joke of the day

[Old TexMex]

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a colony of ants walked up to him carrying the Bible on their backs. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book from the ants, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the ants. "Your name is written inside the cover."

 

[Ron M.]

First graders....

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to the class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, "...and Chicken Little went up the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling!'" The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and answered, "I think he said, 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes.

 

[soFlaNative]

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

 

[Madelyn Vernon]

There's a lot more here lol

 

[LouisianaJoe]

My wife noticed me sitting on the porch. She asked "What are you doing?". I said "nothing". She said "You did that yesterday". I said "I wasn't finished".

 

[soFlaNative]

Thanks to Madelyn for the inspirational website.

 

[Tex1001]

_______________________
I don't have Alzheimer's- My wife had me tested.

 

[Salty RI]

How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"? "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

 

[Maddawg1952]

I was at the cemetery tending to the family plot, when off in the distance I could hear a man crying out "Why, Why , did you have to die?" as I got closer the cries grew louder and I thought I'd try to comfort the man. I said " I'm sorry about your wife's death." He looked up and quickly shouted" Wife ? Hell this is her 1st husbands grave!!"

 

[Maddawg1952]

Still want more? Come on you know you do! Blonde walking along the river bank spots another blonde on the opposite bank and yells over " HEY, how do I get to the other side? " The other blonde yells back " DUH!!! You are on the other side!!"

 

[britbike1]

When Ole and Lena were first married they lived in a large apartment building. One day Ole came home from work and said to Lena " I just talked to Lars the janitor and he said he has made love to every woman in this building except one". Lena thought a minute and replied " it's probably that snotty Ms Olson on the 3rd floor".

 

[RobertJ.]

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

Now there's a true musician's joke!

Here's one of my favorites, although not quite as technical:

How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to drink until the room spins!

 

[soFlaNative]

We got stained glass windows on our house!
Stupid birds....

 

[JSR III]

Old Friends



One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?

Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury'.

 

[Salty RI]

This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker was working.
She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes…"

 

[Old TexMex]

A little boy was in second grade.

His teacher was talking about whales.

The teacher said "Whales are huge, but their throat is so small, they can't swallow anything bigger than a golf ball."

The little boy said "But Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

The teacher insisted such a thing was impossible.

So the little fellow said "I'll ask Jonah when I get to Heaven."

The teacher, not to be outdone, asked "Well, what if Jonah went to hell?"

The little boy answered: "Then you can ask him."

 

[FPrice]

Murphy phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, me wife is about to have a baby!" "Is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, ya idjit, this is her husband, Kevin!"

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "Well now, I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

Finnegin: Me wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Sean: What on earth is she doin' up at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.

 

[FPrice]

A new study finds that having sex later in life can help women's health, but can double the risk of older men having a heart attack. Or as women call that, "a win-win!"

 

[Tom S.]

 

[Tom S.]