joke of the day

A new fellow in town went to the golf club, and met some guys who'd just finished their round. Couple of beers and they were ready to break up, the regulars invited the new chap to come play, as one of their regular foursome was being transferred.
He was delighted and accepted enthusiastically, but said "I might be 15 minutes late." The regulars assured him it was no problem.
The next day, the new guy was right on time and shot a marvelous game.
The tee time was set again for Saturday, and the new fellow said "I might be 15 minutes late." No problem, he was assured that his skills were well worth any inconvenience, and he was indeed a likable guy.
Saturday came, the new man was on time and , played another very impressive round, including a hole in one and two eagles.
The group decided to play again Sunday, and the new fellow said "I might be..." "Hold it!" Interrupted his partner, "didn't you play left handed today?"

"Why, yes, I did." said new guy.
"But you played right handed last week..."
"Well, said the new fellow.... "If my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right handed, and I always win....If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed, and I always win."
The inquisitive partner asked "But what if she's sleeping on her back?"
The new fellow smiled shyly and said...

"Then I'll be 15 minutes late."
 
Campaigning vs. Voting

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"

"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?!" says the politician. "Those are the rules," replies St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears. He awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?

"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!" Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks.

"Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!"

"Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks.

Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit misrepresented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..."

Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course.

"It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question.

So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him.

Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked. As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging bread sticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After hours of passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... and is woken up by St Peter.

"So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then," says St Peter. "You can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on."

"Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell," says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"

"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted."
 
Wife takes husband to her High School reunion.

There's a guy on the dance floor break dancing, moon walking, back
flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy… 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!
 
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a ******* lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a ******* lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
 
Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back inplay, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden? POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'

Then POOF!... she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the ***** willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!!!
 
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker dude steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
Feeling guilty, the biker says, "Come on, man, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man.....and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me.....how are you feeling?"
 
shouldazagged said:
A priest, a rabbi, a televangelist, an electrician, three nuns, a llama, two deputy sheriffs, a bear, a zebra, five clowns, twenty-two gerbils and Jerry Springer walk into a bar.

Write your own punchline. I got you this far.
Click to expand...

The bartender says "What do you think this is - a Jerry Springer show?"
 
Password pet peeve
 

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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy...
level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll
be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this **** but me."
 
An American pilot was shot down over enemy held territory and taken
prisoner. The prison camp commander said the war will soon be coming
to an end so instead of killing the prisoner we will have some fun with
him. They brought the pilot to the camp commander.

The commander said you see behind you there are three huts.
In the first hut you will find six bottles of vodka. You must drink all
of it in an hour.

Then if your able, you must go to the second hut where you will find
a tiger with a terrible toothache. Because of it, the tiger hasn't eaten
for three days. your job is to extract the sore tooth with you bare hands.
Again, you will have one hour.

Then, if able you may go to hut three. There you will find an exquisitely
beautiful young lady who has never been made love to. Again, you will
have one hour.

If you complete all three assignments you will be free to go.

The pilot rushes off to the first hut. About every 10 minutes an
empty bottle comes flying out the door of the hut. In less than an
hour he comes out with a big grin on his face and goes to the second
hut.

The tiger lets out a tremendous roar and continues to roar for nearly
an hour, but finally it gets quiet except you could hear the tiger purring.


The pilot stumble out of the hut, blood all over his face and uniform.
He walks up to the commander and offers a shaky salute and says
All right, now where is that girl with the toothache?
 
Little girl of 9 years goes to drug store and asks for 3 boxes of tampons.
Druggist in amazement asks, "Are these for you?"
"no", she answers. "They are for my brother".
Druggist exclaims, "Your brother?"
"yes" she says. " The ad says you can swim, dance and bathe with them and
my brother dont do any now".
Jim
 
This actually happened to me last year.


Just before last Christmas, I was at the ice skating rink and noticed a lady fighting with her screaming daughter, who didn't want to stop skating. Having white hair, a full white beard and am rather rotund, I approached the lady and asked the name of the screaming child. She replied, "Mary." I said, "I'm calling my brother at the North Pole tonight and have Mary put on the 'bad girl' list." Mary became totally silent and stopped fighting with her mother, permitting the removal of skates. The mother was beaming as she left with the totally docile child.

My wife said that I gave that child 5 years of therapy!
 
Life has its moments of humor:
Dealing with SBA for a 1 1/4% loan (to make up the difference in my insurance payout versus costs of hurricane damage repair) the nice lady told me that the money MUST be spent only on repairs. She actually said "No trips to Vegas for you." I said I didn't gamble.
"No vacation in Paris, then" I said I only travelled for work.

"Not even Disney World?" she asked, I said nope.....
That lady signed the closing paperwork and says (with a wink)

"Shoot, you're no fun at ALL!"

I said, "well..... I am a bachelor...and I live right down the street..."

She said "Oh lordy, take these papers and get outta here right now!"
 
Farmer Schmidt was driving on the PA Turnpike when his truck was sideswiped by a large semi-truck. He decided to sue the trucking company.

The case went to trial. The trucking company (the defendant) was represented by a Philadelphia lawyer, all decked out in his $300.00 shoes and $800.00 suit. During the trial, the Philadelphia lawyer was cross-examining Mr. Schmidt (the plaintiff). The lawyer asked,"Mr. Schmidt, is it true that at the time of the alleged accident, when the attending State Trooper asked you about your condition, you replied, 'I'm fine.'?"

Mr. Schmidt replied, "Let me explain what happened . . ."

The lawyer interrupted, "Mr. Schmidt, you are not being responsive to my question. Again, is it true that at the time of the alleged accident, when the attending State Trooper asked you about your condition, you replied, 'I'm fine.'?"

Again, Mr. Schmidt replied, "Let me explain what happened . . ."

At this point, the Philadelphia lawyer blew a gasket. He shouted to the judge, "Your Honor, the plaintiff is being unresponsive to my question. He is trying to perpetrate a fraud upon my client and this Court. I am prepared to produce the attending State Trooper, and he will testify that when he asked the plaintiff about his condition, the plaintiff replied 'I'm fine."

By this time, the judge is becoming intrigued about what happened. So the judge said, "Mr. Schmidt, please tell us in your own words what happened."

Mr. Schmidt related, "Well Judge, I was driving my pickup truck on the Turnpike and pulling a trailer carrying my favorite mule, Maude. When that big truck hit me, the trailer broke off and went off one side of the road and my truck went off the other side. I was sitting there in my pickup truck and I could hear Maude carrying on and bawling on the other side of the road. Then I saw the police car come with its lights flashing, and the policeman got out and went over to where Maude was. Then I heard a shot, and Maude quit bawling. Then the policeman came over to me with his gun still smoking in his hand and said, 'Sir, your mule was in pretty bad shape, so I had to shoot it. How are you feeling?'"
 
The old country western singing star Eddy Arnold was known to be frugal.
He was undoubtedly a millionaire many times over, but he still only bought
used cars. He even mowed his own lawn.

One day he was mowing the front lawn and a lady stopped her car and
called him over to the car. She said young man I live right up the street
and my yard is just about the same size as this one. What would you
charge me to mow it?

After thinking briefly Eddy said Well Mam, the lady who lives here
lets me sleep with her.
 
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: -

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

"An ambulance just drove by!" -

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. -

"Matt's riding a new bike!" -

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!" -

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out... "How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
 
This'll sound familiar!

A couple are in a busy shopping center before Christmas.

The wife suddenly notices that her husband was missing and since they had a lot of shopping to do, she decided to call him on his cell phone.

When he answers, the wife says, "Where are you? You know we have a lot to do."

He says, "You know that little jewelry store we went into about ten years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace?"
"I couldn't afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Well, little tears started to run down her cheeks, and she got all choked up...

"Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well," he says, "I'm in the gun shop next door."
 
Three sons were always trying to outdo each other with Christmas gifts
for their Mother.

Son #1 bought his Mom a very nice mink stole for 5 Grand.

Son #2 bought his Mom a diamond necklace $7,500

Son #3 Thought and searched and finally found the gift he was sure
would outdo the other 2 sons. A minah bird that could speak three
languages fluently.

Christmas morning Son # 1 called Mom asking how she liked the gift
he sent. She said Oh it's very nice and warm too.

Son #2 called. Mom said The necklace is just beautiful, I will wear it
with great pride.

Son #3 called. How did you like the bird Mom? It was just delicious,
said Mom.
 
crazyphil said:
Three sons were always trying to outdo each other with Christmas gifts
for their Mother.

Son #1 bought his Mom a very nice mink stole for 5 Grand.

Son #2 bought his Mom a diamond necklace $7,500

Son #3 Thought and searched and finally found the gift he was sure
would outdo the other 2 sons. A minah bird that could speak three
languages fluently.

Christmas morning Son # 1 called Mom asking how she liked the gift
he sent. She said Oh it's very nice and warm too.

Son #2 called. Mom said The necklace is just beautiful, I will wear it
with great pride.

Son #3 called. How did you like the bird Mom? It was just delicious,
said Mom.
Click to expand...


#3 say's "but Mom! That bird spoke three languages! How could you eat it ?!?"


"Well, if it was so smart why didn't it say something?"
 
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