Ladies and Gentlemen,
I give you the complete military history of France:
Gallic Wars (58 BC-51 BC)
Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history,
France is conquered and divided into three parts by an Italian.
Moors in Spain (late 700s-early 800s)
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, the
French are unable to make much progress. They end up going back home and
hiding behind the Pyrenees until the modern day.
Norse Invasions (841-911)
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norsemen are bribed by a
French king named Charles the Simple (really!) who gives them Normandy in
return for peace. The Normans proceed to become the only positive military force in
France's [favour] for the next 500 years.
Third Crusade (1187-1197)
Philip II Augustus of France throws a hissy-fit and goes home, leaving the crusade
for Richard the Lion-Hearted to finish.
Albigenses Crusade (1208)
Difficult to determine a victor when French are massacred by French. (Probably
should count as a victory, in the interest of fairness.) Mostly memorable for its
method of differentiation between heretic and faithful, evoking the famous response
of Abbot Arnaud-Amaury, "Caedite eos! Novit enim Dominus qui sunt eius" — Latin
for "Slay them all! God will know his own."
Object Lesson: French are serious badasses when fighting unarmed men, women
and children. Leads directly to the Inquisition, which keeps the French busy for a
hundred years (1229-1331) rounding up and burning the Cathars at the stake.
Seventh Crusade (1248-1254)
King Louis IX (St. Louis) of France leads the Crusade to Egypt. They are
resoundingly crushed.
Eighth Crusade (1270)
St. Louis in his last action is killed in Tunis. Outcome: refer to Seventh Crusade.
The French limit their future Crusade involvement to an unsuccessful incursion
into Aragon in 1285.
Hundred Years' War (1337-1453 or thereabouts …)
Mostly lost, especially during the English ravages during the 1370's and the
thrashing at Agincourt by Henry V in 1415. Saved at last by a female schizophrenic
(burned at the stake in 1431; sainted later) who inadvertently creates The First
Rule of French Warfare, to wit, "France's armies are victorious only when not led by
a Frenchman."
Italian Wars (1494-1559)
Started when Charles VIII tried to grab Naples. Lost. France becomes the first and
only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion (1562-1598)
France goes 0-5-3 against the Huguenots during eight civil wars. Includes the St.
Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572 (once again, French-on-French
slaughter.)
Thirty Years' War (1618-1648)
Although France is technically not a participant they manage to get beaten anyway
after Cardinal Richelieu tries to grab Alsace while Emperor Ferdinand isn't paying
attention. France claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants
finally started ignoring her.
The Dutch War (1672-1678)
Tied, even though the Dutch had neglected to keep a standing army.
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French & Indian War
(1688-1697)
Lost, but the French claim it as a tie. Three ties in a row induce Frogophiles the
world over to label this period as the height of French military power.
India (1673-1813)
British (Clive at Plassey) are far more charming then French and end up the
victors. The British became well known for their tea (ensuring 200 years of bad
teeth in England) and the French for their whine (er, sorry, wine ...)
War of the Spanish Succession (1701-1714)
Lost. The French are driven out of the Low Countries and Italy, and they never got
anywhere in Spain in the first place. This war gave the French their first taste of a
Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
Seven Years' War (1756-1763)
Lost, after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, Germans
again) at Rossbach. The French were held off for the remainder of the War by
Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. This war
also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe thumping the Marquis de Montcalm at
Quebec.)
American Revolutionary War (1774-1781)
In a move which will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a
victory even though the colonists saw far more action. This is later known as the
"de Gaulle Syndrome" and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only
wins when America does most of the fighting."
French War of Revolution (1789-1795)
One out of three (due the fact that one opponent was also French.) War is declared
against England & Austria, but the French only manage to defeat their own
aristocracy. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
Barbary Wars (Middle ages-1830)
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Mediterranean.
France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses
(ref: "the Shores of Tripoli.") America's first overseas victories are won 1801-1815.
Haiti (1791-1804)
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Highlights
another rule of French warfare: "When in doubt, send an ally."
The Napoleonic Wars (1795-1815)
Lost. Temporary early victories (remember the First Rule!) are due to the
leadership of a Corsican, who finally ended up being no match for a British footwear
designer. It should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~50%) composed of
non-Frenchmen (disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists) after 1804 or so. Not
surprisingly, they performed better than the French.
Quasi-war with U.S. (1798-1801)
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping; the U.S. fights France
at sea for three years. The French eventually cave, setting the precedent for the
next 200 years of Franco-American relations.
Mexico (1863-1864)
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough
thrashing by the U.S. twenty years earlier (ref: "the Halls of Montezuma.") Not
surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion
(consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen.) However, they are booted out of the
country a little over a year after their arrival.
The Franco-Prussian War (1870-1871)
Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home
alone on a Saturday night. Alsace & Lorraine ceded to Germany.
Panama Jungles (1881-1890)
There is no one except nature to fight, but France still loses. The canal is
eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.
World War I (1914-1918)
Tied and on their way to losing, France is rescued by the United States. Thousands
of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who
doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, the widespread use of condoms by American
forces prevents any improvement in the French gene pool.
World War II (1939-1945)
Lost. Conquered French are liberated by the United States and Britain just as they
finish learning the Horst Wessel song. It should be noted that France attempted to
hide behind the Maginot line (the so-called "Great Wall of France") assuming that
the Germans would enter France that way, even though the Germans would have
been breaking with their traditional route of invading France – through Belgium
(Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.) The French ignored
this and put all their efforts into these defenses.
War in Indochina (1946-1954)
Lost. French forces leave, pleading sickness. They go home and take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion (1954-1962)
Lost. This loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a non-Turkish Muslim
force since the Crusades. It produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can
always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians,
Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. The
French consider their departure from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years of
colonialism, as a French victory and consider Charles de Gaulle as a hero for
"leading" said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against
the departure. This finally ended French colonialism; about 2 million ungrateful
Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.
War on Terrorism (2001 – )
France, keeping in mind its history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be
safe. Attempts to surrender to the Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes
refuge in a McDonald's.
CNN report: The French Government has announced that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." (The only two higher alert levels in France are
"Surrender" and "Collaborate.") The raised alert was precipitated by a recent fire
which destroyed one of France's white flag factories, completely disabling their
military.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can
we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
Better still, a quote from The Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need
you."
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French
one behind me – at least you know what the German's intent is."
--General George S. Patton
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
--Norman Schwartzkopf
