Chief Wiggum

[sipowicz]

As the lazy idiotic police chief on the Simpsons, he usually has some great lines...tonight was no exception. He's sitting in his radio car with Officer Lou and Homer zooms by...the radar reads 110 mph...Lou starts to go after him and Wiggum stops him...Lou asks why...Wiggum says, "anyone in that much of a hurry has no time for a ticket." Classic!

 

[BarbC]

That's what I once told a NJ state trooper who stopped me on the interstate and his first words were, "What's your hurry, pilgrim?" I said, "I'm TRYING to get to work!" He let me go with a warning to slow down.

Well, it was a long time ago.

 

[Iggy]

I stopped a feller one afternoon and asked the eternal question.

His response was "My wife's gonna get pregnant tonight and I'd kinda like to be there!"

What the hell, I had to give him and "O" for originality. Told him to drive careful and have fun.

 

[Aussie44]

Ken

 

[Jim Shugart]

A State Trooper pulled a guy for speeding. His response to 'the question' was, "My wife ran off with a State Trooper and when I saw you behind me, I thought you might be bringing her back".

Supposedly, he got off with a warning.

 

[wildfiresrozes]

"Book 'em Lou. One count of being a bear. And one count of being an accessory to being a bear."

 

[Mickey D]

That's what I once told a NJ state trooper who stopped me on the interstate and his first words were, "What's your hurry, pilgrim?" I said, "I'm TRYING to get to work!" He let me go with a warning to slow down.

Well, it was a long time ago.

Wimmin's have a knack for getting out of tickets.

 

[sipowicz]

Another good one was when he ran the police academy and the first day some guy yells out "When do we et our guns?" Wiggum tells him "you don't get a gun until you tell me your name." the guys screams, "you and your stinkin' rules." Then walks off.

"Lemmie tell you what I tell everyone who comes in here, the police are powerless to help you."

"You know, fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty."

"What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?" -- Chief Wiggum to Ralph who was going into his gun safe...

"Ok folks, back away nothin to see here... Oh my god a horrible plane wreck! Hey everybody crowd around, come on don't be shy crowd around."

"Ah jeez, can't you people take the law into your own hands?"

"See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya; otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free."

And don't forget Ralphie...

"Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever."
"You smell like dead bunnies"
"Yay, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!"
"My nose makes its own bubblegum"
"Your like my mommy after a box of wine"
"Help she's touching my SPECIAL area". (Marge touching Ralph's shoulder)
"You're King David! I love you 'cause you kill people."
"Your eyes need diapers"
"My daddy shoots people"

 

[peyton]

"What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries" is what I asked dear wife when she was digging around in my safe after christmas!!! She was looking for 32 long ammo, to compare price tags. She got a good deal on the ammo she bought me, lucky I keep the ammo separated by caliber!!

 

[feralmerril]

I used to work with a retired california highway patrol captain. (He joined my dept after he retired). He told me a story of haveing a partner that fell asleep on him. He passed a turnout where a guy was sleeping in his car, as his partner was also sleeping. He worked his way around and came up on the car again and hit the siren. His partner woke up and said whatcha got? He said this guy was doing 85. The partner got out, walked up to the car and got into it with the woke up "sleeper". He come back with his tail between his legs and the guy I knew said, nobody is going to sleep on me!

 

[Lt JL]

Cop stops a woman speeder. She trys to be all flirty and coy, saying "I thought policemen didn't give tickets to pretty girls".

Cop says "we don't. sign here"

 

[loutent]

Wiggum answers the phone during an office party:

"911? errr.... sorry lady, this is 912"

- enjoying the veal

 

[jkc]

Traffic cop to woman driver:

"Ma'am, it says here on your license that you're required to wear eyeglasses."

"But officer, I have contacts."

"I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."

 

[Lenshappy]

oy, vey...........

 

[nicky4968]

Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
Do you mean the revolver, sir?

(This is a S&W site, you know).

 

[sipowicz]

YouTube - The Simpsons - Gun Shop

 

[charlie sherrill]

Barb, I know exactly how you got out of that ticket. That was back when ya'll (you all in Pa.) were wearing those short skirts. Don't ask me how I know this.

 

[jj2am44]

Suposedly a true story--a young kid gets stopped by the state police and the trooper says to the kid-"I've been waiting on you all day, son." Kid says " I got here as fast as I could". Trooper let him go with a warning.

 

[Knightrider03m]

YouTube - The Simpsons - Gun Shop

I would kill you if I had my gun!

Yea well you don't.

:walks out:

LOL

 

[ContinentalOp]

An exchange I'd read about, to the best of my recollection...

Trooper: Ma'am, do you know how fast you were going?
Driver: I was just going with the flow of traffic.
Trooper: Ma'am, there was no one else on the road.
Driver: I was bored with the group I was driving with, so I was trying to catch up with another group of cars further up the road.

Driver got a warning.