Puns...

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got into them I'll never know.

I opened the door in my pyjamas. Strange place to have a door.

Some years ago the vatican were considering whether catholics should be allowed to take the contraceptive pill. They concluded in a lengthy document that it was against the churches teachings. The pope concurred with the findings and circulated the document throughout the church as a papal encyclical.

Name of the document? The Pill's Grim Progress
 
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Trucker arrested...


This week in PA a trucker was driving down the interstate hauling gasoline. He had been filling service stations tanks and was returning back to home base. While off loading fuel some of the gas got on his clothing.

He was on the freeway when he lit up a cigarette. His left arm caught fire and he was in a bunch of pain. He started swerving all over the road and he finally put his arm outside the window to try and let the air blow the fire out. The increased airflow caused the arm to burn even more and the guy frantically waved his burning arm about.

A PA State trooper just happened to be going the other way and flipped a U-turn and caught up with the truck.

The officer pulled the truck over and helped extinguish the blaze.














He then arrested the trucker for brandishing a fire arm. HA HA.
 
...and then there was the case of the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac....
yup, stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?
 
...and then there was the case of the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac....
yup, stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

Beat you to it on 7/11

And from may years ago:

People in glass houses shouldn't throw parties

Pimp - a snatch purser

Transistor - the girl who used to be your brother
 
Story told to me as a truism by my Dad:
During WW2 Churchill visited the U.S. and stayed at the White House. On night President Roosevelt couldn't sleep and was crusing the halls of the
white House in his wheelchair. Seeing Sir Winston exiting Eleanor's room he eyed the Prime Minister and said," I'll have no more of that!!" to which the Prime Minister supposedly replied, " Neither will I !!!!"
 
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In Las Vegas there are as many church's as casinos,and sometimes the collection plates are full of gambling chips.
The church send these to a monastery high in the mountains of Colorado, where the chips are sorted,counted and credited to the proper church.
The monks who do this work are refered to as "The..CHIP ...monks
 
My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.

My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
 
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