More Clean Jokes

When the new school year started the history teacher was so excited because there were three little Indian boys in her class.
She was beside herself with excitement. So she asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knows this.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest and takes his fist and hits it on his chest.
He says in a booming voice, "I am a Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee".
The teacher says very good and asks the next little Indian boy to stand. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest, takes his fist and hits it on his chest.
He says in a booming voice, "I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land. So, I know I am a Comanche".
The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little Indian boy to stand up. The little boy stands up and
proudly throws out his chest, takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice, "I am a Heckawee."
The teacher looks dumb founded. She says, "I don't think there
is any such tribe as the Heckawee."
The little boy says, "My Father and I walked for many days and many nights. And many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally,one day my Father stops and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looks around. "He said hmm, where the Heckawee."
 
snubbyfan said:
When the new school year started the history teacher was so excited because there were three little Indian boys in her class.
She was beside herself with excitement. So she asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knows this.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest and takes his fist and hits it on his chest.
He says in a booming voice, "I am a Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee".
The teacher says very good and asks the next little Indian boy to stand. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest, takes his fist and hits it on his chest.
He says in a booming voice, "I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land. So, I know I am a Comanche".
The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little Indian boy to stand up. The little boy stands up and
proudly throws out his chest, takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice, "I am a Heckawee."
The teacher looks dumb founded. She says, "I don't think there
is any such tribe as the Heckawee."
The little boy says, "My Father and I walked for many days and many nights. And many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally,one day my Father stops and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looks around. "He said hmm, where the Heckawee."
Click to expand...

That joke has to be over 40 years old, it is how the Indian tribe on F Troop got its name!
 
A man disillusioned and disappointed with life decided to join a monastery. Along with vows of celibacy, and poverty, the monks had to take a vow of silence, and they were permitted to speak only two words every 5 years, and only in the presence of the head monk.

After the first 5 years, the new monk visited the cell of the head monk. Once there, and seated in front of the head monk, he said: "Bed, hard". Thus concluded the meeting.

Another 5 years pass, and the monk again visits the cell of the head monk. After seating himself in front of the head monk, he said: "Room, cold". Thus concluded the 2nd meeting.

Another 5 years pass, and the monk visits the cell of the head monk. This time, the monk said: "Food, bad", and thus concluded their 3rd meeting.

Another 5 years pass, and the monk again visits the cell of the head monk. This time, the monk said: "I QUIT!" The head monk sighed, and then said: "Well, it doesn't surprise me one bit. After all, you've been here 20 years and it's been nothing from you but complain, complain, complain."


Regards,

Dave
 
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Washington. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago."

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be truly disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

An 80-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
 
This one has been around a while too.............not meant to coincide with recent elections. Just thought it might give a chuckle or two. :)


A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, D.C. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocked on the window.

The driver rolled down the window and asked, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire U.S. Congress / Senate and White House staff, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asked.

The man replied, "About five gallons."
 
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Blonde Joke ...

Here's a blonde's account about her window replacement ...

"So last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. OMG! Hellloooo??,... Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm like automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year – that these windows would like pay for themselves in a year. Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're, like, paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot." 
 
The teacher asks her class
"Who said "Give me liberty or give me death"?"
No one answers until a little Japanese boy raises his hand and says "Patrick Henry 1775"
Very good says the teacher.
"Now what speech begins with "Four score and seven years ago"?
Again stone silence until the same Japanese boy replies "Abraham Lincolns Gettysburg Address 1863"
Excellent says the teacher.
She then tells the class "You should all take lesson from this boy. He came here from another country, learned our language and learned our history and knows it better than all of you. You should be ashamed!"
A boy in the back of the room hollers "%#?! those Japs"
The teacher asks "Who said that?"
The Japanese boy raises his hand and answers "Harry Truman 1945"
 
Alright, I can't help it, some things just seem to happen by themselves.
A Indian election day joke.

It was election time and the politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote.
They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.
The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.
"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!".
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
 
The traveling circus was in a little Irish town and one of the performers decides that being its Saturday, she go to the local church for Confession. After hearing her sins the old priest asks the young woman if she is a local girl.
No Father. I am an acrobatic dancer with the circus.
Acrobatic dancer? What's an acrobatic dancer ask the priest?
Well Father, I do cart-wheels, back flips and other acrobatic things to music.
The old priest says I don't understand any of this my daughter
The girls says
It's probably easier to show you than to explain Father
and leaves the confessional and starts doing somersaults and back flips and tumbling while singing as the priest watched
Meanwhile 2 old Irish widows are watching too while waiting their turn to confess
Oh my goodness, do you see what the Father is giving for Penance today? Says the first
Aye says the second. And what a day for me to not be wearing any bloomers!
 
A little boy came home from school and his mother asked him how his day went and he said "Mom I got in trouble for something I didn't do today." The mother got upset and replied "That awful I'm calling the principle and we'll straighten this out! What did you get blamed for?" The boy answered "My homework." :D
 
snubbyfan said:
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
Click to expand...

Nice one, Snub. I haven't heard that joke in many years!:D:D
 
Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard.

"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while . . . we're gonna build a barn."
 
I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey are you two ladies from Scotland?"

...One of them screamed back at me, "It's Wales you stupid IDIOT!

So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's all I remember...!
 
Seamus walked into Donovan's pub all beat up, bruised with his arm in a sling.

Donovan said "Oh my God, Seamus, what happened to you?"

Seamus said "I was in a fight with Paddy O'Reilly."

Donovan said "What happened?"

Seamus said "I was standing there with my hand on Mrs. O'Reilly's breast and Paddy O'Reilly came up from behind and attacked me with his shovel."

Donavan said "But Paddy O'Reilly is such a little fellow, how did he get the best of you?"

Seamus said "Although Mrs. O'Reilly's breast is a beautiful thing I found it was totally useless in a fight."
 
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