joke of the day

[joe44va]

Cooter, Bubba, and Earl went to a silent auction.
Cooter got his self a Florida trip.
Bubba got a trip to Bermuda.
Earl got a toilet brush.
They got together for a beer or few a month later.
Cooter and Bubba had a great time.
Earl reckoned that, "if this rash doesn't clear up soon, I'm going back to toilet paper".

 

[crazyphil]

Sign on a phone pole:
LOST hunting dog, 3 legs, tail broken, blind in one eye, left ear missing,
recently neutered. Answers to name "Lucky".

 

[Steely85]

Man LOTS of sexist, racist, homophobic jokes..............

 

[crazyphil]

Cartoon shows a squad of French Foreign Legionnaires marching across
the Sahara Desert. One says to another: "I joined to forget about a
girl, but it's been hard. Her name is Sandy."

 

[crazyphil]

All of God's creatures are waiting to enter the Ark. Noah announces
"OK guys, listen up...we are going to do this thing alphabetically".
Oh ____! says the Zebra.

 

[crazyphil]

On his deathbed an old man asked his three sons to leave a hundred
dollars each in his casket, to be buried with him, to pay their respect.
His doctor son placed a new $100 bill in the casket. His engineer son
put 2 $50 dollar bills on top of the hundred. His attorney son, took the
bills and left a $300 check.

 

[crazyphil]

Out at sea the captain saw the light of another ship coming toward him.
He radios over "change your course 10 degrees south". A reply came
back "change your course 10 degrees north". The captain radios "I am
the captain! change your course south." The reply came back: "I can't
do that sir, you will have to change your course." The captain was
infuriated. He radioed: "I am the captain of this battleship and I order
you to change your course." The answer came back: "Change your
course. I am a lighthouse."

 

[mtgianni]

How can you tell when a soprano is on your porch?
Can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

How do you define a successful drummer?
One that works part time at wal-mart.

 

[shouldazagged]

A priest, a rabbi, a televangelist, an electrician, three nuns, a llama, two deputy sheriffs, a bear, a zebra, five clowns, twenty-two gerbils and Jerry Springer walk into a bar.

Write your own punchline. I got you this far.

 

[soFlaNative]

I decided to sell my wife's vacuum cleaner.
All it's been doing is gathering dust.

 

[FPrice]

A priest, a rabbi, a televangelist, an electrician, three nuns, a llama, two deputy sheriffs, a bear, a zebra, five clowns, twenty-two gerbils and Jerry Springer walk into a bar.

Write your own punchline. I got you this far.

The bartender says: "Where do you people think you are? The Smith&WessonForum?"

 

[Old TexMex]

Moosylvania

In an attempt (successful) to lift my spirits, a friend passed this bit of info on to me:


Moosylvania is a fictional island and micronation located in the Lake of the Woods along the Canada–United States border that served as a plot device in The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show.

In the fall of 1962, Jay Ward, producer of the Rocky and Bullwinkle show, decided to campaign for statehood for Moosylvania. Ward sent Skip Craig to Minnesota to buy an island in the Lake of the Woods. Craig wasn't able to find one for sale on the U.S. side of the lake (most of the islands in that lake are claimed by Canada), but managed to lease one for three years.

Ward and publicist Howard Brandy conducted a west-to-east cross-country tour in a decorated van, gathering signatures on a petition for statehood for Moosylvania. While in Washington, D.C., they sought an audience with President John F. Kennedy.

However, they arrived at the White House and were escorted off the grounds at gunpoint by extremely serious Marines and Secret Service.

Turns out they arrived at the White House the day the Cuban Missile Crisis was happening, but hadn't yet been released to the public.

Statehood was never granted.....

 

[soFlaNative]

Moosylvania... Bullwinkle Moose vacationed there
because "after two weeks here, anyplace else feels like heaven!".

 

[Absalom]

(Note: This comes from my nephew, who is currently majoring in information technology)

Two Arab exchange students are talking.

"Well, I'm going to a place with 72 virgins!"

"What?? You're planning a suicide bombing?"

"Nope, headed for my computer science seminar."

 

[walkinghorse]

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.

Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said: "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, and I voted twice for *****"

She starts work in the morning!

 

[HOUSTON RICK]

Seamus walks into the same Dublin bar every night and orders three bears and drinks from each in turn instead of one at a time. Eventually the bartender tells him that he will get colder beer if he orders and drinks one at a time. Seamus says "no, I drink one for me and one for each of my brothers just like we used to when we were altogether here in Dublin. You see one has moved to America and the other to Australia." The bartender thinks this a nice custom and this goes on for several more years until one night Seamus orders two bears. Startled, the bartender tells Seamus that he is sorry for his loss. Seamus says, "What loss? Oh, I have just stopped drinking!"

 

[FPrice]

Try to say "Irish wristwatch".

 

[HOUSTON RICK]

There's a lot more here lol

Let's fathers of daughters be sporting:

Two steps sound fair?

 

[FPrice]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

 

[soFlaNative]

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk butt off the merry-go-round!