Borderline personality Disorder?

[Oscar Zulu]

I recently had a relationship with a beautiful person (lady) who I believe has bpd. It was the most confusing, heartbreaking thing I have ever been through. The only woman I have ever truly wanted to marry! Does anyone have any experience with this? Thankyou,
O.Z.

 

[blastfact]

My first wife slipped into manic, bypolar, split personality mess.

That there will twist your chicken.

 

[Jellybean]

Thanks, now the nightmares are going to start again.

 

[Evil One]

My first wife slipped into manic, bypolar, split personality mess.

That there will twist your chicken.

My current wife also... but for me its worth it do deal with the issues.
The main thing is that she knows and admits she has issues.
Then try to get her help.
It IS possible to get thru it without counciling or medication... but it isnt always possible... and its never easy.
It seems that most women I have been with have had mental/personality issues.
I have just learned to roll with it and adapt.
I really dont notice it anymore.


Jim

 

[borntoraisehogs]

You probably don't need to worry unless you taught her to shoot . You didn't did you ? Bought her a gun too ? Worry .

 

[Frizzman]

I worked in the mental health/counseling field for a good many years and encountered people with that diagnosis frequently. Some consider it a form of emotional bipolar disorder. It is very difficult for people with that disorder to maintain relationships. Typically, they cannot recognize boundaries and will consume those they are around. They tend to see others as either close companions or enemies. There is little ability to moderate one's emotions or deny impulses. Trying to live with a person who has such traits would be very tough for anyone. Many therapists I knew found treating Borderline folks very frustrating and would avoid such patients. As unhappy as you may feel about a breakup, it is better to have found this out before marriage. It is better to understand that you cannot "fix" this problem for her. The very meaning of a personality disorder it that it is a core part of one's view of the world and not easily changed if not impossible.

 

[roosterk]

There's a book called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" that explains a lot. Do a google search, About.com has a BPD website.
roosterk

 

[7shooter]

The bottom line with borderline personality disorder is that it never changes. If you like emotional and sometimes high risk roller coaster relationships then feel bad about his one breaking up. Figure out why you were attracted to this person and then find someone who is the complete opposite. I think you dodged a bullet. Good luck.

 

[GatorFarmer]

Who diagnosed her? A non professional "pop" diagnosis is always a risky business. Only a mental health professional who personally examines a patient can form an opinion as to what, if anything, is wrong with them. Even then, it isn't even close to being an exact science.

If you were actually dealing with an undiagnosed and untreaded rapid cycle bipolar condition, or something of that nature, a number of medicines are available. Downside, particularly with women, is that they tend to make women fat.

If it was just simple depression, or someone being a half bubble off, then a little Prozac can help take the edge off.

Or some people are just mean and manipulative. Some guys pay 150 or more an hour to have a woman abuse them, so if you got it for free, eh. More power to you if you're into that. If you're not into that, that you don't probably don't need it in your life.

 

[BarbC]

Borderline personality disorder is, in my experience, different from bi-polar. Borderline personalities can work themselves up in to a rage and direct it at you for no apparent reason. Then as fast as it came on, they switch it off and leave you there in the mess.

From what I've read, BPD is a personality disorder, not a medical one. They have to learn they can't treat people this way.

Good luck.

 

[beemerphile]

Run. Don't walk. Leave your hat on the couch and your good shoes under the bed. Just run.

 

[Oscar Zulu]

Frizzman, you nailed it. Of course the fact that she looks like Cameron Diaz doesn't make it any easier. I am torn with trying to help her heal and have some stabilty, and beating my head against a brick wall. Oops, that was redundant.
O.Z.
Home of the twisted chicken.
(Thanks blastfact!)

 

[BLACKHAWKNJ]

Yes, Run, Don't Walk. Such people are to be avoided like the Plague, the kindest thing you can do for them is point them in the direction of the professionals. I agree it's more of a personality disorder and such people must be shown their behavior is not acceptable and you will not tolerate it. I think people do what they can get away with until someone stops them.

 

[slowburninsteve]

Look on the good side....now you have more money to spend on guns!!!! BTW, I thought most women had BPD???? (Just kidding). I know my ex-wife did, but back then I just figured she was a lunkhead!
Steve

 

[beach elvis]

Discreetly and quickly, my first wife was initially diagnosed with borderline symptoms. It can, and in this instance did, degenerate to Intermittent Explosive Disorder.

In this situation, firearms or weapons of ANY kind in this person's vicinity could potentially wind up with you on the wrong end.
Oscar Zulu, only YOU know your current feelings but please know this:
You will NOT be the person who "saves" her.
There is no logic connected with their actions thus there's no way to "de-fuse" or "calm down" a violent episode.
The only guarantee for you in this is that whatever and however you try to keep "normalcy" and peace, you will be the loser.

As much as it may hurt to do so, your best option is to run screaming into the night, leaving no contact info. Just disappear from her life quickly and completely. The alternative is the eventuality of one or the other of you winding up either hospitalized, incarcerated, or possibly dead, either her accidentally in the process of your defending yourself or YOU, having been the object of an outburst.

There are no winners here. Only the promise of continually deepening misery.

If I can help you at all, my email is in my profile.

I wish heartfelt good luck to you, sir.

 

[venomballistics]

It took me the better half of my lifetime to find a woman worthy to call wife.
Women are not like cars or properties, you cannot just grab ye olde tool box and make things right. women just dont work that way.
In fact, a great many things you might try to do to fix things will only make things worse.
In the underpinnings of this sort of behavior is a control cycle. Each and every move you make in the face of any episode will be evaluated for effect.
The more things you do to appease the beast, the beast will in turn determine that the behavior can be used to press you into servitude.
Since she CAN .... will she? ... you can bet on it.

If your stuck with one, your faced with two options .. fold like a well beaten puppy, or meet her violence with the same until you break her.
Since neither are acceptable options for this, or any man of any quality fabric, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOURSELF, THE VIRGIN MARY, AND THE GREEN BAY PACKERS ... dont get stuck with her.

 

[m657]

re: "I am torn with trying to help her heal and have some stabilty, and beating my head against a brick wall."

IF that is a true diagnosis....
you could STRIVE to do that healing business.....or avoid the heartbreak of failing miserably despite your best efforts and just sign over your house, your car, your bank account and all your earthly possessions now, and leave quietly with absolutely no way for her or her agents to trace your new location.

You would be farther ahead in personal wear and tear and will recover financially faster, than trying to do what you feel drawn to do.

Run like the wind. Do not look back. Do not feel like you are missing out on something.

But hey, keep us posted.

 

[dmar]

The bottom line with borderline personality disorder is that it never changes. If you like emotional and sometimes high risk roller coaster relationships then feel bad about his one breaking up. Figure out why you were attracted to this person and then find someone who is the complete opposite. I think you dodged a bullet. Good luck.

Great feedback for the OP. My opinion is that your quality of life and happiness is directly related to sharing your life with a partner that is mentally healthy/stable. I always think it is a good idea to find out why we may be attracted to people that are really not equipped to provide a stable happy environment. I had an experience with a relationship similar to what the OP mentions, and I am very fortunate to have 'seen the light,' and been able to move on with my life.

I'm fortunate to have a wonderful wife, and we really enjoy each other. If you've got that, you've got everything. Life is short, choose well, and good luck.

 

[mwtdvm]

Very informative thread..

I have known a few women that went into the "twilight zone" on occasion but did not marry them.

For some reason after reading all the posts, Kenny Rogers song "The Gambler" comes to mind..

 

[charlie sherrill]

I had one of those. We've been divorced 10 years. She still calls occasionally whenever she has been "abused" by the boyfriend of the week. She was beautiful...on the outside. A friend told me he ran into her in a restaurant not long ago. I really didn't care but asked what she was doing just to be friendly. "Pouring a beer over some guy's head" was the answer. It's been so peaceful around here since she's been gone that I've even forgiven her for taking all my stuff when she left. Never again.

 

[Bat Guano]

Saving people from themselves doesn't work in my experience. I invested too much time and effort into a similar relationship, and I now thank God that it imploded prior to any marriage. To this day I don't know if she was just mean crazy or crazy mean. It had a happy ending (for me, anyway) in that one fine spring day she went to the East Coast and I went to the West Coast, never to meet again. I occasionally wonder what other men she inflicted misery on in later years.

Since then I have always been fond of the Roy Clark song, "Thank God and Greyhound"...

 

[BarbC]

I am torn with trying to help her heal and have some stabilty, and beating my head against a brick wall.

We call that "codependent".

You can't do it. She has to do it. And if you think that time will make it easier, guess again. The more you stay for it, the harder it will be to leave and then when you finally do... well, things escalate pretty badly with these types.

 

[sourdough44]

At times the proper decision is no decision. Maybe just enjoy things for a while & leave the rest be.

 

[Gary]

This thread reminds me of the old saying describing this kind of relationship:

I have been lonely and I have been miserable. Lonely is better.

 

[venomballistics]

It seems the consensus says "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE" on this one. which I agree with.
However this is probably only half of the appropriate advice that Oscar Zulu needs.
you see, OZ is likely doomed to repeat this with bad choice after bad choice till the day he passes from this earth if he does not receive the requisite food for thought to help him do this right.

The Marrying kind is not a project person. They are pretty close to complete when you find them.
its important to understand this since from your wedding day through death do they part (If you get it right) it is a team effort as the two become one.
You supplement, compliment and fortify eachother. Dont get this confused with carrying their dead weight.
If the mechanics of a marriage rest on the shoulders of one party, its foundation is not level and it will fall over.
after all, as you are single, I am sure you find your living workload quite enough for you to handle ... How in Gods name to you propose to take care of all your current obligations in life AND all the workload thrust upon you by a psycho dingbat?
its far better to compliment eachother. Understand that a complimentary relationship reciprocates. Where you might know how to paint the house for maximum effect, she might be the one planting a flower garden while you paint.
Either as a stand alone project will result in a visual improvement ... but together can be visually stunning.
if you try doing both because she will not do her part. Your paint job, no matter how exquisite, will lose its effect contrasting with the dead foliage you though you were helping her with.
balance my friend ... its all about balance

 

[smith17]

Wow, I didn't realize how lucky I was/am.
Ed

 

[kmyers]

Schizoid personality.

I actually had more than one PhD type tell me that I am a schizoid personality back when I was a student at the local junior college.

For the most part I agreed with them. I have had only one or two lasting friends that I have kept in touch with. I have a few from classmates.com that I have gotten in touch with, but I am not really close to anybody from my past going back to elementary school. Probably two or three at the most.

I did howl with laughter at one of the symptons of the schizoid personality...little or no interest in sex.

That does not describe me in the least.

 

[GregG]

It took me a lot longer than I'd have ever thought to find someone *good*. I got fooled several times, but the women turned out to be nothing more than pretty book covers with no pages in between.

I think it is prudent to hold off falling in love until you've known the person a good long time.

To the OP. If you even *think* she has problems that run that deep, she is not your woman. Don't torture yourself.

 

[38-44HD45]

I have a couple of friends whom I describe as "nut magnets." I've told them so. They attract and are attracted to women with personality disorders or mental illnesses. It has cost them thousands of dollars in legal fees for divorce lawyers, and in a couple of cases, criminal defense lawyers, as well as other expenses over the years, and endless heartbreak. As a favor, I once made the mistake of hiring an ex-wife of one of them to work in my law office, not knowing that her craziness was not limited to acts directed toward her ex-spouse. The results could only be described as disastrous. Unless you can shoot her and get away with it, RUN!!! Life is too short to spend it in a state of emotional upheaval, regardless of how she looks. Besides, if you'd seen any recent pics of Cameron Diaz without makeup, even the lust part of the equation would become easier. Blecch!

 

[venomballistics]

I still think the OP would benefit from an example of what a fine functional relationship looks like.
well at least in my case ... what it sounds like.

I married a church choir director so music was a bonus for us.

track selection one ... The Cry of the poor. Me playing solo .... Not at all bad by any means if I do say so myself.
CryOfThePoor.mp3

track selection number two. In Every Age. Now with the special effects courtesy of a healthy relationship.

In Every Age

Note how either part as a stand alone are great ... but together, a beauty forms as a sum total.


So what happens when a metal head like myself enters the arena with a classical pianist?
you'd think direction would fight like savages .... no son .... it adds depth and range of expression.

Ave Maria

this is possible because both parties in this relationship can, will and most importantly DO pull their weight to make it work.