More Clean Jokes

Guy walks down the street and runs into his old friend Joe and conversation goes like this...

Hey Joe, how've you been?

Gweat, Did you hear I got mawwied last year.

Ooh, that's good.

Not that good, she is vewy ugly.

Ooh, that's bad.

Not that bad, she's vewy rich.

Ooh, that's good.

Not that good, she's vewy stingy.

Ooh, that's bad.

Not that bad, she's bought me a big house.

Ooh, that's good.

Not that good, it burnt down.

Ooh, that's bad.

Not that bad, she was in it.
 
Two flies were sitting on a cow pie. One of them farted. The other one said "hey, tryin' to eat here!"

Two peanuts were walking down the road. One of them was a salted!

My grandson says "you're welcome."
 
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white.
Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian
knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they
are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."
 
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a
small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar,
ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke
rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an
angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more
remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"
 
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the
medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man
took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the
chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one
inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the
chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the
malady lingers on."
 
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did
some training on a Navajo Indian reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and
came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo,
asked a question which his son translated.
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip
to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could
send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors,
the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son
to translate it. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where
the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to
translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government
translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch
out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
 
Pete99004 said:
The Newspaper

Ole died. Lena goes to the newspaper office to print the death notice.
The clerk asks her, "What do you want it to say?"
"Ole died."
The clerk looks up. "What else?"
"Nothing else."
"But Lena, you were married to Ole all those years. Don't you want to say anything else about him?"
"Nope."
The clerk thinks a minute. "You know, Lena, it won't cost you any more if you add a little. The first ten words are the same price."
"Ten words, and it won't cost extra?" she asks.
The clerk nods.
Lena thinks hard, then says, "Ole died. Boat for sale."
Click to expand...
I told this one to my wife. And I asked if she would do that if something happened to me.

"Oh no" she says...
"It would read bike for sale". (My Harley). [emoji6]
 
A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi were having a discussion about how easy they thought it would be to convert almost anybody to their religion. The conversation got bizarre when they all decided they could probably even convert a bear if they tried. It eventually came down to a challenge.

The Catholic priest went out in the woods first. When he returned he was badly bruised and scratched and admitted that he was not successful. He stated that he came upon the bear and started reading to him from the catechism and the bear was having none of it.

The Baptist minister went next and returned with similar results. Numerous bruises, cuts and scratches requiring medical attention. He said he tried reading passages from the bible with no effect.

The Rabbi went off to the woods to try. He returned with two broken arms and two broken legs as well as a concussion. He had to be hospitalized. When the priest and minister visited him to ask what happened the Rabbi said "In hindsight, I guess circumcision was the wrong thing to do.
 
A Spinster American Schoolteacher had saved all her money over the years and after a long career she decided to travel the world. She went to Europe and visited all the usual tourist stops. She then traveled to Scotland since she had always wanted to visit there.

One morning she was walking through the open country side and stumbled on an old Scottish gentleman who had been too much in the cups and had passed out under a tree. He was dressed in the traditional Scottish kilt. Like many spinster schoolteachers she had always wondered what Scottish men wore under their kilts. She now had the perfect opportunity to find out.

She quietly approached and raised the kilt of the sleeping man. This particular gentleman wore nothing under his kilt. In a moment of madness she took a blue ribbon from her hair and tied it around a certain member of the old fellows anatomy. She then resumed her walk.

A bit later the Scottish gentleman awoke and feeling the call of nature he stepped around the tree, raised his kilt and looked down. He stared for a minute and said out loud; "Hoot mon, I don't know where you've been but I'm glad you won first place."
 
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained.
A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.
However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you.
What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said.
"Radio is broken."
 
Father picked his 6 yr. old up after school. Son said, daddy, all my class lost their recess except me. Dad said, thats great son, what did you do to keep your recess. Son replied, nothing, me's at speech class. (true story)
 
A guy stopped Bill on the street and asked him how his trip with Joe went to Paris.

Oh gweat, I saw the Eifel tower.
Did Joe see it?
No, Joe stayed in the woom, he's twippled you know.

Then I went and saw The Louvre.
Did Joe go?
No, Joe had to stay in the woom, he's twippled you know.

Then we went to Our Lady of Lourdes Cathedral.
Did Joe go?
Oh yes. He walked up to the altar with his cwutches and the Priest said "Joe, throw away the right crutch" and Joe did. Then the Priest said "Joe throw away your left crutch" and Joe did.
And then what happened?
Joe fell on his ***, he's twippled you know.
 
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