Man Jokes-Read if you dare

[jaykellogg]

Not me, I have been divorced 8 years. BTW, I told my girlfriend the one about the woman with two black eyes and she said she thought it was funny.

 

[CAJUNLAWYER]

How do you make a woman have multiple screaming orgasms?



Who cares?

Along the lines of "why do women fake it?" "Because they think we care."

 

[Hillbilly77]

Along the lines of "why do women fake it?" "Because they think we care."

I wasn't gonna be the one to say it.

 

[gaucho1]

Along the lines of "why do women fake it?" "Because they think we care."

You are still alive?

 

[snubbyfan]

How many men does it take to get a beer out of the fridge?
None. It's a woman's job.

 

[Hillbilly77]

How many men does it take to get a beer out of the fridge?
None. It's a woman's job.

How many REAL men does it take to open a beer?

She better have it open when she brings it to me.

 

[snubbyfan]

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

 

[geoff40]

Near my last anniversary, my wife began to hint at what she wanted for a present. "I want something shiny and silver that goes from zero to 180 in about 3 seconds".
So I got her a new bathroom scale. Then the fight started.

The other day my wife was standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror. She was not happy. "Look at me, I am too fat, my boobs sag too far, and I am all wrinkled. Please honey, tell me a compliment", she said.
Well, your eyesight is damn near perfect, I told her. Then the fight started.

One year for Christmas I bought my wife a cemetery plot. The next year I didn't get her anything, and she began to cry and asked me why I didn't get her a present.
Well because you haven't used the present I got you last year, I told her. Then the fight started.

My wife sat down on the couch and asked, "whats on TV?"
Dust, I answered. Then the fight started.

I went to my wife's high school reunion and we were sitting at a table. My wife was staring at a man who was very drunk.
Do you know him?, I asked.
"He's my old boyfriend", she said. "When we split up way back then, he became a drunk and I hear he hasn't been sober since".
Who would think a guy could go on celebrating that long, I asked her. Then the fight started.

 

[snubbyfan]

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

 

[LVSteve]

God told Man that he would find good and obedient wives in all corners of the earth.
Then SHE made the earth ROUND, and laughed and laughed and laughed...

There, I fixed it.

 

[RobertJ.]

Along the lines of "why do women fake it?" "Because they think we care."

That was gold, I'll be telling it tomorrow!

 

[Hillbilly77]

That was gold, I'll be telling it tomorrow!

Good God, man! You mean to tell me that there are guys that never heard that one?!

 

[laskt9]

I enjoy this thread very much

 

[RobertJ.]

Good God, man! You mean to tell me that there are guys that never heard that one?!

I hadn't, really! There's been a few LOL jokes I've read here for the first time! Now how about this one:

What do you do if you see your wife staggering in the back yard?
Shoot her again!

 

[snubbyfan]

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

 

[quneur]

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

None... They'll just sit in the dark and complain about it.

I heard it this way:

How many Jewish women does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They stand around and [complain] about it and another to get her boyfriend to change it.

 

[Hillbilly77]

Q) How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

A) That's not funny!

 

[G-Mac]

What's the difference between your wife and your dog?

When you let your dog out of the trunk of your car, after being locked in there for several hours, he's still glad to see you.

 

[Hillbilly77]

What's the difference between your wife and your dog?

When you let your dog out of the trunk of your car, after being locked in there for several hours, he's still glad to see you.

The later you get home, the happier your dog is to see you.

 

[Wheeler57]

My wife saw me reading this and asked what I was reading. I told her PORN so I wouldn't get in trouble.