Respect and Dignity at funerals

[Faulkner]

I realize those of us on this forum live in different parts of the USA (and abroad) and there are regional customs and protocols that differ from one another. I realize that we here in the Bible belt may be a little different than those in New England or west coast. Still, words like respect and dignity and used to have a universal acceptance.

I've been to several funerals lately and I've begun to wonder why some people even bother to attend funerals. By their actions they don't seem to want to show respect to or honor the deceased. They show up at formal church funerals, of respected individuals, attired in shorts and flip-flops, or come as though they just got out of bed, and other inappropriate attire for the occasion. In doing so they disrespect the guest of honor.

I attended a funeral last week where a woman found it appropriate in her eyes to bring her lap dog to the funeral inside the church in her purse. No, it was not the deceased's favorite pet or some other special circumstance, it was just a woman who thought bringing along her lap dog was okay. To the church. There shouldn't have to be written rules or laws or ordinances saying you can't wear swimwear to a church funeral or that bringing your dog along is not okay, but young people need to be taught common courtesy and etiquette on how to act in public, and no, it's not all about them.

I'm afraid we're at least a generation and a half into too many young people not taught about respect and dignity and honor and common courtesy. They're not taught at home and not taught at school. Fortunately, there are a a few still being taught by good parenting and they stand out like a beacon in the night these days.

 

[snubbyfan]

I guess it's different around here and one of the reasons I like living in a "backwards" small town in West Virginia.
You don't see that kinda thing here. People dress and act respectfully at such things as funerals. In fact at the last funeral I attended, I felt bad because my suit was dark grey and I couldn't afford to buy a black one.

 

[Muss Muggins]

I don't go to funerals. And I am dead serious about this. You must be related in the first degree to me, otherwise, I'll send a nice card, and even that's kinda up in the air. After all, he ain't going to mine . . .

 

[Onomea]

When I was a child, putting on your "Sunday best" was a social prerequiste to attending church. Suits or sport jackets/blazers with slacks and ties for the men, modest dresses and hats for the women, and pint sized versions of the adult attire for the children. (Gray flannel shorts, white shirt, bowtie and suspenders for me. Man, I was so proud to graduate to long pants!) This was true of all the churches in the area when I was growing up.

While I have not attended church service in many years, other than the funerals of my parents — to which I'll add everyone that I noticed was dressed formally — my understanding is that many churches, or their congregations, nowadays find casual dress acceptable. I surmise this is to encourage attendance.

I also recall from my childhood that when we travelled it was also standard to put on our Sunday best. I think that custom fell by the wayside in my teens, so the late '60s, at least in my case. Nowadays people show up in track suits or sweat pants, etc., to fly. Haven't gone that far myself, although I do now make it a point to dress comfortably for travel.

Re Faulkner's lament about flipflops and shorts at funerals, I sympathize, but suspect we have a losing battle on our hands.

Japan is in most ways a more formal society than ours, with specific customs, specific proper behavior, for most, if not all, life events. For funerals one wears black, a black suit with a white shirt and black tie for men, and black dresses for the women. For a wedding, the dress is the same for men, except one wears a white tie. Women wear a conservative black dress for a funeral and a more stylish black dress for a wedding.

Dressing properly for the occasion is still very important in Japan. It is a custom I like.

 

[bigwheelzip]

Have attended four funerals from our family in the last year, 3 in NY and 1 in FL, and I saw nothing but respectful formal mourners, but I'm not a trained observer, so I may have missed something.

 

[Watchdog]

I don't go to funerals. And I am dead serious about this.

Interesting wordplay.

 

[HOUSTON RICK]

Many dress informally because that is all they have and all they were taught to wear by their parents. Those ladies with dogs in church and restaurants just want you and everyone else to know to know that she can afford to give her dog a better life than most people. Rules, courtesy and customs often don't mean much anymore as many simply are no longer exposed to them. Folks are taught to do, or not do, what makes them feel good. As for the deceased; who cares, its too late for them to change the will. I am glad that I grew up when I did.

 

[loknload]

Always have a black suit, worn to weddings and funerals!
Yes it was customary in these parts to wear your Sunday best but now it's more like business casual!

 

[xring33]

I attended a funeral for a young man that OD on some drug. His mother and some of his friends stayed afterwards and drank a case of beer and threw the empty cans in his grave. The minister said he will never officiate a service for that family again. And I will not attend a funeral for any of them.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[THE PILGRIM]

I recently attended my first Native American Funeral.
That was just South of town at the Isleta Pueblo.
It was sort of a Catholic Service and quite a bit Native one.
Folks were dressed in a number of ways, all seemed to be accepted.

 

[yaktamer]

I don't go to funerals. And I am dead serious about this. You must be related in the first degree to me, otherwise, I'll send a nice card, and even that's kinda up in the air. After all, he ain't going to mine . . .

Having been mildly flamed here before for my take on funerals, I'll refrain from expressing my opinion, except to say that I have attended a couple of "Celebration of Life" type of memorials, typically a few months after the deceased has passed, that were sort of a good-natured "roast" by friends and family that I found very uplifting and probably provided more "closure" for the grieving. When my kids are grown I'm going to tell them instead of a funeral for me they should use their inheritance (HA!) to take a big family vacation to an exotic locale in my honor. But if any of them plans a funeral, I'll take 'em with me -- whichever direction I may go!

 

[THE PILGRIM]

I have been known to say-
You want me to wear a necktie?
Then you got to die!
Or you can have me subpoenaed.
You might prefer choice no. 2.

 

[Absalom]

Funerals are a show for the surviving; the dead guy doesn't care whether you sing hymns or play death metal, and whether his mortal remains get entombed in a mausoleum or tossed in a mass grave.

That said, if you choose to attend a funeral, I believe common decency and courtesy requires that you comport yourself within the expectations of the family and the social circle that makes up the crowd. It's not your place to express yourself.

That works both ways, however. I wouldn't want that judgmental minister to officiate at my funeral if he can't handle the beer cans.

 

[Farmer17]

The last few funerals I went to I was one of the very few people wearing a suit. The funerals had a grave site service and it was sunny and 90 or 95 degrees and even though I was wearing tropical wool I was about to pass out from the heat. Any more summer time funerals and I'll be wearing dark slacks, black dress shoes, and short sleeves.

 

[NYlakesider]

Well things are getting interesting at funerals/wakes. This is coming from the son of a undertaker, the nephew of 5 undertakers and the cousin of at least 10 that are still in the business!

I have seen it all. One thing you got to remember is people are busy and in some cases leaving work, driving a distance, cleaning up, changing clothes, going to the funeral home for a wake is a lot of time and expense

Lately at least in my area the funerals themselves are much smaller, mostly just close family and very close friends. I can remember funerals in the 50s to mid 70s that were 30-40 cars long, hardly see that today unless its a very well known person! Five-Eight car funerals are common.

A good friend of the family, father died. (the friend was a undertaker himself) I left work and showed up at the wake dressed winter construction. I apologized to him and explained about the long drives and the time constants. His reply, Dave clothes mean nothing you came and that showed respect. That's all that ever will be remembered.

AFAIC the biggest disrespect and funeral problems are the idiot drivers that dart in and out of processions or cut in front to save a couple minutes. Most times unless a big funeral we have no LEO car as a leader.

 

[paplinker]

Having been mildly flamed here before for my take on funerals, I'll refrain from expressing my opinion, except to say that I have attended a couple of "Celebration of Life" type of memorials, typically a few months after the deceased has passed, that were sort of a good-natured "roast" by friends and family that I found very uplifting and probably provided more "closure" for the grieving. When my kids are grown I'm going to tell them instead of a funeral for me they should use their inheritance (HA!) to take a big family vacation to an exotic locale in my honor. But if any of them plans a funeral, I'll take 'em with me -- whichever direction I may go!

I left specific plans for me and they do not include a funeral.

I wish to be cremated and half my ashes spread behind my camp so I can keep an eye on things
The other half on the beach I frequented on vacation most of my life. Figure when my relatives are there and they see some cute girl wiping the sand off there butt they might get a smile

I want my remembrance to be a big cookout with ribeyes,beer and homemade potato salad for all. Maybe the Phillies game on.

 

[Bob L]

I feel the same way for both funerals and weddings. The youth today just to not seem to show any respect whereas we were always taught to wear our Sunday best. However, my wife just pointed out that at least they showed up. I guess now a days, that is something.

 

[Rustyt1953]

Some of you folks would be right put off by what I've got planned.

A rented hall, open bar and a pile of kazoos at ever table.

 

[nachogrande]

SHOULDN'T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER.

Nobody I know can tell what's going on in the mind of an attendee. A person in overalls may have just lost a best friend or brother, VS a sharp dressed guy constantly looking at his watch, wishing he were elsewhere??? I'm there to show respect for the deceased & offer support to the family, NOT to judge other attendees. Someone using a cell phone during a funeral, regardless of what they have on is worse. I'm not saying tie dyed Tee shirts are appropriate, but attendee attire is not the big issue, imo.

 

[nachogrande]

YES I STOLE THIS IDEA.

Some of you folks would be right put off by what I've got planned.

A rented hall, open bar and a pile of kazoos at ever table.

A 007 ejector seat built into the coffin & pop goes the weasel being played loudly.