OP
To pretty young thing: Where have you been all of my life?
Her response: For most of it I wasn't even born yet.
Her response: For most of it I wasn't even born yet.
PUTDOWNS!
- Thread starter crazyphil
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Skeptic 9c
Member
"Faster horses, younger women, older whiskey and more money!"
Geoff
Who is long married.
Geoff
Who is long married.
I was at a party in Columbus, Ohio talking to a pretty young woman when she remarked about my accent and asked where was I from. I replied Pennsylvania. She asked which part. I replied all of me.
Puller
Member
In the deep south it's any statement that ends with "bless their heart."
Jon651
Member
There was an old story about Henry Ford, who was so proud of his manufacturing prowess that he sent a sample of his finest 1/64" drill bits to a Swiss watchmaker. The Swiss sent a very complementary letter back to him saying how they were quite impressed with the drill bit - and returned it to him with a hole drilled through it!
Normally that is the end of the story, but there was reportedly a final letter sent by Mr. Ford that the Swiss don't talk about. Supposedly, Henry Ford replied back saying "If you like it so much, then we can provide you with a million of them by next Tuesday!"
Normally that is the end of the story, but there was reportedly a final letter sent by Mr. Ford that the Swiss don't talk about. Supposedly, Henry Ford replied back saying "If you like it so much, then we can provide you with a million of them by next Tuesday!"
OP
Another of our past presidents was giving a speech on a reservation down
in Arizona. With each point he made the crowd would chant OOMPAH,
OOMPAH. After he completed his speech the chief asked him if he would
like to walk out to the corral and see their prize bulls. As they walked along
the chief said be careful where you step, I wouldn't want you to step
in any OOMPAH.
in Arizona. With each point he made the crowd would chant OOMPAH,
OOMPAH. After he completed his speech the chief asked him if he would
like to walk out to the corral and see their prize bulls. As they walked along
the chief said be careful where you step, I wouldn't want you to step
in any OOMPAH.
It just needs a little work ...
It just needs a little work ...
and the Titanic could be repaired.
It just needs a little work ...
and the Titanic could be repaired.
A cutting remark - circumcision
I recommend circumcision at the neck.
I recommend circumcision at the neck.
THE PILGRIM
Member
A Lady Friend and I were riding the Telluride Tram.
This Cute Young Lady got on and sat across from us.
She looked at us for a while then said,
How long have you been married?
I replied, a long time, but not to each each other.
This Cute Young Lady got on and sat across from us.
She looked at us for a while then said,
How long have you been married?
I replied, a long time, but not to each each other.
HOUSTON RICK
Member
Going back to homecoming and waiting in line at a popular late-night restaurant near campus (yes Skyline in Clifton, Rusty) two young coeds looked at my friend and I and asked each other if it was "Grandpa's night". I then said "if your grandmothers went to school here, we probably are your grandfathers". End of conversation.
Doug M.
Member
I have some good ones, but they would cause trouble with the moderators.
One I did use with a former Attorney General of this state was referring to a couple of minions as acting more like officers of the Sicherheitsdienst, not of the law. (And that office is now worse under Ferguson.)
One I did use with a former Attorney General of this state was referring to a couple of minions as acting more like officers of the Sicherheitsdienst, not of the law. (And that office is now worse under Ferguson.)
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Having done gun/ militaria shows since the 80’s I’ve developed a excellent method of dealing with cheap skates. Have the remains of a pine cone in a small box frame about 3”X4”, sits in one of my glass display cases. When such come around and tries to insult me with some offer I simply pull out the case, lay it on the table and tell them,” sorry your family has already been here”. Most have no clue and I tell them, yea the squirrel family left about a hour ago. My buddies are almost rolling on the floor laughing and the cheap skate sulks off. One wanted to fight but my buddies started laughing harder.
One of the best ever was in 1966 when Charles DeGaulle told Secretary of State Dean Rusk he wanted "every American soldier out of France," Rusk's anger and impatience boiled over, "Does that include the dead Americans in the military cemeteries as well?" he asked. De Gaulle fell silent.
That would be a coffee sprayer!
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Yea, the S.D., few know about them.
There is an ornery elected official here in the Lone Star State that has proved simply too difficult too many times. Nonetheless I have to work with this dishonest personage at least occasionally.
In the middle of being dressed down a couple years ago in this person's office I was asked who had provided certain information, that this person apparently considered sensitive, and was plainly irritated I had knowledge of. I answered the question honestly (it was one of the official's lieutenants). The official said they didn't believe me. I asked the official if they were calling me a liar and they replied in the affirmative.
For once in my life I was thinking quickly in a stressful situation and immediately replied "Being called a liar by you is more irony than insult." I only wish this official was smart enough to understand what I said. This person is, unfortunately, still in office.
In the middle of being dressed down a couple years ago in this person's office I was asked who had provided certain information, that this person apparently considered sensitive, and was plainly irritated I had knowledge of. I answered the question honestly (it was one of the official's lieutenants). The official said they didn't believe me. I asked the official if they were calling me a liar and they replied in the affirmative.
For once in my life I was thinking quickly in a stressful situation and immediately replied "Being called a liar by you is more irony than insult." I only wish this official was smart enough to understand what I said. This person is, unfortunately, still in office.
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Jon651
Member
I spoke with a guy I met at a restaurant the other day. He told me he was celebrating his 11th wedding anniversary.
I replied: "That's amazing - eleven weddings! You think you would have learned after the first few!!!"
