When to say when and when to let it go.

[Ματθιας]

It's about my 98 year old uncle.

Poor guy. Up until recently, he'd been doing OK. His hearing was shot, but from what I heard, he was doing fine, otherwise. He was driving and even golfing! I called him on his birthday in October, and he was still sharp and witty.

Then, he fell. He had fallen before, but nothing major happened. This last time, it was different. He didn't break any bones, but he bruised his ribs and had some blood work issues - he's been a diabetic for 50+ years. He ended up being in the hospital for 4+ weeks before being sent home.

Well, he didn't go home, he stayed with his daughter. He wasn't ready to go home. He was getting PT, but ended up getting pneumonia. Add to that, he wasn't eating, was already skin and bones. He was saying he was ready to go. He knew he wasn't going back to what he was.

My aunt was helping a taking care of my uncle and also his wife. The wife has early stage ALZ. She, my aunt, talks to the daughter on a daily basis and keeps me informed. My aunt was also telling me that he was depressed and that he was wanting to, well die.

Well, when he had/s pneumonia, they put him in the covid ward. Surprisingly. he didn't get it. They later moved him to another part of the hospital to deal with his other issues, blood work and new internal bleeding, but it is supposedly minor(!). They don't know where it is, though. He, now, can't swallow and can't talk.

He's been in the hospital for 3+ weeks.

The daughter came in, got POA, and is insisting that "something" get done. Now, she has him on a feeding tube to "build him up" so he can get scoped to find the bleeding. If they find the bleeding, then what? Surgery?

It's sad. I get that he is her dad, I get it - but the guy is suffering! When he could talk., he's even told anyone who'll listen that he's ready to go!

I'm not making judgements, but when my dad was getting bad, he was a fighter and kept fighting cancer. The last time he went to the hosp, my mom and I asked him if he wanted to go on. He said he was "done". They got him stable, brought him home and put him on hospice and... well, you know...I wanted my dad around, but not like that. Not suffering.

Edit, my writing is horrible. I tried to clean it up and make it a bit clearer.

 

[Onomea]

That's a tough situation, Matøiaç. Wish I had something useful to say to you, but I don't. Good luck with it.

 

[walter o]

I couldn't post a like for this because i had to make a decision about my wife of 55years Their comes a time when out of love we put our pets down out of love, i did the same for my wife. I hope someone will do the same for me when the time comes. We will all be together again.

 

[grover99]

Quality of life is the term that is used to give us the time we should throw in the towel. So someone should determine when that will be. The ill person or someone to speak for him. That is one reason for a living will. I have chronic kidney Disease and may at one point have to go on dialysis. May be end of this year or next year. When that happens I feel that my quality of life drops below what I care to live with so I am going to refuse it. Each person makes their own choice or a loved one makes for them. Making a choice for someone because you don't want to lose them is selfish if their quality of life is so bad they are needlessly suffering.

 

[robvious]

I will add you and him to my prayer list.. sadly most people will not have the necessary conversations about these issues because they don't want to talk about death.. talking about end of life issues and inheritance will mitigate many hard decisions and avoid hurt feelings to a point..

soapbox time.. for those reading this.. act like a grown up and do it..

 

[tops]

My prayers for you. I realize it's hard too give up someone you love but it's also hard too see someone you love suffer. So far I've been blessed by not having too make that decision. I don't want a loved one being put in the situation where they have too make that difficult decision for me. I have a living will and also wear a medical DNR bracelet. Larry

 

[robrossk]

Nothing easy about it. I feel sorry for all involved

 

[two-bit cowboy]

This post, like so many on this forum, explain why we all congregate here. We share a common thread with our S&Ws, but we've come so much farther as a community than simply the latest model we've acquired.

I, too, don't know the words to say, but your family will be in my thoughts.

 

[Chukar60]

My prayers to you and your uncle.
Yes there is a time to say enough. Both of my parents lived into their 90’s.
Dad spent the last year of his life not knowing where he was, what year it was and would spontaneously break out speaking German with a very good accent. Understandable as his family was bilingual.
Mom was sharp as a tack up until her last 8-10 days.
I went to visit them in the retirement home they lived in about 5 months before they passed on.
Mom told me at the time she was ready to go. There was nothing left of life. No activity and she was tired of reading books and staring out the windows watching the world move past her. She said she had a great life. Raised 12 of us kids, had over 25 grandkids and I have no idea how many great great grand kids.
The reality is once you are no longer an active participant in your own life there is little to motivate the will to live. There is nothing left to be done or accomplish.
Mom had a stroke and never recovered. Through his fog of dementia, dad realized mom was gone and passed away 23 hours after she did.
Neither of them chose their time, it just arrived and they cooperated with the good lord’s will.
We like to keep our aged loved ones around because we are selfish and would rather spare ourselves the pain of loss. We should really consider their desire to not suffer physically or mentally anymore. They should be allowed to slip peacefully and without external aid into the next horizon.

 

[llowry61]

My prayers are with you and your family. I can only empathize with you and pray that the lord comforts you during this difficult time.

 

[LVSteve]

I know how the OP feels. One of the worst days of my life so far was taking direction from my first wife to fill in her DNR paperwork about six weeks before her death. Her lucidity that day was almost frightening. In the end, it was the right thing to do.

 

[bigwheelzip]

My sister was inclined to act like your uncle's daughter, when my mother was at her end.
A very experienced hospice nurse gently explained to sis, the body's process when it is done, and the pain you inflict trying to fight the process.
Sis stopped pushing for extraordinary measures, and mom had peace to the end.
Maybe your cousin could benefit from a talk with a good hospice nurse. I pray for your family.

Sent from my Moto G (5) Plus using Tapatalk

 

[Camster]

My father went through a scenario like that and much worse, at age 79.Parkinsons and prostate cancer gone wild.
I wish that I could undo the life prolonging things that we did,(though we really didn't comprehend how much worse it could and would become) and I would give everything if there was the option of an injection to put him out of his misery.

 

[OldRN]

Can’t tell you how many times I’ve dealt with patients and their families in similar situations. Tough for the family looking for a miracle and tough for the medical staff trying to explain there isn’t likely to be one. I pray you find the strength to help make the hard decisions and to live with them in your heart.

I helped convince family to bring home a person I dearly loved dying of cancer so he could pass in his own bed. I spent the last 48 hours with him, his wife, and family and even with my background it was very hard.

May God bless and keep your family.

 

[16thVACav]

Prayers for you and your family.

 

[GypsmJim]

So sorry. Its just so sad. It happens to too many families.

The day we had to put Grandma & Grandpa in a "home" (as they called it) the whole family went to visit them. As we were leaving my Dad (already in his 70's) grabbed me by the shoulder with a strength I didn't know he had, and said "Don't you EVER put me in a place like this".

Fifteen years later he developed cancer and was put in the care of Hospice. His last words were "Take care of your mother".

Mom gradually deteriorated (much like your 98 year old uncle) and reached a point where she didn't know anyone, couldn't eat, walk, etc. She had been under the care of hospice for close to a year. In the end, Hospice made the recommendations and we took their advice.

With Hospice as the guiding agent, and with a DNR, they should provide the advice and it should be heeded. THEY know best when to let it go.

 

[Golddollar]

My dad passed away just over 5 years ago, and I am happy that he was able to have most of what he wanted at the end. He wanted to see all of his children, and we all made it back to see him. I was very amazed and happy that Hospice was able to make his next wish possible. On a Sunday, Hospice got a hospital bed, got Pop out of the hospital and set up the hospital bed in his house so he could look out through the French doors and see his beloved Lake Erie. Pop was able to spend his last hours in his own house and able to look out over Lake Erie.

Pop's last wish was to make it to his 87th birthday. He didn't quite make it. He missed it by one day.

 

[Bullet Bob]

Hopefully people won't mind a little humor in the midst of a serious post. Somewhere in the mid-to-late 90's the Social Security Administration started program for house visits to people who had reached 100. The main purpose was to make sure they were still mentally capable of handling their funds. It was much nore rare to find out grandpa was buried in the south 40 but his checks were still being cashed - this was before all the different agencies computer interactions.

What I most remember of the relatively few that were in relatively good physical and mental health is that they were all deaf as a post. And that I don't want to live to be 100.

 

[ancient-one]

I have lived a long and for the most part happy life. I still enjoy life but when that is no longer true, I don't want to linger. It is in my living will and I have made sure that my daughter and grandson understand my wish.
There comes a time for everything to end.

 

[pawncop]

Such a difficult situation. Prayer for you and your family that this can resolve as best as possible.