Puns...

[LHS]

A sandwich walks into the bar and the bartender says....
"We don't serve food in here"

A man with jumper cables walks in the bar and orders a drink,,,
The bartender says "OK, but you're not starting anything in here......

A Giraffe walks into a bar and says "hey everybody, the highballs are on me!"
Grasshopper walks into a bar ... plops down on a stool ... bartender says "hey, we gotta drink named after you!", the Grasshopper say "You gotta drink named Bob???".

A Horse Walks up to the Bar... and the Bartender Says..
Why the long Face?

An Irishman walks out of a bar.... What, it could happen.

A rope goes into a bar, the bartender says "We don't serve ropes here".

The rope goes outside, twists himself into a pretzel shape and pulls his ends apart, then goes back inside.

The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that rope I just kicked out of here?"

The rope says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

 

[LHS]

A man walks into a bar. It hurt.

Two guys walk into a bar, ya think the second one would have ducked.

 

[LHS]

A pig walks into a bar, slaps a buck on the bar and says "barkeep give me a beer". The pig chugs the beer down and says barkeep "where's the little piggies room?" Barkeep says "end of the bar make a left," off trots the pig.

Another pig comes in the bar, same thing happens.

This goes on four time with the same results.

In comes another pig and orders a beer and chugs in down, then just sits there. The bar keeper says "Hey ain't you going to ask me where the bath room is at, just like all those other pigs?"

Pig say "No."

Bar keep ask "Why not?"

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--

=

The Pig replies "cause I'm the little piggy that goes wee wee wee all the way home!"

 

[686fan]

Mr. Oppernockity tuned pianos for a living. A woman called him & said that her piano needed tuning. He went to her house & tuned her piano. She paid him & he left. Several days later, she called him again. She was furious. She said that her piano was out of tune again, and she demanded that he come back immediately & re-tune her piano, and she wasn't going to pay him for coming back.

His response? "Sorry lady, Oppernockity only tunes once".

 

[PALADIN85020]

Guy walks in to a bar, sits down, has a drink.

He hears a voice saying "Nice tie." Looks around, sees no one near.

Same voice then says "I like your haircut." Same deal, no one's near.

Same voice says "You have a nice jacket." This perplexes him, so calls the bartender over. He tells the bartender what's been happening.

The bartender says "It's the salted peanuts there," pointing to a small bowl of them in front of the patron.

The guy says, "Really?"

The bartender says, "Yes, of course. They're complimentary."

 

[P&R Fan]

There was a pitcher for the Yankees named Mel Famey. When he came up to the big leagues he was a fantastic control pitcher, could put the ball anywhere he wanted. He was really good for a couple years but developed a drinking problem. The team sent him to re-hab and he dried out.
That year the team went to the World Series. It was game seven and they had used every pitcher but Mel as it had gone extra innings. They brought him in in the bottom of the 20th inning, the score tied .He got the first two batters out, and it started to rain.There was a delay, and Mel went in the bullpen. He was nervous, the game is in his hands. He hears a beer vendor and summons him over, drinks 3 or 4 beers,feels better. Game starts, he goes out and walks the next three batters to load the bases. Pitching coach comes out, calms him down, Mel says he's fine. But then he walks in the winning run on four pitches, National League team wins (Cubbies BTW). The Cubs are celebrating and when they leave the field they pass the bullpen. One looks over, sees beer cans and asks another player what that is. Player looks and says................"That's the beer that made Mel Famey walk us".

 

[john4970]

The TV repairman got married. The service was ok, but the reception was Great!

 

[John Ross]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink pig. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

[anglaispierre]

Three pensioners, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

The third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."


Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Sparrows like breadcrumbs, **** like melons.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.

Dockyard: A physician's garden.

Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

Oboe: An English tramp.

Pasteurize: Too far to see.

Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

If marriage is an institution, who wants to spent the rest of their life in an institution?

Then there was the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who lay awake at night wondering if there really was a Dog.

Graffiti: Dyslexia lures, KO

Two dyslexic skiers on the piste discussing whether turning one way then the other was a Zig-Zag or a Zag-Zig when another person arrived, so they asked his opinion.
"Don't know", he said. "I'm a tobogganist".
"In that case, can I have a pack of 20 Marlboro" one replied.

 

[Wyatt Burp]

I made this up. You ready?
uh hmm. "Paul Revere was born with a silver spoon in his mouth."
Get it? His dad was a silversmith...oh never mind!

 

[John Ross]

I made this up. You ready?
uh hmm. "Paul Revere was born with a silver spoon in his mouth."
Get it? His dad was a silversmith...oh never mind!

Don't quit your day job...

 

[PALADIN85020]

A south sea island chief had the tallest grass house on his island. He wanted his throne up high also so that he could more impressively survey his people. He ordered that his throne be taken to the upper floor of his house. That effort failed, as the throne came crashing down through the grass to the bottom floor.

People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

John

 

[John Ross]

Roy Rogers came home wearing a new pair of hand-tooled alligator loafers, but Dale had just cleaned the white carpet and she made Roy take them off and leave them outside on the porch before he came in the house.

That night, while they slept, a mountain lion caught the scent of the alligator hide and proceeded to gnaw the footwear until it was ruined. Discovering this after breakfast, and seeing the tracks in the dirt, Roy saddled up Trigger and took off with Bullet trotting beside.

Bullet caught the scent, and soon Roy had dispatched the pesky feline with a shot from his SAA. He threw the dead mountain lion over his saddle horn and returned to his spread.

Dale stepped out of the house as he rode up, pointed at the carcass, and said:

"Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

 

[mg357]

very funny pun list i love it.

 

[OK Hog Shooter]

Thanks to all who have contributed to this thread. Just remember, a smile will increase your face value!

 

[RWJ]

They are contemplating one more space shuttle mission for the history books. They are going to place several head of cattle aboard and send them into orbit.

It will be the herd shot 'round the world.

 

[Chik a Boom]

How moooving.

 

[DeathGrip]

How moooving.

How utterly moooving.Sorry how bad can it get?

 

[John Eilertson]

What do you mean--African or European?

 

[Chik a Boom]

How utterly moooving.Sorry how bad can it get?

When you milk it for all it's worth.