Speaking of starting to date agin. Is it too early to think on it?

[the ringo kid]

I'm with the others, when you're ready, go for it. Dating after losing a spouse doesn't mean you've moved on, forgotten, or quit loving them. You are allowed to move forward with your life. I'm sure Sabrina wants you to be happy.

Sadly enough, Sabrina told me she wanted me to be happy. She had also willed it to me that I got a small vial of her ashes (which I have safe in a small wooden box) to keep. Ive got Shasta's as well. If I never marry? My only wish is all ashes will get mixed and just scattered to the winds-in the hill country-where I belong. A few weeks before she passed away-id asked her to marry-because some of the benefits I have-could have made her final moments slightly better, as well as after. She just didn't want me to face anymore hardship. I wish id been employed at the time.........

 

[the ringo kid]

IMHO, while asking for opinions is good, what really matters is how you feel about it... You have to live with your choices, not us. It's not that we don't care, it's what you feel comfortable with.

That's just it, I knew you all would give me some great help-and I did make it all of your business by asking and am grateful for all opinions and stories. It gives me ideas and things to learn from. I'm glad this site aint just about ammo. )

 

[the ringo kid]

I've heard folks "judge" a guy for getting back into the game too early. I think it's inexcusable! A guy or a gal in your situation needs a pit crew not a jury. It appears to me you've got a pretty good pit crew in this lot!

When I encounter an event that causes me pain I write about it. Sometimes I spend a bit of time down there at satin's side before I realize I need to write about it. I have to be honest with myself when I write -- no shortcuts or half truths 'cause guess who will know? Most times I share my tale with a close friend. I have yet to have a friend judge me, and them talking about my story with me helps even more. Throwin' this out for what it's worth.

Thank you and I do appreciate every post here. Its making me think more and think of more ways to go. Some things I had not thought of, but now have wrinkled ) Before this I was really feeling in the dumps--also thinking of fine folks like Rusty and some others here.

 

[the ringo kid]

Ringo, you've taken a real beating recently, and I don't think any of us can tell you when to "date" again. I would suggest you try to involve yourself in some activity where you can meet and spend time with a bunch of people. That way, you might meet somebody in the group, you might befriend a married couple in the group who will know somebody they think should meet you. Just circulate, no pressure of dating until you get your wheels back on track. I'd suggest getting more involved with church activities - most are looking for and welcome new faces, volunteering in your community - something like Meals on Wheels, a local hospital, a local park or historical site that attracts a lot of visitors, and you'll be surprised at how many nice people you'll meet and get to know, and if the Right One appears, you'll know it. You could start as simply as suggesting a bite to eat together in a cafeteria or restaurant right after a volunteer session - that way it's not really a "date" and it's on neutral ground, so there's no commitment, no pressure, just a pleasant hour for which neither of you owes the other anything. I've seen this approach work well for many people I've known here. Even if they don't find "The One", their health and general outlook improved just by being with people and contributing something to a group.
Best of luck to you, and I hope your loneliness eases before too long.

Thank you and one good thing is, I'm working long hours due to staff shortages-which helps keep my mind off things some. Some of my female customers "show off" a bit when coming through my line which makes me day.

I was at Wm last night looking for a card for Rusty--and met a woman who could be a twin to my good friend Noemi-and I was hoping she was her-as ive not seen her in many months greatly missing her. Good thing I asked first-because I wanted to hug her badly. Id asked if they were related? nope. Boy was it nice chatting with her while looking for cards and Valentines Day stuff.

My brother used some site-and is now married to a woman from Monterrey, Mexico. They seem to be happy-a 2-income household and living the dream.

 

[the ringo kid]

Ringo I am sorry for your loss first of all. I don't know your age but my first wife died when I was 30 and it's been 26 years , we were jr high school sweethearts and dated throughout highschool we were best friends before we were boy friend / girl friend and in 26 years I still think on her and smile and sometimes when I'm alone cry even today . I " dated" some but it's hard to explain to say a divorced woman who sort of hates her ex husband that just because your wife is in heaven doesn't mean you stopped loving her .I finally met someone who gets that she said she wanted a man who could love like that and through the tears we have grown to understand trust and yes love each other but it is complicated .You just be straight up and honest about who you are and eventually you will meat a woman who can appreciate a man who can love like that u til then you just must realize that you deserve happiness and trying to pretend you don't have feelings for your departed wife isn't who you really are .My dad passed a couple of years ago my mom has a friend who's wife passed a coup, of years back and I truly lime him but they live several states away but she wa kinda upset that he didn't want to go much further than friends right now as he still loves his wife .I told her mom you saw me hit bottom and live through it but this man can love that deep do t push him away be glad be so glad that 1st of all he is man enough to b honest and 2nd of all he is man enough to love like that .You be yourself be aus from what I have read and seen of your posts on this site you are pretty good and decent guy the right woman will find you and if she cares will understand , want moms number I know you and me have some things in common being on this site you probabaly have some very nice guns I would love to shoot lol. Just kidding but you want her number she's a good cook lol. You stay true to yourself man and you gotta remember yourself is damn good enough and any woman that can't see that don't worry about it she ain't lookin a real man anyway ,maybe that is old fashioned thinking but there it is fir what it's worth .My wife today she thinks I'm a catch and trust me I'm no catch but she understands I never fell out if love with my first wife never will ,heck I never want to .

Thank you for all. You also mimic one of my Nephews-who married a few years out of HS-having the same gad through it and through college. The bad thing is-she eventually cheated on him (nobody ever saw that coming) and he was down in the dumps worse than I am-and for several months before meeting his new wife-well-happily married now several years. I'm unclear how exactly they met? she lived in the hill country-he was here locally.....

I still cry when I really think on what Sabrina when through and also that she thought of me-over her own self. And I thought id had it rough.....

One thing I use-which is an old business expression) when meeting the ladies is: wysiwyg. What you see is what you get. Ive never thought faking anything ever helped-so just never did. It was suggested to me by my neighbor Rosemary-to not be totally honest--I just don't know how not to be? If they ask me a question? ill answer it as best as I can. So far-that seems to work.

I do have a couple nice collectors guns-and would sell them in a heart beat-to make life easier if conditions were right. One of my Nephews thinks I have a "million dollar rifle" and maybe he is correct. Ive never fired it-it is a limited produced rifle-from as low as 5 to as high as 50-made WWII German Army sniper rifle variant.

I'm 50-and will be looking in the range of about 42-53-as I don't want one who still likes to play "mind games." Sabrina never did and was just straight-forward like I was. At first-she was business-like-but that wall cracked after she saw who I was.

 

[pawngal]

Zoosk is the #1 rated online dating site. The other big one is Match.
Zoosk especially, requires a good amount of computer skills and being able to be online a lot of the time. You need to be there to reply to likes & messages otherwise the other person will just move on.
And its not cheap. Something like $70 for 6 months or maybe more.

 

[the ringo kid]

Carl,

Most everyone who has made a post before me has stated, it is up to you to decide.

When you can talk with another woman, without bringing up Sabrina's name, you MAY be ready to move forward.

Some day the hurt will subside, but not the memory, that is a good thing. For now, from what I read between the lines of your post, you haven't quite gotten past the hurt stage.

For me, I have found that associating with another widow, not a divorcee, will know from where I come.

My only advice would be, is to be totally honest with a new friend..Don't be afraid to admit to your new friend how you felt, and how you feel now.

It's not a slam against a new friend if you mis-speak Sabrina's name, when you mean to speak the name of your new friend. Another who has walked the same path as you will understand...

IF..you decide to go to a dating site.



"I am a new widower". "I now however choose to return to fulfilling life with another". "I would like to meet you so that WE might fulfill life together".


WuzzFuzz

Thank you, and that's who I was thinking of looking for when I start doing so? a widower. I know she would understand more than others. You are correct though, it's still painful as hell-and likely because all three I lost least year happened so close to each other. I don't know how others can take that kind of loss? like losing several buddies on a battlefield? I used to be able to--but now? not sure if I can function. Ozark Marine gave me some advice here awhile back, and I'm trying to use it, but??

 

[the ringo kid]

Why not go on a date? No obligation and you may enjoy the conversation. If it’s not for you, nobody will fault you for not continuing. I am sure anyone you go out with will know of your loss and respect that you are more in exploratory phase. Like most things in life, just waiting for something special is not a good strategy, one needs to make an effort.

I'm thinking of it, and would be willing on a first meeting at some place that she would be totally comfortable with. I think Barnes and Nobles (as they have a café) could be a good choice-and then if she wants to do something else? id be more than happy to. What's embarrassing for me-is the car I now have-used to be owned by a gent who was 95-and is all dinged up-scratched up etc-ugly-but works. I don't have the money to replace. The other is-I'm no Cary Grant in looks-but never really had trouble with that. I like to disarm them making them laugh and with dark chocolates-card-the first time round.

 

[the ringo kid]

So sorry for your loss.

Nothing wrong with going out & having fun, so long as that is the only goal.

My ultimate is-to get married for the first time, having kids doesn't matter though. Id like very much having a gal I can go on vacations with-spending Christmas with-driving through the snows in Colorado or New Mexico-etc.

 

[the ringo kid]

Zoosk is the #1 rated online dating site. The other big one is Match.
Zoosk especially, requires a good amount of computer skills and being able to be online a lot of the time. You need to be there to reply to likes & messages otherwise the other person will just move on.
And its not cheap. Something like $70 for 6 months or maybe more.

I couldn't think of the other but Match it is. Zooskj sent me a deal for $3 a week, but I don't know how to post a photo. Ive not looked at the other yet.

 

[Rpg]

Generally good advice: don’t make a long term commitment for a year after a divorce or death of a significant other.

I’ll bet Ringo’s loved one wouldn’t have wanted him to stay in mourning for a prolonged time: she’d have wanted him to get on with his life.

 

[GKC]

There are some advantages to being married:

1) You'll always have a to-do list to keep you busy.
2) You'll always know when you've done something wrong.
3) You might know when you've done something right, although I'm still waiting to find that one out after 39 years of marriage.
4) You won't have to wonder if your clothes, hair, or shoes are correct for the occasion.
5) You won't be burdened with excess closet space.
6) You won't have to worry about where to spend any disposable income.

J/K My wife is a wonderful person, without whom I wouldn't want to go through this life. If you do get married, I hope you are as lucky as I have been.

 

[Farmer17]

I always stayed active and worked out at the gym and looked at a website called "Fitness Singles". The good news was the gals there looked great and had hard bodies, but the bad news is most of them knew it and acted a little snobby. Some of them even said that men should not try to contact them if they don't have "six pack abs".

 

[crankyoldlady]

If you are thinking about it, you are ready.

 

[Grayfox]

Ringo, I've tried several different dating sites and you really never know how they'll work for you until you try.

Senior People Meet or Our Time: basically copies of each other and if you join one, you automatically belong to the other. This site is specifically for people over 50. Good site, well laid out and easy to use. I met my former girl friend here.

Match.com: Fill out your profile and answer multiple choice questions. You're free to browse the listings, but they also give you possible "matches" everyday based on your answers. These also have a percentage rating on each profile to show how close your answers match hers.
Seems like a pretty good site, but I haven't had any luck there.

Plenty of Fish: This one is actually free. Just sign up with a valid e-mail address. You can make a profile, post pictures and search. But you will have to message the prospect directly as some of the other features won't work unless you pay. Its quite popular because it is free. I've meet several nice ladies there and have a date tomorrow night.

Tips for dating sites:
A good profile is everything. Be honest, answer the questions truthfully. Describe yourself in detail and state what you're looking for.
Good current pictures are a MUST! At least one good portrait of your face and one good head to toe shot.
BTW: insist on the same from ladies you're interested in. I've had some unpleasant surprises before.
Be prepared to say "no thanks". Any decent guy who joins a dating site will get a lot of interest from lonely, desperate and frankly, some downright ugly women. You will get messages from many women you have no interest in at all. You can just ignore them, but I consider that rude. I will at the least send a message back: "Thank you for your interest, but I just don't think you're the one I'm looking for. Good luck to you". OTOH: if you message a woman you're interested in and she ignores it/ doesn't answer, just forget her and move on. That's how many play this game.
Above all, be patient and don't get discouraged. Real love takes time.

 

[LostintheOzone]

55 posts in this thread and 85 in the other one..

We're ready for the Smith and Wesson Forum Lonely Hearts Club section.

Be sure to list your S&W interests when you sigh up. There will be a nominal fee when you join.

Keep it clean.

 

[pawngal]

55 posts in this thread and 85 in the other one..

We're ready for the Smith and Wesson Forum Lonely Hearts Club section.

Be sure to list your S&W interests when you sigh up. There will be a nominal fee when you join.

Keep it clean.

Me thinks we'd need a lot more women members!
Make it free for the women and charge the men.

 

[DeathGrip]

Me thinks we'd need a lot more women members!
Make it free for the women and charge the men.

It's ladies night at the S&W lounge every night.

 

[pawngal]

It's ladies night at the S&W lounge every night.

Does that mean I get free drinks?

 

[Grayfox]

Pawngal, I'd buy you a drink anytime.
And so would just about anybody here.