dirty tree and a tuurd, and dirty tree and a tuurd, which makes one hundred... So, when I start?!"
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As the Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding along towards the north,they spotted a war party of 50 Apaches coming at them.
They turned south and spotted a war party of 100 braves coming at them.
Then, they turned east and spotted a war party of 150 braves coming at them.
Finally, they turned west and spotted a war party of 200 braves coming at them.
The Lone Ranger turned to his friend and said, "Well, Tonto, this is the end, there's not much we can do."
Tonto looked back at the Lone Ranger, and replied, "What you mean WE, white man?"
They turned south and spotted a war party of 100 braves coming at them.
Then, they turned east and spotted a war party of 150 braves coming at them.
Finally, they turned west and spotted a war party of 200 braves coming at them.
The Lone Ranger turned to his friend and said, "Well, Tonto, this is the end, there's not much we can do."
Tonto looked back at the Lone Ranger, and replied, "What you mean WE, white man?"
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How does a Buddhist order a hot dog?
Make me one with everything.
Just pretend this is witty.
Make me one with everything.
Just pretend this is witty.
shouldazagged
Absent Comrade
gaucho1
Member
This particular joke was actually found in cave paintings next to "The Yellow River" by I.P.Freely........
