Puns...

[LouisianaJoe]

Another favorite.

A scientist was trying to develop an elixir that would extend life indefinitely. He used the bodies of new born sea gulls to create the elixir. He tested the elixir on dauphins. He went to the beach where he obtained a new supply of new born sea gulls. Nearby a lion escaped from the state zoo. On the way back to the lab the scientist ran over the lion.

He was arrested for transporting young gulls across the state lion for immortal porpoises.

 

[DeadAye]

My wife is a member of a ladies social club (Inter Se) and last night was their annual *Joke Night*.
I printed up the OP puns for her and she said that they were The Hit of the meeting.
Nice going - You made some little old ladies happy - as well as us

 

[CAJUNLAWYER]

The only pun that comes to mind is one involving Einstein and his theory of relative ---------- which if I posted in it's entireity would get me spanked.

 

[keith44spl]

After the first nite, he said,"Nothing is better than you!"



After last nite, he said,"Nothing, is better than you!"

 

[TACC1]

Pure Pun-dom

Laughing and groaning at the same time...excellent!!
TACC1

 

[BUFF]

The owner of a Smith & Wesson revolver is in the envious positioin of having archaic and eating it, too.

 

[Evil Dog]

I was really having trouble trying to figure out the perfect way to serve part of the holiday meal. Then I remembed Julia Childs singing "There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise".

 

[FirebirdV8]

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

And for my favorite:
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

 

[moonclip]

How about a visual..............

......moon

 

[LHS]

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

This one really makes us think.....

 

[Double-O-Dave]

In the olden days, there existed a small monastery housing some monks. The monks were avid gardeners, and all was well until they started growing exotic, carnivorous plants. Soon, some of the children from the town outside the monastery were missing. It didn't take the townspeople long to figure out that the plants were eating the children. The problem was that no one in the town was brave enough, or strong enough to stop the monks. That is, until they decided to ask the blacksmith, Hugh for his help. Hugh picked up his hammers and went to the monastery. He broke down the walls and burned all of the troublesome plants. The morale...Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Regards,

Dave

 

[RobertJ.]

The squadron captain, who was quite the practical joker, de-briefed the young pilot.

 

[hoppes-no9]

Can't remember if I posted this one before:

An attractive young lady walked into a bar and ordered a Double Entendre, so the bartender gave it to her.

Yeah, it's subtle.

Here's one a little more obvious:

Did you hear about the new bar that opened on the Moon?
.
.
.
.
.
Great drinks, but no atmosphere.

 

[cussedemgun]

A termite walked into a bar & asked "is the bar tender here?"

 

[LHS]

Pirate walked into a bar with a paper towel on his head. When asked about it, he replied:


"Arrgggh! I've got a bounty on me head!"

(Not really a pun but one of my favorites.)

 

[OFT II]

A three legged dog walked into a saloon and said "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw".

 

[Chik a Boom]

Pirate walked into a bar with a paper towel on his head. When asked about it, he replied:


"Arrgggh! I've got a bounty on me head!"

(Not really a pun but one of my favorites.)

You can clean up with that one.

 

[686fan]

Newspaper headline: " Dyslexia For Cure Found".

 

[LHS]

What's the loneliest bayou in Louisiana?

Bayou Self...

 

[G-Mac]

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

Was he sitting next to Sir Cumcision? That guy was a real cut up.