More Clean Jokes
- Thread starter Shooting Padre
- Start date
bobf
US Veteran
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE!"
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE!"
LennyLames
Member
After he was captured, the Lone Ranger was tied to a stake. Knowing that he was going to get scalped, he reasoned with his captors. "Can you grant me my last wish? I would like one last smoke."
They relented and gave him a pipe.
Unbeknownst to them, and probably obscured by the windy conditions, he started sending out smoke signals in Tonto's smoke dialect.
A while later, they all heard the sound of galloping horse hooves. Into their midst rode Tonto, with a lady from the local bordello behind him hanging on for dear life.
The Lone Ranger, in dismay, exclaimed, "Oh no, Tonto! I asked to send posse!"
jimtr6
Member
Anybody remember this one?
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, while questioning him about his life, asked him how he had sex.
"What's sex?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Tarzan use hole in tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong!!! I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and assumed the position. "Here", she said, "you can put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave Jane a swift kick in the crotch!!!
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the **** did you do that for?!?!?"
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan not stupid - check for bees!!"
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, while questioning him about his life, asked him how he had sex.
"What's sex?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Tarzan use hole in tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong!!! I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and assumed the position. "Here", she said, "you can put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave Jane a swift kick in the crotch!!!
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the **** did you do that for?!?!?"
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan not stupid - check for bees!!"
Last edited:
ACORN
Member
A cowboy walks into a saloon after months on the trail. While enjoying a cold beer he sees a big glass jar full of $10 bills. He asks the bartender what the jar was for and the bartender tells him they have a contest. It costs $10 to try and if he completes 3 tasks he wins all the money in the jar. The cowboy says he'd like a try and pays the $10. The bartender says they have a bottle of tequila with hot peppers marinating in it. He has to drink the whole bottle. Then there is a Rottweiler out back with an abscessed tooth and he has to pull it. The last task is there is a 90 year old lady upstairs that has never had sex and he has to make love to her. The cowboy grabs the tequila and chugs it. Wiping his mouth he staggers out the door heading for the Rottweiler. All of the sudden they hear barking screaming hollering howling an even crying. The cowboy staggers back into the bar clothes ripped to shreds hunks of hair missing eyes swollen shut, a real mess. He wals up the barkeep and asks "Okay, now where's the old lady that needs her tooth pulled?"
ACORN
Member
2 Irish prospectors in the old west live about 5 miles away from ther claim. Every day the carry all their gear out and every night haul it back. Finally they decide to buy a mule to haul their gear and build a little lean-to along side of their cabin. One day an old timer walks past their cabin and tells them that the mules ears were hitting the rafters and his ears will develops sores and get infected if they don't fix it. They thanked the man and explained they new nothing about mules and would get right on fixing the lean-to. A couple hours later the same old timer is walking back past their cabin and spots Paddy up on the roof sawing holes in it. The old asks what he's doing and Paddy replies he cutting holes for the mules long ears to stick through. The old timer asks
"Why don't you shovel some dirt out from under the lean-to so he'll fit?"
Paddy yells down to Finnegan "Didn't I just tell the dumb %&$ it's his ears that's too long. Not his legs"
"Why don't you shovel some dirt out from under the lean-to so he'll fit?"
Paddy yells down to Finnegan "Didn't I just tell the dumb %&$ it's his ears that's too long. Not his legs"
Last edited:
Puppies for sale...
This was an actual classified ad placed in a London newspaper:
Puppies for sale
Mother is a purebred German Shepherd.
Father is a great dog, able to leap tall fences with a single bound.
John
This was an actual classified ad placed in a London newspaper:
Puppies for sale
Mother is a purebred German Shepherd.
Father is a great dog, able to leap tall fences with a single bound.
John
I heard that same story in Alaska. The main character is a cheechako (newcomer to Alaska), and two of the other characters are an eskimo lady and a grizzly bear.
Fountain
Member
A man was riding a donkey down a paved road. He fell off and broke his arm...
'Said it was the asphalt.
'Said it was the asphalt.
Old Seabee
US Veteran
Joke
1st Guy how was the carnival ?
2nd guy : "Fair"
1st Guy how was the carnival ?
2nd guy : "Fair"
Old Seabee
US Veteran
Joke
What did the snail say when he was riding on the back of a turtle????
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
What did the snail say when he was riding on the back of a turtle????
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
ACORN
Member
A man tells his doctor that when he passes gas it sounds like a Honda motorcycle. After he "demonstrates" the doctor tells him to go see his dentist.
As soon as he tells the dentist his problem, the dentist tell him he has an infected tooth and it needs to be pulled.
Incredulous the man ask the dentist
How do you know that? You didn't examine me take an x-ray or even ask me to open my mouth. All I did was tell you that when I pass gas it sounds like a Honda motorcycle and you tell me I need a tooth pulled.
How can you tell that?
The dentist replies
It's simple, everyone knows that abscess makes the fart go Honda!
As soon as he tells the dentist his problem, the dentist tell him he has an infected tooth and it needs to be pulled.
Incredulous the man ask the dentist
How do you know that? You didn't examine me take an x-ray or even ask me to open my mouth. All I did was tell you that when I pass gas it sounds like a Honda motorcycle and you tell me I need a tooth pulled.
How can you tell that?
The dentist replies
It's simple, everyone knows that abscess makes the fart go Honda!
I was told this one by a Cheyenne one night, late in a bar, close to the reservation where my brother an I hung out a lot and had learned a lot of Indian jokes.
What is red, white and blue and floats in the river?
White man who tells to many Indian jokes on the reservation.
What is red, white and blue and floats in the river?
White man who tells to many Indian jokes on the reservation.
Wyatt Burp
Member
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a tricycle and a shabbily dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but he turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but he turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
Another Oldie
True educators
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers ... and then there are educators.
True educators
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers ... and then there are educators.
Shorty 45 MK2
Member
Why do ducks have flat feet? To stomp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out flaming ducks. 
JayAychOh
Member
I was driving home from work and saw a sign in front of a house that read "Talking Dog For Sale...... $25". I knew it was a hoax, but it got my curiosity up. I parked and walked through the yard, noticing an old man in a rocker on the front porch and an old hound laying in the grass.
I asked the man "Is this the dog for sale?"
"Yep", he replied.
"Can he really talk?"
"Ask him yourself." he said, apathetically.
A little self-consciously I softly asked the dog, "Can you talk?"
The dog looked up and replied, "Yeah."
I said "That's amazing! Wha... what's your story?"
The dog said, "Oh, my first owner sold me to the Army to be trained as a bomb-sniffing K-9. They found out I could talk and the next thing you know I was working for the CIA. They would have me get loose in buildings in foreign capitols, eavesdrop on meetings and conversations and report back on what I'd heard. I've been in Iran, Iraq, Pakistan, North Korea, lots of places. Now I'm old and retired.... don't get out much anymore."
Stunned, I looked at the old man and said "This dog is amazing! Why would you sell him so cheap?"
The old man sighed and said, "Oh, he's a **** liar. He never done any of that stuff. He was in the Coast Guard."
I asked the man "Is this the dog for sale?"
"Yep", he replied.
"Can he really talk?"
"Ask him yourself." he said, apathetically.
A little self-consciously I softly asked the dog, "Can you talk?"
The dog looked up and replied, "Yeah."
I said "That's amazing! Wha... what's your story?"
The dog said, "Oh, my first owner sold me to the Army to be trained as a bomb-sniffing K-9. They found out I could talk and the next thing you know I was working for the CIA. They would have me get loose in buildings in foreign capitols, eavesdrop on meetings and conversations and report back on what I'd heard. I've been in Iran, Iraq, Pakistan, North Korea, lots of places. Now I'm old and retired.... don't get out much anymore."
Stunned, I looked at the old man and said "This dog is amazing! Why would you sell him so cheap?"
The old man sighed and said, "Oh, he's a **** liar. He never done any of that stuff. He was in the Coast Guard."
How to give a cat a bath
For some unknown reason, my wife seems to have a problem with the way I wash our cat. But I've found this to be a very efficient method. What do you think?
1. Scrub the toilet several times and flush it well.
2. Fill toilet with warm water. Add pet shampoo.
3. "Place" cat inside toilet. Close lid. Sit on lid. The cat's efforts to get out of the toilet is sufficient to generate enough water movement to clean itself like a washing machine.
4. Flush toilet at least four times to rinse the cat.
5. RUN LIKE HELL!! Be sure to slam the door behind you. Allow the cat enough time to sulk and dry.
6. Reward yourself for a job well done by having a beer (preferably a 6-pack of Coors light) during the sulk / dry time.
7. Keep cat out of your bedroom at night for the next several days until whatever devious plot to kill you that he/she has developed has had time to leave his/her brain.
For some unknown reason, my wife seems to have a problem with the way I wash our cat. But I've found this to be a very efficient method. What do you think?
1. Scrub the toilet several times and flush it well.
2. Fill toilet with warm water. Add pet shampoo.
3. "Place" cat inside toilet. Close lid. Sit on lid. The cat's efforts to get out of the toilet is sufficient to generate enough water movement to clean itself like a washing machine.
4. Flush toilet at least four times to rinse the cat.
5. RUN LIKE HELL!! Be sure to slam the door behind you. Allow the cat enough time to sulk and dry.
6. Reward yourself for a job well done by having a beer (preferably a 6-pack of Coors light) during the sulk / dry time.
7. Keep cat out of your bedroom at night for the next several days until whatever devious plot to kill you that he/she has developed has had time to leave his/her brain.
There once was a good ol' southern boy who was having dinner at a nice restaurant with a girl friend. He had to go to the bathroom, and as he stepped up to the urinal, he couldn't help but notice that the man using the one next to him was none other than Aristotle Onassis, the famed Greek tycoon who had married Jackie Kennedy.
"Excuse me, Mr. Onassis," he said. "I'm Billy Joe Dupree from Biloxi, Mississippi, and I'm so awed to be standing next to you. You know, I'm having dinner with a girl friend here, and I wonder if you'd do somethin' that would would really impress her. If you have time, could you drop by our table, and say 'Aren't you Billy Joe Dupree from Biloxi Mississippi? Good to see you again!' or somethin' like that. I'd really consider it a favor if you could, sir."
Onassis thought it over briefly, and said "Sure, son. Why not. I'll drop by your table."
And so the two men parted, each to their respective tables. Pretty soon, Onassis got up from his table and walked over to where Billy Joe and his date were talking.
"Excuse, me. Aren't you Billy Joe Dupree from Biloxi, Mississippi?" Onassis exclaimed.
And the reply was "**** off, Onassis. This is a private conversation!"
John
"Excuse me, Mr. Onassis," he said. "I'm Billy Joe Dupree from Biloxi, Mississippi, and I'm so awed to be standing next to you. You know, I'm having dinner with a girl friend here, and I wonder if you'd do somethin' that would would really impress her. If you have time, could you drop by our table, and say 'Aren't you Billy Joe Dupree from Biloxi Mississippi? Good to see you again!' or somethin' like that. I'd really consider it a favor if you could, sir."
Onassis thought it over briefly, and said "Sure, son. Why not. I'll drop by your table."
And so the two men parted, each to their respective tables. Pretty soon, Onassis got up from his table and walked over to where Billy Joe and his date were talking.
"Excuse, me. Aren't you Billy Joe Dupree from Biloxi, Mississippi?" Onassis exclaimed.
And the reply was "**** off, Onassis. This is a private conversation!"
John
Little Ralph
Little Ralph found a dollar bill so he went into the general store and bought 6 candy bars. Then he sat on the bench outside and started eating them.
An older gentleman came by and said to Ralph " If you eat 6 candy bars at once you might get sick and die ".
Ralph replied " My grandpa lived to 105 ".
" Did he eat 6 candy bars? " ask the older gentleman.
"No" replied Ralph, " he just minded his own business. "
Little Ralph found a dollar bill so he went into the general store and bought 6 candy bars. Then he sat on the bench outside and started eating them.
An older gentleman came by and said to Ralph " If you eat 6 candy bars at once you might get sick and die ".
Ralph replied " My grandpa lived to 105 ".
" Did he eat 6 candy bars? " ask the older gentleman.
"No" replied Ralph, " he just minded his own business. "
