Being as how this is the nearest thing I can find in my world to group therapy, I thought I'd share this with you guys and gals.
A bit of history. About 4 years ago we became acquainted with a fairly poor couple who do yard work for a meager living. They have done odd jobs such as trimming trees (never tall ones; I didn't want any potential responsibility for an accident) off and on for a number of years. When their landlord wouldn't let them keep a pit bull puppy, we volunteered to take him off their hands. Today we have Joe, the nicest and most affectionate dog we've ever had. Some of you have seen his picture here on the forum - the black and white dog with the big blue eyes.
Now from time to time, this couple has approached us for money to bail them out of financial difficulty. Both my wife and I have tried to help them out - sometimes they repaid us, and sometimes they didn't, but we chalk it up to personal charity.
However, about a month ago, the 75-year old guy of the duo fell out of a palm tree he was trimming, busted his knee and his left hand in the process.
They approached my wife for rent money and money to get them into the ER, which she gave them. Next thing you know, they are asking for transportation to the doctor (truck wouldn't run). Next, it's transportation to the grocery store. Next, it's helping them with getting food stamps and charity medical coverage. My wife willingly helped them. They were going to be evicted, and she gave them money for another month's rent. She's literally bent over backwards to these folks time after time, almost every day. Then the guy tried to hit her up for some money to buy booze, because his hand hurt so much. We've given them plenty of Tylenol for that purpose, but in his opinion beer works mo' better.
My wife has taken them to get dental care, and for every day for a month, they are virtually all that she's had on her mind. She can't sleep at night, and frets constantly that they will be evicted if they can't get to work again and earn a living. We've told the guy that he doesn't have to trim trees; he can mow lawns - we'll even buy him a lawn mower so he can. But no; common yard work would not be to his taste. His wife has about 1 1/2 years of college, and although she's no beauty at 55, she could get presentable and get some sort of job, even if it's packing groceries, but she's made no apparent effort to find employment. They've managed to avoid paying into social security so far in their lives, so there is no possibility of income enhancement from that source.
I've seen what this is doing to my wife; she's at her compassionate wit's end trying to think of other ways she can help them. She's now out over a thousand dollars with no end in sight. I've tried to talk turkey with her to make her realize that wittingly or unwittingly, these folks have become entirely dependent on her with no end in sight.
Finally, friends, aware of this situation, have tried to intervene and make her realize that the umbilical cord HAS to be cut, or we will soon have to declare them as dependents on our tax returns. A childhood friend of my wife's and a long-time confidant, told her point blank: Cut them off, or have John do it for you - this is no good for any of you - you are beside yourself trying to help, it's no good for your marriage, and it's no good for them. There's a reason they post signs in national parks not to feed the animals - they get to be dependent on humans until they can no longer fend for themselves. Same principle. These folks need to take personal responsibility for their situation, and pronto.
My wife told me of the conversation with her friend, and I was glad, even relieved, to step in. I told the couple that my wife had bent over backwards for them with no end in sight. She can't sleep, and is near tears every day over their plight. She's gone from home almost every day driving them around from post to post trying to get them charitable help. And I told them simply that this is all stopping. Right now. We care for them, but they have to cut the cord that attaches them to my wife. We've found out from their landlord that they have sponged off of other folks as well - it's become a way of life, almost, for them. I was nice to them, but very firm that as of today, it all comes to a roaring halt. I love my wife dearly, and I hate to see how this is all affecting her.
To their credit, they accepted what I had to say. We parted cordially, and I hope my firm, tactful way of saying "enough" will shut this whole thing down.
But still, I wonder if I did the right thing. Opinions?
John
A bit of history. About 4 years ago we became acquainted with a fairly poor couple who do yard work for a meager living. They have done odd jobs such as trimming trees (never tall ones; I didn't want any potential responsibility for an accident) off and on for a number of years. When their landlord wouldn't let them keep a pit bull puppy, we volunteered to take him off their hands. Today we have Joe, the nicest and most affectionate dog we've ever had. Some of you have seen his picture here on the forum - the black and white dog with the big blue eyes.
Now from time to time, this couple has approached us for money to bail them out of financial difficulty. Both my wife and I have tried to help them out - sometimes they repaid us, and sometimes they didn't, but we chalk it up to personal charity.
However, about a month ago, the 75-year old guy of the duo fell out of a palm tree he was trimming, busted his knee and his left hand in the process.
They approached my wife for rent money and money to get them into the ER, which she gave them. Next thing you know, they are asking for transportation to the doctor (truck wouldn't run). Next, it's transportation to the grocery store. Next, it's helping them with getting food stamps and charity medical coverage. My wife willingly helped them. They were going to be evicted, and she gave them money for another month's rent. She's literally bent over backwards to these folks time after time, almost every day. Then the guy tried to hit her up for some money to buy booze, because his hand hurt so much. We've given them plenty of Tylenol for that purpose, but in his opinion beer works mo' better.
My wife has taken them to get dental care, and for every day for a month, they are virtually all that she's had on her mind. She can't sleep at night, and frets constantly that they will be evicted if they can't get to work again and earn a living. We've told the guy that he doesn't have to trim trees; he can mow lawns - we'll even buy him a lawn mower so he can. But no; common yard work would not be to his taste. His wife has about 1 1/2 years of college, and although she's no beauty at 55, she could get presentable and get some sort of job, even if it's packing groceries, but she's made no apparent effort to find employment. They've managed to avoid paying into social security so far in their lives, so there is no possibility of income enhancement from that source.
I've seen what this is doing to my wife; she's at her compassionate wit's end trying to think of other ways she can help them. She's now out over a thousand dollars with no end in sight. I've tried to talk turkey with her to make her realize that wittingly or unwittingly, these folks have become entirely dependent on her with no end in sight.
Finally, friends, aware of this situation, have tried to intervene and make her realize that the umbilical cord HAS to be cut, or we will soon have to declare them as dependents on our tax returns. A childhood friend of my wife's and a long-time confidant, told her point blank: Cut them off, or have John do it for you - this is no good for any of you - you are beside yourself trying to help, it's no good for your marriage, and it's no good for them. There's a reason they post signs in national parks not to feed the animals - they get to be dependent on humans until they can no longer fend for themselves. Same principle. These folks need to take personal responsibility for their situation, and pronto.
My wife told me of the conversation with her friend, and I was glad, even relieved, to step in. I told the couple that my wife had bent over backwards for them with no end in sight. She can't sleep, and is near tears every day over their plight. She's gone from home almost every day driving them around from post to post trying to get them charitable help. And I told them simply that this is all stopping. Right now. We care for them, but they have to cut the cord that attaches them to my wife. We've found out from their landlord that they have sponged off of other folks as well - it's become a way of life, almost, for them. I was nice to them, but very firm that as of today, it all comes to a roaring halt. I love my wife dearly, and I hate to see how this is all affecting her.
To their credit, they accepted what I had to say. We parted cordially, and I hope my firm, tactful way of saying "enough" will shut this whole thing down.
But still, I wonder if I did the right thing. Opinions?
John
I pray that this couple find the assistance they need , without taking undue advantage for what it was intended for the good of the needy?
